A great read for new and old members

[peach]

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs50/f/20...nkenstein.html

[denuseri]

That was just fantastic hon, I loved it!

[ksst]

This was a really good read. I didn't know most of that stuff. It must be hard being a "real" dom, huh?

[TwistedTails]

That was a good read. Thanks peach.

[Ozme52]

It must be hard being a "real" dom, huh?

Answer 1: I would imagine acting, but not being, would indeed be difficult. Unfortunately for those who are inexperienced, detecting posers is also difficult, especially as the posers usually have an excellent script to follow, the net being as informative as it is.

It must be hard being a "real" dom, huh?

Answer 2: Yes. All the time.

[ksst]

My questions are spinning so I don't even know what to ask. But your posts always make me smile.

Being informative seems like something of a catch 22, no?

[Ozme52]

Lol

[iucundavi]

That was a good read, thank you. As a 26 y.o. man just starting to explore "the life," I particularly appreciated the part about it being basically impossible for 18-year olds to be doms.

[thir]

That was a good read, thank you. As a 26 y.o. man just starting to explore "the life," I particularly appreciated the part about it being basically impossible for 18-year olds to be doms.

I did not quite understand that - why should it be impossible?? Everybody has to start somewhere.

[thir]

This was a really good read. I didn't know most of that stuff. It must be hard being a "real" dom, huh?

I think there was a lot of good stuff there too. But the 'real dom' expression is - a bit grinding on the nerves, after all the discussions about what that means..
It is easier to say - as he does - what a good dom isn't, than what he is. A 'real' dom is 'natural'..Hm. Not helpful.

I thought some points might be worth a talk.. The 'do the math' paragraph is highly questionable, IME. He claims that the ratio of doms to subs is one to ten, and I do not know where he got those figures, but I'd say at the least, it depends on where you are. Around where I am, it is certianly not that bad. I do not think people need be quite that pessimistic ;-)

I think 'know your enemy' is a bit drastic but again, it may be that things are different where I am. Certianly one should be careful and keep and eye out for the people he describe, they are all out there. But identifying them is difficult, and worth a discussion: how do you do that? Sure, some one them are easy enough, the ones that start ordering you around after 'hello' - though as I see it, if you are into a bit of fun online yourself there is no harm in that..

I think control freaks are real tough to spot, because they say all the things that starving subs want to hear! They push the right buttons, but as with vanilla control freaks, you do not really recognize them until after spending some time with them. I honestly think the best you can do is to keep telling people that if someone wants to isolate you from friends and family (though gradually, and always with a 'good' reason) that is a clear danger sign. If they are never satisfied, or, quite simply, if you are not happy - even if you cannot explain to yourself why, because he sounds so reasonable, you should get out, at least to get a break. Once at a distance, it is easier to see what happended.

As for violent people, I do not think you can spot them, frankly. I think all you can do is take all of the commen sense safety measures, take your time and so on. If you cannot wait, go to a club where there are other people around.

The 'know your goal' paragraph is especially good! And does not often occur in these articles on how to.
Also very useful with people who already know each other, but who find out later about bdsm and start from scratch. At my own onset I found all this material overwhelming, and almost a put off at first, but it served me well later.

Test 11, asking for references, strikes me as both impossible, impolite and useless. Would you ask for references from someone's ex-lover or ex-wife? Honestly. Not to mention the fact that what is good for one is bad for another.


Test 12, 13 and strkes me as advice you get from submissives on lists with 'real subs' and 'real masters': you always get told that 'Master knows best' and that you should trust him completely without questions. 'everything for Master' and the reward will come..
Most of these acid tests are real good advice :-)

But 'know what a real dom acts life' is not helpful! A 'real', or as I prefer it, a good dom, can be many kinds of people, who all act differently.
He says 'I have never heard of an uptight sexual dominant.' Nonsense, everybody can get uptight for one reason or another.
'We tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time.' Not true, or at least the surveys I have seen concludes that you cannot conclude anything from careers, bdsm persons are simply the same as vanilla in that respect, except maybe slightly better educated.

I think he if better of doing what he does most of the time: talking about the danger signs of potentially dangerous people. Defining 'real' dominants is doomed to fail.

But mostly all very useful.

[ksst]

Those are good insights. Personally, I am not looking for anyone, but am interested in the whole topic of what makes a dominant. My master has an account here now, although with the log out problem it's a huge issue for us both to get on the site- involving switching cables to a lap top and it's generally too much trouble so he doesn't post. But his profile (Vetinari) describes him as a reluctant Master. I am totally happy with our sessions and play, but wish he felt more natural in the role. Honestly he plays so well I can't tell he's unsure, but he says he is.

[Ozme52]

I did not quite understand that - why should it be impossible?? Everybody has to start somewhere.

Of course it's possible. Even I was once 18 and dominant.
But in the context of the article I think its saying watch out for the young who claim to be experienced dominants. I'd probably be safe saying I'm experienced, but would also say I still have lots to learn.

[Ozme52]

...

I thought some points might be worth a talk.....

...I think he if better of doing what he does most of the time: talking about the danger signs of potentially dangerous people. Defining 'real' dominants is doomed to fail.

But mostly all very useful.

thir,

Very nice, valid commentary.

[Ozme52]

Those are good insights. Personally, I am not looking for anyone, but am interested in the whole topic of what makes a dominant. My master has an account here now, although with the log out problem it's a huge issue for us both to get on the site- involving switching cables to a lap top and it's generally too much trouble so he doesn't post. But his profile (Vetinari) describes him as a reluctant Master. I am totally happy with our sessions and play, but wish he felt more natural in the role. Honestly he plays so well I can't tell he's unsure, but he says he is.

That too, comes with time and experience. His current "reluctance" likely stems from societal conditioning. (Mine did.) The fact that he is trying, tries to (and apparently does) please you and doesn't reject it out of hand, implies he has the apptitude to enjoy it himself... and perhaps the discovery that he is enjoying it is part of that current unsurity.

[thir]

Of course it's possible. Even I was once 18 and dominant.
But in the context of the article I think its saying watch out for the young who claim to be experienced dominants. I'd probably be safe saying I'm experienced, but would also say I still have lots to learn.

Ah - yes. Actually, judging from these pages people who are 18 ask for advice - but I guess they are the sensible ones.

Anyway, I'd say anyone who meets an 18 year old who claims lots of experience will kind of guess that he/she is a liar - or have been a real enfant terrible! ;-)

[thir]

thir,

Very nice, valid commentary.

Thank you :-)

[iucundavi]

I mis-spoke; I didn't mean "impossible," but rather difficult. I considered myself a dom when I was 18, but not in the sense of knowing the lifestyle and having experience in actually having subs. Also there's a certain emotional maturity required of doms that most people in their late teens simply don't possess. There are exceptions, of course, but I'm speaking generally.