Feedback from new subs?

[Tojo]

It would be nice to hear back from a few more subs new to the lifestyle.

How it's going? What's good or bad? Are we supportive enough & not too overbearing?

I often wonder what happens to the ones we answer questions from & wonder if they're OK.

Have you found that perfect Dom/me?

I for one really appreciate the thanks I get- you guys are all special. Remember without subs, being a Dom would be pretty damn pointless....


Tojo

[Tojo]

I'm waiting......

[chattel69]

I'm not new but I will give you my feedback

How it's going? What's good or bad? Are we supportive enough & not too overbearing?
Overbearing is good for some of us. I'm looking for someone who is willing and able to take complete control and not afraid to assert his authority

Have you found that perfect Dom/me?
I am talking with a gentlemen now, we have been together for 6 months so it seems to be going well.

I enjoy coming here and seeing all the different points of view.

[katie_21]

oh geez Tojo, I really don't know what to say lol

As far as I know, I think the site is great for asking questions and getting ideas Not to mention the wonderful stories on here. I've only came in contact with a few weirdos, but they mainly stay in the chatroom.

And I do believe I have found a perfect Master, I'm enjoying it....but I guess you already know that huh?

[Tojo]

Thanks for that guys, yes we do seem to have something special katie. Real special.


I just notice that a few subs come to the forum & introduce themselves, then we never seem to hear from them.

Tojo

[Silke]

Tojo -

yes, I've noticed that, too! People come in, wave hello, ask a question or introduce themselves and then either go back to hiding or disappear completely. I seriously hope we don't scare them off somehow...

So, to everyone out there - there's no right or wrong thing to say, no question too weird to ask...we really love to hear from you! The more the merrier.

Thanks Tojo for bringing this up - I love the topic and I really hope you'll get tons of feedback!

[vistana]

well, I guess I'll throw my 2 cents in here.

I've been hanging around this site for quite a while, longer than most of you guys actually! I just tend to not talk that much, most questions I'd have get answered before I think to ask them
i'd still call myself a new sub though, as i've only been actually doing anything BDSM related for the past 6 months or so, and that infrequently.

I'm far from finding a perfect Dom, I've got a good friend with a sadistic/dominant side I've managed to coax out and I play with him, but he'll never be a real Dom for me. He's great and i'm having an excellent time with him, but i'd never call him my Dom. the biggest problem being that he likes to switch while it's very rare for me to have any desire at all to do so.

I love this site and the people on it, I keep learning a lot even if I rarely speak up and say so.

[virginpussy]

HOLY CRAP! I just joined this forum today cause I thought I would have access to more of the stories! You people are really doing that sub/dom stuff???!!! WTF??!!!

[KermitsKeeper]

Tojo, I was only allowed to post if Master Evan permitted it, so there were many times I would have said something, but couldn't reach him for permission. Since the start of his study break he has not restricted me in that way, so I've been more free to write (I like being able to talk to all of you, so I hope that it continues!). Anyway, this type of restriction could be happening with other subs....

[Silke]

I was only allowed to post if Master Evan permitted it, so there were many times I would have said something, but couldn't reach him for permission.

Oh my GOD....that would really kill me! What did you do to deserve that I wonder?

[Tojo]

HOLY CRAP! I just joined this forum today cause I thought I would have access to more of the stories! You people are really doing that sub/dom stuff???!!! WTF??!!!

Hi & welcome virginpussy, thanks for introducing yourself.

Yes I believe people really do such things, to varying degrees of course. My involvement is mostly online, as I'm happily married. I do hope to meet a young lady for some intensive play though. I've played with my wife a little over the years, but she sure as heck ain't a true sub.

It may seem bizarre, but remember we're not all into cattle prods & bullwhips. My idea of punishment is to say I'm disappointed in one of my girls.

We're all different, if you choose to experiment you need to find someone to do it at your own pace & not rush you. Enjoy.

Tojo

[Aesop]

It may seem bizarre, but remember we're not all into cattle prods & bullwhips.

Don't go bad-mouthing cattle prods and bullwhips!

[Mistress M]

Hello Tojo:

I'm new here as you know and I'm not any kind of expert on D/s, but I'm surprised that the obvious questions have not been asked of new subs.

For instance:

• What do you expect from a dom? It is a power exchange.
• Do you know what a hard and a soft limit is? Do you know what to do in case you are asked to do something that is a hard limit?
• If you currently have a dom, do you feel there is a safety net when he/she asks you to do something that pushes your limits?
• Do you feel comfortable enough to ask these questions without fear of being judged?

If you don't know the answers to the above questions, then it should be food for thought. Doms don't have a handbook and neither do subbies, but resources are available. When in doubt 'ask.'

[Tojo]

Don't go bad-mouthing cattle prods and bullwhips!

Oh you beast Aesop!

Thanks for that Mistress M- some excellent points to remember.
We do have a lot of info in the 'Knowledge' section, for new people- and those just wishing to learn more.

Tojo, I was only allowed to post if Master Evan permitted it

Thanks for that Kate, a very good point I had forgotten about. Just goes to show how different we all are.




Tojo

[Tojo]

Ah found it!

In the 'Personals' section on this forum is a thread 'The Acid Test' which has a ton of info for new subs- or old ones...

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

Hard work to read the whole thing, but if you browse through it, just about everything is there.
Also good for Doms to read.

Tojo

[Weena]

I have been "lurking" for awhile now. I really like this forum. All the people here seem friendly and knowledgeable. I have been learning a lot. Most of my questions get answered before I post. Thanks to the plethora of knowledge here. I find myself visiting here everyday. Thanks to everyone, who has posted. ~weena~

[Evan_]

Kate. Post here, address the issue to your heart's desire. Feel free to leave responses and answer questions between the time you read this and 72 hours forward.

No, Tojo, this isn't punishment. This is control. As she earns it, she may get more freedom, but since my time is freed up now, she may only do as she is told, once again. She's struggling, but I'm proud of how mush shorter it takes her to "see things my way" these days. If you ask nicely, she may share the Great Restriction I put upon her today.

HUG for Kate.

[Tojo]

No, Tojo, this isn't punishment

Don't think I said it was Evan? I sure don't see it as a punishment.

One of my girls has to go for a walk each week now- I think she sees that as a punishment......

Tojo

[katie_21]

walking a punishment?? No way!! lol

Geez, I'm obsessed huh? I'm up to 3 miles a day now hehe.

[Silke]

Kate. Post here, address the issue to your heart's desire. Feel free to leave responses and answer questions between the time you read this and 72 hours forward.

No, Tojo, this isn't punishment. This is control. As she earns it, she may get more freedom, but since my time is freed up now, she may only do as she is told, once again. She's struggling, but I'm proud of how mush shorter it takes her to "see things my way" these days. If you ask nicely, she may share the Great Restriction I put upon her today.

HUG for Kate.

I think it was me who thought it was punishment, Evan. And believe me, for me it would feel like it, lol

I do understand you idea behind it, though...just wouldn't like it for myself. *grins*

[maddie]

• What do you expect from a dom? It is a power exchange.
• Do you know what a hard and a soft limit is? Do you know what to do in case you are asked to do something that is a hard limit?
• If you currently have a dom, do you feel there is a safety net when he/she asks you to do something that pushes your limits?
• Do you feel comfortable enough to ask these questions without fear of being judged?

These are interesting questions. I'm not a 24/7 sub and never could be (just doesn't float my boat, nor does it interest my husband), so my answers would probably be very different from those who are.

When we're in a scene, I expect him to control me, but not tell me to do something he knows that I won't enjoy or be comfortable doing. He knows my limits; I've made sure of that. And we have our safeword, which he respects.

Honestly, I think the one problem we have is that, right now, he's having trouble keeping up with me. We're in our late 30s/early 40s and he's starting to slow down some while I'm definitely more interested than ever. I'm trying to guide him some, which I think is a perfectly legitimate thing for a good sub to do, not to mention a good partner. He loses momentum, creativity, and aggression after he has an orgasm, which frustrates me to no end. There are times when I'd be happy to "play" all day, so I'm trying to get ideas for him of what he can do in his "down times", for lack of a better term.

[Mistress M]

He loses momentum, creativity, and aggression after he has an orgasm, which frustrates me to no end.

It takes a lot of time and patience to adjust to the different levels of D/s you are both willing/desiring to engage in and you are not alone. Most couples rarely reach the same level of desire and method of engaging in it.

D/s isn't always about physical orgasm, that is why I understand your frustration. Some subs reach subspace on the mental rush of submission. Apparently your partner's goal is reaching physical orgasm when in the process of domming you. He should be paying careful attention to his sub at this critical level of play. He can catch up to his orgasm once you have reached 'that place.'

I hope you both engage in the all important 'aftercare.'

There are times when I'd be happy to "play" all day, so I'm trying to get ideas for him of what he can do in his "down times", for lack of a better term.

I don't know how much of a newbie you are, because D/s is an ongoing learning experience. If you haven't checked already, look for a thread on tasks. You may already know about the purpose of tasks, in your case, it should help you 'play' all day. If he cannot decide or choose one for you, task yourself and offer it to him.

Good luck in your journey.

[KermitsKeeper]

I think it was me who thought it was punishment, Evan. And believe me, for me it would feel like it, lol

I do understand you idea behind it, though...just wouldn't like it for myself. *grins*

I don't really care for the restriction (which is back on shortly). However, I hated it even more when Master Evan was taking a study break (although I totally understood why and supported it) so I would rather be restricted than "alone." Happily, I am not alone any more!

[Silke]

I don't really care for the restriction (which is back on shortly). However, I hated it even more when Master Evan was taking a study break (although I totally understood why and supported it) so I would rather be restricted than "alone." Happily, I am not alone any more!

Oh, yes...I understand that and I'm glad that the time alone for you is over.

Hope you'll earn a lot of exceptions to the posting restriction, though...we'll miss you otherwise!

[KermitsKeeper]

Thanks! Know that even if I am not writing, I am here reading and thinking of you all. I am so happy Master Evan brought me here! This is an outstanding community of caring people, and I feel very at home in it.

[maddie]

I don't know how much of a newbie you are, because D/s is an ongoing learning experience. If you haven't checked already, look for a thread on tasks. You may already know about the purpose of tasks, in your case, it should help you 'play' all day. If he cannot decide or choose one for you, task yourself and offer it to him.

Thanks for the advice, Mistress M. He does seem to respond nicely if I offer suggestions, and we did talk recently about how he loses the scene after orgasm. He was open to suggestion, particularly if it got him back "in the mood", so there's hope for me yet.

We're not exactly newbies to this, but I'm hoping to move beyond the little bits that we've tried. I know that patience is a virtue and will be rewarded, so I'm trying to not to push him too much to go past his limits, just as much as I hope that he wouldn't do that to me.

The task idea is particularly appealing. I'm going to go look for that now.

[Tojo]

This may seem like a silly question Maddie, but re your 'losing interest after an orgasm' question- couldn't he just wait? Until the end of the scene I mean.

Just my thoughts- I kinda thought being a Dom was about control, not just of one's sub.

Don't take the question too seriously, I'm faaaaar from being an expert.

(BTW- I love your avatar & your sig, Weena.)

Tojo

[maddie]

No worries, Tojo. We're just starting to explore this more. Extending the time of a scene is something that's definitely on my list of things to work on. I'm hoping to lead him toward taking his role as my Dom a little more seriously and exploring the whole control/self-control thing more. I'm trying to be careful, though, because I'm starting to sense that he feels like I'm pushing a little more than he'd like.

In a sense, I kind of feel like I'm controlling the whole thing right now, which is a little odd, because I'm most definitely a sub. But I tend to think that being a sub, being able to give over like that to another person in a consensual relationship, is the ultimate form of control. I say who gets to control me and who doesn't and what they get to do.

Anyway. I'm hoping that he'll start taking the reins a little more over time. Good things come to those who wait. :-)

[Tojo]

To my mind giving control to someone is certainly the ultimate power. I don't see anything odd about the sub being ultimately in control, especially in the early stages of a relationship. After all you'll be the one hurt/upset/scared or whatever if things go wrong.

One of the reasons it worked so well with katie was the way she let me know how she was, what was OK & what wasn't.

How else was I supposed to know?

Thanks for that Maddie, good to hear how it's going from a few subs- I just might learn something....

Dare I say we all might??

Tojo

[Warbaby1943]

Tojo,

Thanks for the link although it was mostly for females. I do have to take exception to one quote and maybe I should have done so in that post but I think it is apropos here also.

Quote: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"
If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played
with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty.

You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will
be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be
adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves." End quote.

What I disagree with is that I am not an adulterer and have gone to great lengths to assure that I remain that way. I am a liar by omission due to the fact that I can't and won't tell my wife but I am up front with whomever I talk to about this BDSM stuff. If known up front then the scene, I believe, is not being built on lies, at least not to the participants. See it is probably best I stick with paid professionals. That way there is no long term commitment to think about.

I wasn't going to post in this thread because I have told my story in other parts of this forum. After following your link, I felt I had to chime in. If inappropriate please accept my apologies.