robertpaullocke's First Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Welcome to the block!

For your first assignment, craft a scene/chapter/story using the following opening.

Randy's hands shook as his knife sliced through the tape sealing the box.

[robertpaullocke]

you'll have this in a few days

[robertpaullocke]

Randy's hands shook as his knife sliced through the tape sealing the box. As the knife went through the large box that is big enough to hold a person, he noticed that there are packing peanuts just like a normal package when he opened up the box. The box seemed to be about the size of a coffin. As he started to quickly remove the peanuts, he can see the vision of his dream a woman’s hand. The hand looked as if she is the model that he ordered. The woman’s flesh is of a bigger woman. Not like the kind, that he knew that had always rejected him. After a few minutes Randy had her mid section and her stomach had folds that has two layers, Randy’s heart begins to race his penis begins to grow hard. Soon he exposes her extremely large tits he starts to lick them and suck them. As he does The Slave inside the box begins to stir. Looking, into her newly opened eyes and smiling down as if he is looking at a, new pet.
“ Listen to me carefully. I am going take you out of your box but you are going to be a good girl and let me get you ready for your new life. My piggy.” She nods.



sorry about it being late.

[Dragon's muse]

Finally! i like the basic idea. There are some technical problems with its execution, but most are easily corrected. You use his name an awful lot, which tends to disrupt the flow. A couple of verb tense switches are a real issue. But, all in all, a good start. i will get your next assignment posted this afternoon. On to the nits.

Randy's hands shook as his knife sliced through the tape sealing the box. As the knife went through the large box that is big enough to hold a person, he noticed that there are packing peanuts just like a normal package when he opened up the box. The box seemed to be about the size of a coffin. You used the word box twice in as many sentences. Simplify this. He opened the coffin-sized container and packing peanuts overflowed.As he started to quickly remove the peanuts ("Brushing away the peanuts,", he can see the vision of his dream a woman’s hand. (You switched from past to present tense and the phrase "vision of his dreams" is a bit awkward or redundant. Perhaps the "realization of his dreams". You also need to set "a woman's hand" off from the rest of the sentence with a dash or a colon) The hand (It)looked as if she is (like)the model that he ordered. The woman’s (delete) flesh is of a bigger woman. Not like the kind, that he knew (delete)that had always rejected him. After a few minutes ("Soon" Randy had her mid section and her stomach had folds that has two layers, ("RAndy had the layered folds of her stomach exposed" end the sentence here. Randy’s heart begins to race his penis begins to grow hard. ( "RAndy's heart raced and his penis grew hard." Soon (delete)he exposes her extremely large tits; he starts to lick them and suck them. As he does (delete)The Slave inside the box begins to stir. Looking, (delete) into her newly (delete) opened eyes and smiling down as if he is (delete)looking at a, (delete)new pet.
“ Listen to me carefully. I am going take you out of your box, but you are going to be a good girl and let me get you ready for your new life. My piggy.” She nods (nodded -- watch switching between past and present tense).



sorry about it being late.

[robertpaullocke]

what you been through. I understand. I have noticed sometimes I do have those minor details to work out. I think if I rewrite stuff like I use to do before publishing I yhink my stories would be better.

[Dragon's muse]

One of the best tips i can give is to read the work aloud. See if it feels natural. You will also spot things that you will miss in reading silently. When you read silently, you mind tends to fill in what should be there, instead of what is actually on the page.