Looking for doms advice

[master 327-834-200]

As a relatively new dom, but so far I think im doing ok, how do I deal with a sub who keeps nagging me to let her masturbate?

[Qmoq]

"Nagging"? Oo I think a healthy dose of either cum restriction or cum overload is in order

[cariad]

I know how I would have been treated had I nagged. He would have pulled out of Dom mode completely for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. I would have been told I could do whatever I wished and he would have removed his Domly attention of me.

He did it once, when I put up a mock struggle as he tied me. Never again.

cariad

[_ID_]

cum overload is good. desenstize the clit for a day or too, then followed by a week of no cumming. then when things are back to normal, one good cum. Followed by your preferences of when or where she should masturbate.


V/R
ID

[MsUther]

I know how I would have been treated had I nagged. He would have pulled out of Dom mode completely for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. I would have been told I could do whatever I wished and he would have removed his Domly attention of me.

He did it once, when I put up a mock struggle as he tied me. Never again.

cariad

Very scary thought.
Glad it only happend once.
*shudders*

[cariad]

Very scary thought.
Glad it only happend once.
*shudders*

It was scary! But made me value his Domination more than anything else could have done. Perhaps that is why it only happened once.

cariad

[master 327-834-200]

Excellent replies guys. Special thanks to the subs who shared their thoughts on this.

Anymore suggestions. My first thought is cum overload but I am open for other thoughts too.

[cariad]

Which behaviour are you trying to correct? Nagging or the lack of acceptance of your control over her masturbation? They are very different things, and I would suggest should be handled differently.

cariad

[master 327-834-200]

Excellent question cariad. The nagging is the behaviour that needs tackling, after all she has accepted my control as she asks me for permission to masturbate.

[Tojo]

Yes well spotted by cariad.

The way I handle it is to say in essence 'well if you don't want me.....'

I just point out that it's her choice after all.


Tojo

[Ozme52]

The way I handle it is to say in essence 'well if you don't want me.....'

I just point out that it's her choice after all.


Tojo

I have to disagree with that one unless you are indeed willing to give her up. Don't make empty threats.

I'd suggest letting her masterbate, indeed insist on it... but forbid her her orgasm. Make her masterbate in front of you, take her to a restaurant and make her masterbate under the tablecloth, in the car in the parking lot. I'm sure you can come up with other ideas.

If she comes, she gets punished. Punishment could include loss of the use of her hands (cuffs, and/or binders) for the length of the punishment period... during which time you keep her aroused and unsatisfied, alternated with any of the following... spanking/flogging/singlewhip/caning.

All the while you will be educating her to the fact that nagging is unbecoming and not to be tolerated.

Forced orgasms are, in my opinion, a reward for nagging. Save this for some other type of transgression... say... if she refuses one of your orders.

[dzire2pleeze]

I have to disagree with that one unless you are indeed willing to give her up. Don't make empty threats.

I'd suggest letting her masterbate, indeed insist on it... but forbid her her orgasm. Make her masterbate in front of you, take her to a restaurant and make her masterbate under the tablecloth, in the car in the parking lot. I'm sure you can come up with other ideas.

If she comes, she gets punished. Punishment could include loss of the use of her hands (cuffs, and/or binders) for the length of the punishment period... during which time you keep her aroused and unsatisfied, alternated with any of the following... spanking/flogging/singlewhip/caning.

All the while you will be educating her to the fact that nagging is unbecoming and not to be tolerated.

Forced orgasms are, in my opinion, a reward for nagging. Save this for some other type of transgression... say... if she refuses one of your orders.

~bows to the great oz~

i almost always agree with cariad. as a matter of fact, this is possibly the first time i've disagreed with her. to me a threat such as, "do it or else i leave you" borders on emotional abuse. maybe i misunderstood or misread, but denying someone your attention is like locking a child in a dark closet without talking to them for a day.

this time the great oz gets my kudos. i like your style.

[Tojo]

Me make empty threats?

Step out here & say that bud!

Yes of course you have to mean it- but what kind of a relationship do you have otherwise?


Tojo

[cariad]

~bows to the great oz~

i almost always agree with cariad. as a matter of fact, this is possibly the first time i've disagreed with her. to me a threat such as, "do it or else i leave you" borders on emotional abuse. maybe i misunderstood or misread, but denying someone your attention is like locking a child in a dark closet without talking to them for a day.

this time the great oz gets my kudos. i like your style.

I completely agree with you d2p. I would never suggest or support the use of a threat, and I am sorry that I did not make that more clear in what I initially posted. The punishment which was given to me was simply a withdrawal of the privilege of being his submissive for a known period of time. He did not withdraw his love or affection from me during that time; we just had a painfully vanilla relationship.

But your point is well made, and denying someone your attention is a painful experience for both parties. Whilst I hope I would never ever shut a child a dark closet for even 5 seconds, I would insist that they take five minutes 'out time' whilst they are excluded from participating in what is happening. I always see 'corner time' as the same. It is a short time on my own; to collect my thoughts and appreciate what is important to me.

What happened in the incident I mentioned with myself was a transition between enjoying submissive activites, and truly being so. It took a very wise man to see that, and I will always be grateful to him for it.

I am sure that Tojo also did not see his suggestion as a threat, merely a statement of fact. If you behave like this then we cannot continue to have a D/s relationship. Again only the sort of thing which would stated in an extreme situation. But I will leave that for him to comment on. (edit - he has already done so whilst I was writing this.)

I see nagging as a very destructive behaviour in any relationship, and in a D/s one I believe that it is subversive attempt to top from the bottom, and as such should be dealt with accordingly. Hence my suggestion.

But having once been told that what people remember in anything that you write is the first and last paragraph, I wish to reiterate what you say about threats and although there may occasionally be times when it is appropriate to deny attention, this should only be done in an obviously loving and supportive way.

cariad

[cariad]

...Forced orgasms are, in my opinion, a reward for nagging.

I agree.

cariad

[cookiecat]

I.
What happened in the incident I mentioned with myself was a transition between enjoying submissive activites, and truly being so. It took a very wise man to see that, and I will always be grateful to him for it.
cariad

This has been a very enlightening thread and I just had to stop and take pause at this comment. It is that a-ha moment - the light bulb going off, so to speak. cariad, i always appreciate reading your posts and for me, this one spoke to me. The difference between playing sub and being submissive.

Thanks, cookiecat

ps.... was going to go to bed to really think this over; however, my mind keeps skipping back to Oz's post and somehow think i might be dreaming about that restaurant.

[cariad]

Sweet dreams....

[master 327-834-200]

This kind of discussion is what makes this site so valuable. Informed opinion, reasoned argument, respect for others and valuable insights.

I will be thinking long about my course of action as I feel this is the first big test in our BDSM life together (except of course the first step). It is key that I get this right and as all Dominants know success is in the planning, a great deal of the pleasure too.

I hope more people will join the discussion as it has moved to cover an important area of our chosen path.

[Tojo]

I think what you say about it being the first real test in your relationship is hitting the nail on the head Tobe.

Nagging behaviour is serious stuff to me- why say you want to submit to me, then whinge about it?

I remember such a convo with my own lisa earlier this year- I said 'babe I can't make you do anything' That was all it took, a reminder that she was in this of her own free will.

Oh & Oz- I meant what I said, but remember- my bike is a helluva lot faster than yours....

You'll have to catch me first!

Tojo

[shins]

Being that you already have control of her masturbation/orgasms, the focus is on her nagging. IMHO, you can't accomodate her desire in the least. It will plant the seed in her mind that if she nags enough, her Master will cave in. This will undermine the D/s dynamic and potentially cause a loss of respect.. maybe not from this singular instance, but if a pattern started developing....

I'm assuming that your orders have been no touching/no masturbating. With her continual nagging, it sounds like this has been going on for a little while. I would entertain the idea of "adding a day" each time that she nags. You've already denied her continually, she knows that the nagging isnt getting her anywhere, but she persists. Once she realizes that each time she opens her mouth about it, it's taking her in exactly the opposite direction that she's hoping for, methinks she's going to shut her mouth, lol. I would use this opertunity to reaffirm to her that you are Master, what you say goes, without question, and the lesson learned will span across other areas of your relationship. You'll still have occasional 'flare ups' from her, but that's part of what keeps it fun and interesting.

Oh, and something to consider if you havent already, I would order her to 'fuel the fire'. No touching/masturbating is frustrating, but if she is allowed to distract herself with menial tasks that draw her attention away, it looses its affect a little bit. Have her read stories, look at pictures, make a conscious effort to think about things that make her hot while she's performing her menial tasks. Unrelenting and continous, utilizing every spare moment of her time focused on things that make her want to touch herself while continuing to deny it.

Just my 2 cents.. I look forward to seeing how you resolve your delimia.. Good luck

[dzire2pleeze]

Thanks for taking the time to clear that up for me cariad. It makes more sense to me now.

ps.... was going to go to bed to really think this over; however, my mind keeps skipping back to Oz's post. ~smiles~

[Silke]

Have her read stories, look at pictures, make a conscious effort to think about things that make her hot while she's performing her menial tasks. Unrelenting and continous, utilizing every spare moment of her time focused on things that make her want to touch herself while continuing to deny it.

Oh hell, you're cruel, lol. I really hope my domly one won't read this. *shudders*

[Nikita]

"Nagging"? Oo I think a healthy dose of either cum restriction or cum overload is in order

I'd suggest letting her masterbate, indeed insist on it... but forbid her her orgasm. Make her masterbate in front of you, take her to a restaurant and make her masterbate under the tablecloth, in the car in the parking lot. I'm sure you can come up with other ideas.

Oh, and something to consider if you havent already, I would order her to 'fuel the fire'. No touching/masturbating is frustrating, but if she is allowed to distract herself with menial tasks that draw her attention away, it looses its affect a little bit. Have her read stories, look at pictures, make a conscious effort to think about things that make her hot while she's performing her menial tasks. Unrelenting and continous, utilizing every spare moment of her time focused on things that make her want to touch herself while continuing to deny it.

I couldn't agree more with any of suggested permutations above, and sweet Cariad's input included.

Often, submissives will push their doms in ways that a punishment will be in order, in this instance, cum deprivation. For some of us, cum deprivation is not a hardship, to the contrary.

Keeping that in mind, and knowing your sub the way you do, what is it that she is pushing for? cum deprivation, discipline, or attention?

[Ozme52]

ps.... was going to go to bed to really think this over; however, my mind keeps skipping back to Oz's post and somehow think i might be dreaming about that restaurant.

I'm available for consults....

[Ozme52]

Oh & Oz- I meant what I said, but remember- my bike is a helluva lot faster than yours....

You'll have to catch me first!

Tojo

I have more than one bike... and more than one "kind" of bike. If yours is indeed faster than mine... then I'm sure mine vibrates more which makes for a nice ride on the backseat.

[cookiecat]

I have more than one bike... and more than one "kind" of bike. If yours is indeed faster than mine... then I'm sure mine vibrates more which makes for a nice ride on the backseat.

May we take that bike to the restaurant????

cookiecat

[cariad]

Oh & Oz- I meant what I said, but remember- my bike is a helluva lot faster than yours....

I have more than one bike... and more than one "kind" of bike. If yours is indeed faster than mine... then I'm sure mine vibrates more which makes for a nice ride on the backseat.

where would we subs be without our Doms

[Ozme52]

May we take that bike to the restaurant????

cookiecat

Absolutely. Imagine, bare under a loose skirt, sitting on a nice labia spliting dowel... as we ride the curves on the way to a mountain top retreat.

[cariad]

Absolutely. Imagine, bare under a loose skirt, sitting on a nice labia spliting dowel... as we ride the curves on the way to a mountain top retreat.

Don't leave it there....please.....how about taking this into the role play forum????

cariad

[Tojo]

I have more than one bike... and more than one "kind" of bike. If yours is indeed faster than mine... then I'm sure mine vibrates more which makes for a nice ride on the backseat.

Oh yeah but Oz when you've taken a girl up to 150MPH or so, she just melts...

If you can slow down & take your hand off the bars, you can have a lot of fun without even stopping.

It's also amazing what a girl can do to her man out on the road at night. Bikes are way cool.

Tojo