What makes you...

[AdrianaAurora]

.....

Thank you, Master.


*and in case anyone is interested i am drinking green, unsweetened tea as i am writing this, *

[leo9]

My husband isn't a chatterbox but we have an amazing communication, He will talk and discuss anything with me. And yet, when I try to pick his brain out, He goes all tight lipped and if I try to pull something out of Him...its exhausting, I tell you, lol. Not only does it feel like I'm trying to dig rocks, I sometimes get spanked for caring and taking trouble.

My wife says it's a man thing

[leo9]

I've always known I was into both control and pain, I was getting that special buzz from scenes of bondage, slavery and torture in books and films as far back as I can remember.

I started out mostly fantasising about myself as the slave or victim, but as I went thru my teens I increasingly wanted to be in control.

Unlike a lot of other posters I'm not an obviously Dominant person, my nature is to slack off and let someone else take the decisions; friends who know I'm in D/s relationships but don't know the details often assume I'm the sub! I actually find it hard work being in charge, but it's worth the effort.

[Curiouslittleangel14]

I would like to thank you Demon Dom for your powerful words. I am trying to find my way in life and your words really spoke to me.

[In2kink]

For me a part of it is the fact that dominance is simply my nature and my personality. It is the manner I have always interacted with others since I was a child. I don’t actually recall any childhood memories of tying anyone up or that sort of thing, but even as a child, other children deferred to me and naturally I occupied the position of leader. As I grew up I tended to gravitate to positions of leadership both formally and informally and it was in those positions that I found meaning and satisfaction. Dominance then I think is in large part the inherent natural ability to lead; to exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner.

I don’t think one simply decides one day to be a leader. In some ways I think it works in much the same way as the dominant/submissive dynamic in the lifestyle. A dominant does not take by force or coercion the submission of another person, but the person yields control consensually. In the same way, leaders lead by “consent” of those they lead once they have earned respect and confidence. There is required a certain strength of character which allows you to exert the control necessary to be an effective leader and you must prove that you have the will and the ability to care for another person's well being. All of that I think translates well into being a dominant in the lifestyle and engaging in power transfer relationships.

I’m not sure I could accurately say that exercising my dominance within the lifestyle is a craving per se. I neither crave power nor do I consider myself a control freak. I do nevertheless enjoy being in that position but it has much more to do with the satisfaction I derive from the other person’s willingness to relinquish control to be over aspects of their life. I am by nature a person who is not arrogant but who has always had a solid sense of self worth. I am self controlled and self disciplined, honest, patient and responsible. I thrive in positions of responsibility, both in my public and private life. I find great personal satisfaction in caring for another person’s needs as well as in nurturing, teaching and mentoring others. The dynamics of the D/s relationship are a perfect environment to experience and accomplish those things.

[Forced2Fuck]

Rarely do I abuse Internet as a sounding board for my own emotions. Not because they are too private to be shared, but because I strongly believe that there is already enough clutter. Information transfer and knowledge sharing should not be hindered by bits and pieces which mean little to the common audience. But perhaps I should have responed here sooner, I wish to rectify this by trying to explain how I perceive my dominance.

This entry is for you, pet.
I grew up with more women than men, my father was absent when I was young. I have the greatest respect for women; they are equally capable of running business and leading this world. I do not believe that women are inferior to men in any way, shape or form. I’m convinced that the very essence of life is feminine. However, will a heavyweight boxer that is male, always beat a heavyweight boxer that is female, it seems very likely, and those distinctions I do make. I was raised to understand the importance of manners and being polite, to this very day I still insists on those. I insist on opening the car door for my woman, I insist on opening doors she passes through and I insist on seating her at the table when we go out. I do these things not as her servant, but because I claim them to be my right. I have a right to do those things because I am male and I wont allow our societies watered down norms to take that away from me. I love the fact that my wife is not an artificial being clouded in layers of make-up for just a normal day at home. I love her ability of dressing up when it is not just a simple day out. I want her to be the centre of attention, because I know that behind every great man there is an even greater woman. It is an exhilarating feeling to observe others want her, whether that is my client at a dinner party or a fellow Dominant in the depths of a dungeon. My possession is something desirable - intelligent, spirited and beautiful - something bold men would wage war over. She is mine. It is important to me to establish that understanding with her and of course with the people that she and I meet together. I choose to invest some of my time into understanding human psychology and how we interact with each other, so that I may help her build trust in her own abilities and thus help her set herself free. The way I react in my everyday life is not governed by a learned behaviour. I react almost always unconsciously to my wife and the environment I am in, usually people will perceive this as dominant behaviour. I am always in charge, I expect people to do as I say. My dominance stems from an inbred fear of loosing control. There is nothing more terrifying to me than to surrender control over my physical existence to another person. I do not show compulsive behaviours nor do I come across as a control freak, but this built in fear of needing to control my own destiny is what makes me effective at being a dominant person. I like to control the environment I am in and I like to make conscious decision of how I distribute not only my trust in a third party, but what I am willing to have them do to me. I am not suited to be on the receiving end. Therefore I am very conscious about my privacy and what people do with my personal data, I am very passionate about my employers and how that environment treats me and I am of course very conscious and passionate when it comes to my pet and what she is allowed to control while being in my presence or away from me. My dominance is not a choice to me, it is who I am, it defines me.
I have never related physical strength to my dominance. What you will often find in a sadistic relationship, between a sadist and a true masochist, is that dominance is mainly or mostly, expressed through physical action. If I am strong enough to tie you up, restrain you, use you in a physical manner, that then means that I am more dominant than you are. I think that is a very special case of interaction and I think it is valid in such situation. One should never infer from that the ability to physically punish someone makes them automatically dominant.
Often a release in control will signify best when you are being most dominant. A very simple example would be, when you make the decision to buy a coffee or not your submissives choice. If she knows that you dislike her intake of coffee, because you believe that it damages her body, which you consider yours, she will most likely not choose to have a coffee, but drink something else. In expressing a freedom of choice, I still dominated her decision making process. This has little to do with my physical capability of handling her flesh. Determination can easily outweigh physical size.
I feel that true dominance, if there even is such a thing, stems from the ability to pacify your emotions, exert self-control and analyse what the best course of action might be. Incidentally these virtues are also two you will find in Bushido.
I would not want anyone to desperately try to be something they are not. Some things come to you very easily, others can be learned and some take a long time to learn and only determination can get you there. One thing is for sure though, if you lack the talent to be a great hockey player you will never become the next Wayne Gretzky. I believe that every slave deserves a great Master and someone that embraces his Dominance every day, trying to understand it better with every passing hour. This is where I always wanted to get to.

To me BDSM is about deovtion for one another and inexplicibly trusting one another. It feels really, really good. It feels satisfying. I've been very happy with you. To be able to say that these days, we must be doing something right. Is it stress relief? No, but it does keep me sane and it does keep me from getting burned out. There’s a saying, ‘Pain is only temporary--pride is forever,’. It’s my pride that drives me.

This is true for me, I do not know whether it applies to everyone else.

I Absolutey love your outlook on a dom/sub relationship! And it was incredibly well expressed as well. I'm frustrated with my exploration into this lifestyle by the need for physical restraints and inflicting physical pain as a necessary means to dominate. Having experienced an entirely psychological dominant/submissive relationship - where I simply knew I had to do as I was told ( when I was TOLD ) and obeyed simply out of a desire to demonstrate the breadth of my love for him I wonder why no 'doms' I meet now want to 'do things that way'. You have a lovely way of looking at dominance and I wish to hear from someone such as yourself - why must restraints and pain be employed to elicit submission in a satisying way for most Dom's?

My apologies for posting this question to you here. It misdirects the thread I know.. but hoping for you'll address my question as I respected your perspective and insight.

[AdrianaAurora]

I Absolutey love your outlook on a dom/sub relationship! And it was incredibly well expressed as well. I'm frustrated with my exploration into this lifestyle by the need for physical restraints and inflicting physical pain as a necessary means to dominate. Having experienced an entirely psychological dominant/submissive relationship - where I simply knew I had to do as I was told ( when I was TOLD ) and obeyed simply out of a desire to demonstrate the breadth of my love for him I wonder why no 'doms' I meet now want to 'do things that way'. You have a lovely way of looking at dominance and I wish to hear from someone such as yourself - why must restraints and pain be employed to elicit submission in a satisying way for most Dom's?

My apologies for posting this question to you here. It misdirects the thread I know.. but hoping for you'll address my question as I respected your perspective and insight.

A very interesting question, I will make sure to get Him to answer you back, weg.

Not to be fooled though, He does love practicing His bondage technique and His love of canes is well documented at this site (and if you are interested in more of His philosophy and have masochistic inclinations - to suffer my writing- you can skim through my blog, lol), though true He never needed those to ensure my submission. I don't know how to put it in words more descriptively, but I say that He dominated me through sheer force of His personality, I think He is just wired that way and while its rare He isn't the only one.

[Demon Dom]

Why must restraints and pain be employed to elicit submission in a satisfying way for most Dom's?

Assuming you understand that there are people in our community you can do without…

Because restraints and pain are necessary to elicit submission in a satisfying way for most submissives.
I never asked my wife if she liked anal sex because my kind of woman prefers not to be given options. I also know that she would do anything to please me, and that is what pleases me the most. Had it repulsed her, I would have had to rethink what I wanted as anything that does not make her 'tremble with lust' would not please me either. She is an object of my pleasure, and it pleases me to pleasure her.
There is more to us than sex, but I would have to say that sex is the most important part of our relationship. But, it is not 'just sex'. It has never been 'just sex'.
Yes, I love women. For their mystery, their complexity and for the opposite. Adriana is her own woman to everyone except myself. She's been trained to follow my commands. She submits only to my will, my voice and my touch. In all else, she is equal in the world. The one definitive philosophy behind which I stand is that sub should be bent to the Dominant's will, but she shouldn’t be broken. Each sub requires a different touch.
Some of the things I do to her may superficially resemble abuse, but there's an important difference, I am doing these things because we both enjoy them, and in a manner that is respectful of her limits and desires. Treating ones partner with respect means treating your partner the way she wants to be treated - no law says that nice guys never fuck their wives in the ass or tell their girlfriends to strip and masturbate in front of them. It creates a deep intimacy that's hard to beat. This kind of exploration and sharing creates a bond of intimacy and trust that's more romantic and more passionate than you may believe.
I focus on my partner, and what she needs, social preconceptions of who "women are" mean nothing to me. My focus is on the woman I am with rather than what "women want."
I respond to taking charge in the bedroom, and she responds to being dominated. I enjoy being Dominant and I imagine it's much more fun to submit to a person who enjoys being dominant.

Pain as a necessary means to dominate?

Why would I want to deliberately hurt my most precious possession?
Ah, that's a bit tricky. I've been involved in BDSM and D/s long before I had words to describe either. The best single safety tool we have is our common sense. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.
The experience of pain in an erotic context, for someone who's wired that way, is nothing like what you may imagine; it's an incredible rush that adds a powerful spice to sexual pleasure. Think of it like spice in chili; you might not like taking a bite out of a hot pepper, but in the right amount, it makes the chili a whole lot better...
I've met many people who engage in BDSM activities, such as bondage or spanking, but who insist they are "not into that BDSM stuff." Usually, it's because they have an idea in their heads about what BDSM is, like "BDSM means wearing a leather mask and being chained to a wall and whipped, and I don't like that, so I'm not into BDSM." But BDSM doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a hood and being chained to the wall. If you like being lightly spanked or light bondage excites you, then you're into BDSM.

Some people, myself included, love the aesthetic of an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren't interested in the bondage elements at all. Some people, myself included, love eroticism of caning, the pain, her submission and especially how lovely her bottom looks afterwards. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange of power or sensation. One person is choosing to allow the other person to have control over him or her in some way, or to inflict sensation in some way.
Even things that look extreme, such as flogging or whipping, can be deceptive. These things don't feel like you imagine they do, and in the right environment with the right warm up, they're wonderful. For the most part, it's more stimulating than painful. Once her endorphins, the natural painkilling chemicals produced in the brain, get going, it's the most intense, delightful high you can ever believe.

Pain itself is a very complex topic. It has been researched for decades and while we understand fully how pain receptors and chemicals involved work, we still do not quite understand how pain interacts with our body.
Of course, pain play is something you want to explore slowly. You don't jump right into it; it takes time and practice to learn where your subs limits are, and how your sub responds to things like spanking. In the right setting, pain is both a powerful aphrodisiac and a tremendously pleasurable high. The key is to find how much is "just right."
Even during edgier punishments I have never caused her pain she didn’t need.
The difference in mindset between exploring BDSM with a lover and actually believing that women deserve to be harmed is as great as the difference between playing a hit man in a movie and actually being a hit man.

I am a strong believer in measured responses. When pushing limits, when demanding something for your own pleasure you need to be very aware of the capabilities of the mind you are dealing with. I have always been more than thoughtful towards my pet’s feelings, her emotional readiness towards a certain action and of course her overall state of mind. That sometimes requires me to postpone or re-plan, when I have set out to do something but in the end it does not quit pan out the way that it should be.
I am a lot more extreme in my application of perversion and kink, as such I have always had to “wait” for my sub to catch up. I am glad to say that this waiting period is over now. This is probably also reflected in the fact that I am starting to acquire more explicit toys. These toys will serve to physically express what my pet has known for a very long time, that she craves tight control and that she wants to be held accountable for her actions, very strictly so.

There is not one "right" way to behave that applies to all people all the time. If something adds pleasure to your life and to your partner's life, then it's not a bad thing, even if it is unconventional. And there's certainly no crime in taking pleasure from bringing your partner pleasure!

[leo9]

Why must restraints and pain be employed to elicit submission in a satisfying way for most Dom's?

Assuming you understand that there are people in our community you can do without…

Because restraints and pain are necessary to elicit submission in a satisfying way for most submissives.

IMO, there are two classes of restraint+pain in D/s. There's what you do to train and to enforce training, because not all submissives can or want to respond to purely mental dominance. And there's what you do not because your sub needs to be punished, but because you enjoy doing it.

The second kind is sometimes classed as SM and distinguished from dominance, but I experience it as D/s and most of my subs do too. Simply, the most basic and instinctive expression of power is that I can hurt someone and they have to take it. (Every abuser and rapist understands this.) Most subs, even if their obedience is perfect and their performance faultless, need to be tied up and/or hurt now and then, just to remind them where they stand.

Of course, I'd do it anyway, but it's nice to know it's good for them