Bad experience

[Kadence]

Okay, so, recently, I'd found myself an incredible master. He'd push me to my limits, and then some. I got off on it a lot, until one night, where his demands ended up with me being beaten up by a group of girls in a shop doorway. I was okay, really, except for some obvious facial injuries (fat lip, black eye). But they fucked me up quite badly, mentally. I was a mess for days, with no real explanation to offer to my friends.

I get off on exhinitionism, so my master had told me to masturbate in the middle of the street. Needless to say, it ended extremely badly.

My question is this:

Do you think that, as a community experienced in such kinks and, given that I'm still learning about this lifestyle, it was irresponsible of my master to have me do such a thing?

I mean, I put a lot of trust into those that I give control of my life to, and this has really messed me up. Was it his mistake, or was it mine, for not setting limits?

Your feedback would help a lot as to whether or not I keep in touch with this master

[MrDom]

Kadence a Dom/Masters first concern is the welfare of the sub/slave he needs to protect her mind and then her body no matter what it takes. He shouldn't have let you get into that postion with out protecting you at all cost. Second exhinitionism is great fun as long as it is safe. Third you should have not let your self get into that postion. Where you were unsafe. A Dom/Master main concern is his sub/slave well being no matter what. There should always be some kind of safe word for you no matter what relationship you have. Because if you are new to the lifestyle or for even for any reason you feel you need to slow down or stop. My pet is new to the lifestyle and I preach to her all the time about using our safe word. At anytime when i push her limit and she fells uncomfortable or not sure of what going on to use it. Even if she want too make me happy. I want her to feel safe at all times. Even if her DESIRE of pleaseing me her saftey comes first to me. I hope this helps some and before you go and do this again with your Master you set a safe word that he understands. That he will protect your mind and body before anything else. This is just my opion.


MrDom

[Silke]

Oh my, I'm sorry about what happened to you, Kadence. I hope you're alright now. Whoever's fault it was, I'm sure you've made this a hard limit now, right? Probably not only because of what happened to you, but also because it might be hard to trust anyone with such a request again...

Do you think that, as a community experienced in such kinks and, given that I'm still learning about this lifestyle, it was irresponsible of my master to have me do such a thing?

Yup, I think it was irresponsible, kinda obvious, isn't it? With the way it turned out...

I mean, I put a lot of trust into those that I give control of my life to, and this has really messed me up. Was it his mistake, or was it mine, for not setting limits?

It's quite an extreme task he set you - did you talk about this before? Did you tell him that you had doubts about this or did you trust him blindly? I'm pretty sure you'll be more careful about what you agree to in the future...but I still think it would have been his 'job' to find out whether you fully understood what you were getting into, felt ok with it and to insure your safety as much as possible. I'd have a problem with trusting him again.

Good luck whichever way you go, Kadence.

Silke

[Tojo]

Sorry to hear of your experience Kadence. It's good that you posted this- people need to hear more about the dark side as well as the fun things.

Whose fault it is, & whether you should see this person again is ultimately up to you- only you know all the facts.

Remember any opinions from others, are nothing more than opinions.

My own opinion: resposibility for a sub, male or female rests with the Dom. A true Master would take the time to find out limits before starting anything, then build up gradually. I'm sure as hell no expert, I've fouled up many a time-that's where it's essential to sit down after a session & talk to the sub. Like any relationship a D/s one needs good communication.

To have the ultimate experience, a sub has to know what they want, & settle for nothing less. I mean people can do what they want, but you're risking your life or serious physical or emotional injury.

You know better than anyone what's best for you.

We all have a responsibility to play safe, not just for ourselves but for the good of our community.


Tojo

[submissivewife]

Sounds like you not only had a bad experience but aslo a bad Master as well. Like everyone has said so far, the subs welfare IS the responsiblity of the dom. He's not thinking of your welfare when he let you be beat up by a group of girls. Nor, was it responsible of him to push you so quickly. You need to evaluate your relationship and take steps to correct your situation. Be that a discussion with your dom or leave him entirely.

Doms do need to be held accountable for their actions to......

[Misato36]

I am sorry about what happened to you. My old master was a lot like that. It was the main reason why I left him. You should talk to your master and tell him your feelings.

I must say that your master was indeed irresponsible. He took advantage of one of your weaknesses and exploited it. A master must respect his sub and care for them as well. He or she should protect them physically and mentally. The master's greatest joy should be the well being of his/her slave or sub.

[_ID_]

From the Dom point of view. Two fold irresponsible. Im guessing this is an online relationship with realtime consequences. So first you must remember self preservation when conducting activities with elevated risk such as public indecency. If its not an online relationship, why was your Dom not there to remove you from the bad situation, or was that part of the scene?

Safe words have their place, and should be used when you feel you have gone beyond what your willing to accept. You should talk this over with your Dom, and ask him what was his intention. If it was for you go get your face smashed in, I strongly suggest finding someone else. If it wasn't then your next question should be, why did he let them hurt you? If he was there present at the time that is.

Back to if your in an online relationship, always discuss potential risks of the activity your asked to do, and what to do if things start to take a turn for the worse. If he says "your there, you figure it out". End the conversation and move on. If he gives some reply like "let me think about that". End the conversation, and move on.

When a Dom begins an activity with a submissive, he should have a very good understanding of both the incredible turn on it is, as well as the potential risks of that activity. Even if its something as simple as spanking.

Good luck with your Dom, and good luck with your activities.

V/R
ID

[Putnamcocpl]

First let me echo what have been said here... Your Master should never have put you in that position, and as IDCrewDawg asked.. Was this an Online suggestion or was he there with you?

If he was, why didnt he interceed? This is were his responsibility is clear.. If this was a different senerio, and someone was hospitalized, or worse, He would be in cuffs and a interrogation room somewhere, answering questions about where HIS head was at.

Being new to this lifestyle/playstyle doesnt excuse your responsibility to YOURSELF.. If it doesnt seem safe, DO NOT COMPLY.. Suppose this master has a thing for nooses... Would you let yourself be put in that postition.. and as the stool is creaking under you.. ask.. was this a good idea?

Its no different than a Master asking a sub to dance on a table, in a bar full of drunk guys.. Unless she has a thing for Gang Rape, its not smart to do.

It sounds like you got a bunch of hookers pissed off cause you were invading thier turf.. putting on a show for thier potential customers... Is this the case? Did you know what part of "town" you were in before you did this?

Ok, now for the important part. Please, Do Not Use This as a REASON to give up or deny what you enjoy, but go into things with eyes open and try to see where things are headed and question what doesnt seem safe, 'cause it probably isn't

[Scorpio'sWill2Power]

Sounds like a bad situation even gone more awry by
some clown playing parlor games.

If you don't look out for the interests of what you
portend to be master of and over, then how the hell can
someone claim the right of ownership in the
first place?

Most often if something within yourself questions
the safety or sanity of a task or act than more
than likely it's just that; Neither safe or sane!

Any dom worth their salt and watches over those
they have sway over will always look to protect
what belongs to them.

[Ruby]

Kadence,

Big hugs and long distance cuddles.
What happened to you just wasn't right.

My question is this:

Do you think that, as a community experienced in such kinks and, given that I'm still learning about this lifestyle, it was irresponsible of my master to have me do such a thing?

I must agree with many of the opinions already presented.

He was irresponsible.

You had and have an ongoing responsibility to take care of you.

I, too am curious if this is an online relationship, or if he was there, in real life, watching what happened.

There is a big difference between asking someone to masterbate in a locked car, in parking lot, versus masterbating in an unprotected area.

Likewise, a big difference between masterbating at a play party with like minded people who aren't going to interfere, or out in the open where anything can happen.

In some places, you could have been arrested for the act alone.

I'm very concerned about the judgement of said dom
and that you might be experiencing a bit of sub-frenzy (that overwhelming desire to please that is often the cause of impaired judgement and the inability to say "no").
Both are a dangerous combination.

Please forgive yourself, learn from this and remember the old saying...

Burn me once, shame on you.
Burn me twice, shame on me.

Ruby

[Warbaby1943]

If he was, why didnt he interceed? This is were his responsibility is clear.. If this was a different senerio, and someone was hospitalized, or worse, He would be in cuffs and a interrogation room somewhere, answering questions about where HIS head was at.

Can't add anything to what has already been said to which I whole heartily agree.

Just a quick question about the quote here. Do you think the police would even have questioned him or would all the blame have been shouldered by Kadence? Unfortunately, I think at least the brunt of the blame would have fallen on Kadence unless someone saw him actually standing there forcefully making her do this.

[Putnamcocpl]

As I said, if this was a different senerio, The police would have a few questions for him...

And yes, in the situation that was in the original post, unfortunately, Kadence was ulimately responsible,and if the police had been involved would be at the very least answering questions.

Does anyone remember a twenty something kid named Robert Chambers, who, was convicted of killing a woman, in Central Park during "rough sex". He choked her to death while screwing her, he all the while contending that she "wanted it". If she did or didnt. doesnt matter, she was dead and he was..... wait for it......

Responsible

[cariad]

So sorry to hear about your bad experiences Kadence, and I agree with everything which has already been said. Sending a long big hug.

When you are ready to step out again, please remember that the experience you have described is one of abuse and not Dominance. Dominance is intense, beautiful protective and caring. I sincerely hope that one day you will find a loving Dom who will accept your gift and cherish it.

caraid

[pejanon]

Irresponsible. Quite irresponsible.


It is quite possible that you (or him) NEED to feel ‘un-safe’ or edgy in such scenes. Fine. After all this IS an adult game.

BUT _ Feeling not safe and BEING SAFE are not the same. It is possible to set up such scenes so they can be played out with high safety margin. As it has been pointed out the outcome could have been much worse.

If he COULD have been there and was not – that is absolutely unacceptable.

IF you are having on line relationship he has to find out all details (and you must insist on this) and then he has to plan a scene/task in such a way that you would be safe. And you must contribute – and refuse to do it. In this area it is you who calls the shots.

If he cannot do this – he is not a real Master IMO.

What was his reaction after you were beaten?

I think you need to reconsider this relationship very carefully.

[learningtopleez]

Sending you lots of huggles and cuddles Kadence! I am so sorry that you had to experience such a thing!

First of all, to echo everyone else, your Master (if he can even be called that) was totally irresponsible! Whether the scenario was discussed on-line, and especially if he was standing right there, he was wrong to to have let someone just learning about this lifestyle do such a thing or allow it to happen!

And always set limits love....always! Or have a safe word if it is real time. If it is on-line, then ask as many questions as you can think of if given an assignment that takes you out in the open like this! My former Dom once had me go up to a woman in a bookstore and attempt to flirt with her (I failed miserably as I am so damn shy), but he was right there in the next aisle, where he could see me and make sure I was safe. Anytime anything happened between the two of us, that I considered to be a kind of exhibitionism, he was there.

I wish you love and happiness in all you seek.

[fatsam12003]

make use of them after they r put in use by mutual understanding and if its a sadist that wants to use u wthout a care for what happens to u as an aftermath just walk out i am a dom but have never let my girls or gurlies down in the trust department

wish u luck in ur search for a caring n horny dom

[Kadence]

Hi guys 'n' gals,

Sorry, I've had no internet access over the weekend and wasn't able to check this thread. I've read through all of your advice and comments and it's all been really helpful - thank you! I think we were both at fault in the situation, though. I didn't set secure enough boundaries and he didn't seem to consider the possibility of anything going so sour. I will, of course, try to be a little more sensible and a little less stupid in the future

I also think I had a bit of what Ruby called the "sub-frenzy" going on.

Oh, and in answer to some questions, yes it was an internet relationship, although I was expected to perform in reality without him being present so, no, he wasn't there at the time. His reaction when I told him was surprisingly... I dunno. Short? He said he was sorry, and that we'd obviously gone too far, and that he said if he didn't hear from me in a month he'd assume I wanted to end the relationship. And that was that.

So far, I haven't contacted him. I think I have about two weeks left to make a decision regarding that.

[_ID_]

Sounds to me like you got ahold of a HNG (horny new guy). If I were you I would start off with doing some of the activities on the academy. Saftey is monitored there, and you can learn quite a lot as well. Not to mention there are some here on the boards who have met a real time Dom or sub via the academy.

Go over a checklist with this guy before your next actvity if you intend on keeping in contact. That he was smart enough to say, look I fudged the pooch on this one, I understand if you dont want contact, actually speaks some points in his favor I think.

Good luck & Be Safe

V/R
ID

[Silke]

His reaction when I told him was surprisingly... I dunno. Short? He said he was sorry, and that we'd obviously gone too far, and that he said if he didn't hear from me in a month he'd assume I wanted to end the relationship. And that was that.

And that was it for aftercare? Oh my, now I'd be worried...or disappointed for that matter. He's basically leaving everything to yourself - where is he to help you get over this bad experience that he initiated? Granted, you could have set up more hard limits and have safeworded out - but both of you have to deal with the situation as it developed and the least I'd have expected of him would have been to support you, be there for you, talk this over thoroughly...and then talk about where and if you want to go with your relationship. Just my two cents.

[fantassy]

I have to agree with the others in that this dom doesn't seem to realize his job is not only to think up tasks for you but also to assure you are safe. Although he might not have known you would get beaten up, he did know he was putting you in a non-consentual situtation. The general public did not consent to watching you masterbate. That is a pretty good guideline that the task is a bad idea.

fantassy

[poetic_justice]

Your 'Master' is definately responsible. Not only did he disreguard your own safety and wellbeing, but he put you in a dangerous situation which caused you irreperable mental harm. This man who claims to be a "Master" isn't one at all, he seems more like a little kid on a power trip.

I had a Master just like that about a year back... regardless of my own experiences I encourage you to do what you feel is the RIGHT THING FOR YOU. Disreguard his feelings in this instance, and think about what you're going through and if the relationship is worth that.

Take care, poetic_justice

[dzire2pleeze]

Sorry that you had to experience such a terrible ordeal. Sometimes we learn the hard way. Learning being the definitive word. It sounds to me that you not only put your trust in an inexperienced dominant (and i use the title loosely), but that you, yourself, realize it now just by the aftercare you received.

Look to the bright side, you have to kiss many a frog before you find your prince. I say kiss this frog good-bye and chalk it up as a lesson learned.