Looking for a Master to Teach Me

[The Novice]

My wife and I are new to the lifestyle. I'm looking for a Dom to mentor me online. We are taking things slow as we still exploring our basic limits. My biggest problem is I want to please her, so being a Dom is not in my nature, but I want to learn so I can give her what she wants. She enjoys being tied up or restrained and being spanked. I have found that I love spanking her, and having my way with her while she's tied up.

First question, how do I over come my natural tendency to serve her?

[VeniVidi]

In answer to your first question, my advice based on what you have told us is to continue to serve her: serve her liberal portions of spanking and having your way with her when she is tied up. You are then Dominating by deciding to do what you want to do and she is submitting by acquiescing to your desires.

As for having a problem that you want to please her - that isn't a problem. The best D/s relationships (like the best vanilla ones) are where there is deep love between the two of you. Speak to many Masters on this site and you will find that they adore their sub to bits and strive to make sure they are happy. (Of course we are all human beings often with work pressures etc. which mean that's not always possible but the intention is there). Spanking and bondage are exactly what she wants so that must mean you are pleasing her, which is another thing that you have decided you want to do.

Being a Dom means accepting the gift of control that a sub gives you. How you use that gift is up to you. Most advisors would tell you than you must hold on to those reins of control firmly in order to please your sub - interpret that as you will, because another well-quoted adage is that every bdsm relationship is different.

If you want further advice outside this forum you and/or your wife may message me via YIM.

VV

[The Novice]

Thank you for your input and your offer of advice.

[Sir Scot]

By spanking her ytou ARE serving her as she enjoy's it, Keep up the good work

[denuseri]

I also highly recommend that you do not go with any one single mentor, especially online.

Additionally I recommend you get any and all your advice out in the open as opposed to on some instant messenger or yim etc and remember that as fun as some of the stories are to read, they are a far cry from reality.

[The Novice]

I understand, and thanks for the advice.

[The Novice]

After talking to my wife some more, I understand that I most learn to trust my wife and understand what she wants

[VeniVidi]

I would qualify the advice that the wonderful denu gave to fit your situation!

It is wise to check and investigate any advice you get before acting, but everyone I know who has a mentor has only one (one that they actually refer to as their mentor anyway) - in my opinion they are as well off asking questions of that single mentor and then discussing things with friends of theirs. And looking up the definition "... true mentoring is more than just answering occasional questions or providing ad hoc help. It is about an ongoing relationship of learning, dialog, and challenge ..." I wonder how many actually have the time and/or luxury of more than one "true" relationship of that nature - my experience is that being a mentor is just as much hard work as having a sub but without the fun element (which is why I wouldn't offer to be your mentor, for example!).

In this lifestyle subs are (often) taught to be open about their feelings/problems/fears/desires/etc, but I am not sure that it is a good idea for everyone to discuss all aspects of their relationship on a forum! In fact I am more than aware that for some people to ask even a relatively "tame" question "in public" like this takes great deal of courage (especially as this forum does not allow anonymous posts). The bdsm community is sufficiently large that there is a high possibility any question you have would have been answered and probably discussed in depth somewhere - but it can take a great deal of time and effort especially when there is more than one possible answer (and as we all know every bdsm relationship is different so that happens frequently). It IS much easier just to ask "someone in the know" and hope that their knowledge/experience is applicable to you - but if you do please be "risk aware" that it is just their opinion/point of view.

VV

[Austerus]

You don't want an online mentor, at least not a single one or anyone through a private channel. Post questions in open forum (keep them as redacted as you want/need to protect your and your wife's dignity). Also, read a few books. "The Topping Book" and "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" are both pretty well regarded and might give you and your wife a common touchpoint for discussion and exploration.

You should also look for events in your local area to try to attend. There are events called "munches" that are (in most places) pretty laid back events at restaurants or bars with a bunch of people dressed normally and having a meal and socializing, without much pressure or forcing you to dive into the deep end.

[The Novice]

Thanks for the advice it is very helpful.

[Kuve {Sett}]

in addition to "The Topping Book", already mentioned, you might consider getting it's companion volume, "The Bottoming Book", by the same authors for your wife. Read them together and discuss which things seem most appealing to each of you and then use that information to find a mutually desirable starting point. As trust and rapport in the scene aspects of your relationship develop she will be able to relinquish control in steadily greater degrees. Above all don't rush things, let her find her way even as your finding yours and allow yourselves to grow together both as individuals and as a couple.