i need advice on this one..

[bip0lar]

*sigh*
this is one topic i need help on, basically because most of you here know more than i do. I'm afraid that i've gotten myself into a tight spot with a lad back home (in Greece). He has a very very dominant character, the sex has always been rough, but the past year or so (i've known him for 4-5 years) he imposes himself on me even when we go out with friends for a couple of pints. The thing is that he isn't always that way, i mean there are times when he will sit down with me and discuss the sex, discuss what went wrong, discuss why i broke down crying and how i felt. The thing is that even after the discussion, nothing changes.
My problem is that the relationship developed like this without any negotiation or talk on it, i mean, i've grown used to doing as i'm told when i'm around him, used to being -mildly- slapped if i toe the line so to speak. However, i think that i'm trying to adapt his actions and words to the Lifestyle, in order to satisfy my need for a r/l Dominant and thus reassure myself that i haven't gotten in an abusive relationship. However there are so many common aspects in him and my O/L Master, yet so many differences as well, that i don't know how to proceed. This has come to my mind because i'm going back to Greece in 4 days for the Easter holidays and will meet him and well, things will go as he plans them to go.
I'm just wondering whether i'm being silly in continuing this sort of thing, i mean, if i'm being psychologically abused by this person (who i know loves me dearly) because i'm trying to build the relationship into something that it's not.

[jeanne]

I'm just wondering whether i'm being silly in continuing this sort of thing, i mean, if i'm being psychologically abused by this person (who i know loves me dearly) because i'm trying to build the relationship into something that it's not.

Yes, you DO know. You just said it.

There's a world of difference between a Dominant and an asshole. Thank you for showing us what exactly that is. Now, get away from him!

[lily27]

From the little bit of insight you have provided, it absolutely seems that you are being abused. Run hard, and run fast. There is a huge difference between D/s and abuse.

Dominants attempt to raise their subs up. Abusers only want to push their victims down.

Of course, he probably does love you. That is what drives him to try to control you. But it doesn't make it ok.

If you have to ask yourself if his actions are ok, they probably aren't. Please get help.

[bip0lar]

oh, thank you both for your replies, lily27, trust me, i trust my gut, and i'm never afraid of asking for help. That is why i posted here, too, because i knew y'all would give a helping hand. Neither i am afraid to leave the relationship, i may be many things but not a victim. And well, because i think part of me is ready to put an end to it, that's why i'm choosing to do so now that i'm going back home, so i can return to england after easter and not have him/it on my mind.
thank you both

[DowntownAmber]

A good rule of thumb to follow: if you have to ask if there's a problem, there usually is.

Granted, it's hard to see the dynamic of a four to five year relationship in a single post, but the important thing here to me is that you seem to have a gut feeling about this lad and his intentions, so my advice is to follow it. It can be confusing when you feel that the other person loves you but, as I'm sure you already know and as lily mentioned earlier, love doesn't always drive people to do what's best for the person they happen to love. I had a similar situation with an ex, and I ended up on the receiving end of three broken ribs and a few other various odd injuries. Long story short, follow your instincts and proceed carefully.

Best of luck.

[bip0lar]

DowntownAmber, firstly I'm sorry about what happened with your ex (and on that note thank you for sharing) and yes, the more i think about it now the more i tend to agree with you all it's just there's a time when you know something's about to end, yet you just need somebody else to tell you what you already know--partly giving you the courage to go ahead, you know?

[jeanne]

DowntownAmber, firstly I'm sorry about what happened with your ex (and on that note thank you for sharing) and yes, the more i think about it now the more i tend to agree with you all it's just there's a time when you know something's about to end, yet you just need somebody else to tell you what you already know--partly giving you the courage to go ahead, you know?

Yes. I do know exactly what you mean. Good for you and good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

[theladystouch]

A good rule of thumb: if you didn't ask for it, and don't want it, it's probably abuse.

A good idea: don't try to break it off with the guy alone. Have someone with you, and DON'T let him get you off someplace alone.

[bip0lar]

oh thank you for your concern theldaystouch, but although he might scare me at times, i doubt he would ever do me physical harm, the emotional factor i'll have to overcome. And as for being alone, it won't happen, back home i live with my mum, so that's where it's going to be done. but, truly, i appreciate it, and you're right about the abuse part. I guess if i didn't know it deep down i wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place.. *sighs*

[theladystouch]

Well, we all have learning experiences in this life. I hope yours ends with a minimum of pain and drama. You sound like a lovely person, and I hereby send my wishes to the universe that a kind, loving, dominant man will find you and appreciate you as you deserve.

The Lady

[crazy_grrluk]

i agree with the other ladies here.... it is abuse. Maybe not physical abuse but the worse you can ever get... mental.
I have been in this situation as some might know already as my stories are on this site somewhere. both in a nilla relationship and also in the lifestyle. even now I still some some relapse... depends on what the triggers are.

I dont know whereabout in England you are but im in the Midlands, so if you ever want to contact me for a ear to bend then please feel free to PM me anytime.

good luck

cg

[TomOfSweden]

Here's just a friendly question Bipolar. Do you think perhaps that you're making excuses for him? Which is a very submissive thing to do. Also pretty classic behaviour for abused women. It sounds as all you want from us is to say that you should leave him? If that is so, why ask? Why not just go? You don't owe him to stay do you? If you're not feeling good about the relationship, then evaluating it is superfluous.

There's no written rule that says everything needs to be negotiated, but it helps. And if you haven't negotiated the rules of the relationship, and you feel unhappy about where it's gone... you obviously should have done it.... obviously that guy is doing the relationship thing wrong. This is not unique for BDSM relationships. This is pretty universal for all relationships, love or otherwise. Him being naturally dominant means that he should make sure he's making you happy.