What Does "Broken" Mean in D/s Relationships?

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

I have seen the word "broken" (she needs to be broken repeatedly,etc) in the forums a bit and don't really understand what that means. I am a sub, new, and completely fascinated by this site.
Is breaking a sub part of training? What is the end goal of breaking? Trust? Rebuilding? Letting go completely?
Any info from a Master/Dom would be cherished....

[Solis]

Good morning, child.

That's a fair and thoughtful question. There's a cool and slightly-scary term that you'd want to understand first: self-abnegation. Both genetics and experience teach us the importance of a strong self so that we can practice self-protection, self-defense, self-preservation. Those are guides and shields that can, over time, turn into ruts and shells. They leave us safe but barely alive, barely capable of experiencing anything new because "new" is risky. Self-abnegation surrenders ("negates") the self and, in doing so, frees it.

The impulse to self-defense is controlled by an ancient and very powerful part of the brain, the amygdala. It's a little almond-shaped organ (hence the name, from the Latin for "almond") at the back of your brain and it is very twitchy. Anything that might conceivably represent a threat (think "radical change in diet") is quite enough to trigger its panic reaction, which we sometimes term "fight or flight." If a strange dog lunges at you (even a hologram or a 3D movie dog), there's no amount of thinking that can get you to hold still - the amygdala simply short-circuits the message from your sensory organs to your cerebellum: "let's think about this" is simply not an option because the amygdala has triggered a different reaction first.

It is possible to sort of anesthetize the amygdala, to put it into sleep mode while allowing the more advanced part of the brain to run the show.

"Breaking" is the process of eliminating a sub's ability to pursue self-interest, self-protection, self-preservation, self-defense. It might be achieved quickly by imposition of force majeure: once the shackles and gag are in place, you no longer have the ability to protect yourself in any way (the toy goes where your Dom/me wants it to go, the lash lands where and when S/He wishes, the pictures go where S/He wants them to go). In theory, you could be broken in a single, long exhausting session. And, in theory, the breaking is followed by liberation: when I say "unbutton," you don't question. You don't worry. You don't hesitate. You unbutton and experience.

The breaking process is, by turns, inconceivable, terrifying, hard, scary, tough, frightening. In practice, especially given the constraints of computer-mediation, breaking is a more gradual but still relentless process. Every day you take one step forward; the doors behind you, your avenues of retreat, are not slammed shut but are slowly closed. As you're led, more and more of your identity becomes tied to Him (or Her). More and more, the thought of disappointing Him - the thought of losing Him, even briefly - becomes frightening, then terrifying, finally inconceivable. At base, your amygdala is surrendered to his service.

Doubtful? You might pose the following hypothetical to your sisters: "You were given a rule. You were thoughtless and clearly violated it. S/He's angry and you're ordered to choose your punishment: you will be beaten with a belt to the point you think you're losing your mind or you will be completely cut-off from your Master for the weekend. Grounded. No email, no chat, no chat, no looking at His picture, no speaking His name, no wearing your collar, no log-in to your shared account. Just 48 hours to reflect. Which would you choose and how long would it take you to decide?" A broken girl would, I suspect, not hesitate in her answer.

Unfortunately, many Dom/mes are human. Flawed, irresolute, unreflective, subject to whim and distraction, inconstant. As a result, they botch the process and leave the sub dangling. (Which pisses me off, but that's a separate rant.)

I'm not sure if that's exactly a universal understanding of the term but it is (a) mine and (b) probably in the commonly-understood direction, give or take some fine-tuning by others wiser than me.

Hope that helps,

Solis

[gracieflower]

You might pose the following hypothetical to your sisters: "You were given a rule. You were thoughtless and clearly violated it. S/He's angry and you're ordered to choose your punishment: you will be beaten with a belt to the point you think you're losing your mind or you will be completely cut-off from your Master for the weekend. Grounded. No email, no chat, no chat, no looking at His picture, no speaking His name, no wearing your collar, no log-in to your shared account. Just 48 hours to reflect. Which would you choose and how long would it take you to decide?" A broken girl would, I suspect, not hesitate in her answer.

Beautifully, scarily, openly broken. IMO, this is nail and hammer. Much thanks for this post.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Solis each time I see your name now in a thread I feel some "solace", as I know whatever you write, I get so much from. This is no different. Beautifully informative. I hope you don't tire of my questions, as I'm growing to look for your answers

[deigja]

Solis that was beautifully done. I learned something new there, too, and it made me think a lot about what I had to learn in therapy when my depression was worst: letting go of mechanisms/barriers that you once learned to protect yourself but that, after a while, are superfluos. they have served you well during a time when you needed them. But often they stay behind and can become a prison you cannot get free from, hurt you more than they help. you have to unlearn them, which is really really hard.
Some of these barriers that are used to protect you from people who would want to harm you, can become too strong and it´s really hard then to trust someone fully. For a good D/s relationship trust is so important that you need to break these barriers down, not for everyone but for your Dom/me. You need to let them fully in and need to realize that (if you found the right person) there´s one person you don´t need to protect yourself from.

Deigja

[Solis]

I've read, again and again, skittish doe's Layered. It captures, better than anything else I've read, the incredible thoughtfulness and courage that's an essential part of being a sub. It's easy to stereotype subs as "the passive ones" or "the ones who want to be told, rather than to think." It's also, of course, lunatic. Many subs are remarkably successful leaders in the professions and communities; they stand against a gale of challenges and often prevail. But I get a sense that many are thinking, "but that's not me, that's just an exhausting, draining game that i'm good at playing." Or perhaps, "that's not all of me. i can be that, but please let me find a place where the rest of me can blossom, too - just a bit of floor where i can curl and lean against my Master."

Just getting to the point where you can say that and not doubt your sanity, seems a victory to me. Taking the next step and finding someone for whom you'll gladly strip away your armor, is a greater one.

Thanks for the kind words.

S.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

*chokes up* Sniffle. YES!
Seems as though my armor is pretty flimsy, already. At least here it is. What a relief.....

[Solis]

If you're feeling less medieval - less ahmandi of Arc - the other analogy that I've imagined is to pantyhose. (Not that I have direct experience with wearing them, though I do have a bit of history in helping to remove them.) For executives and other in the corporate world, donning pantyhose is a professional necessity but not a comfortable one. A sort of bearable evil. And mostly you don't notice them during the day - little hitches and itches, small annoyances, but mostly subliminal. But when you get home, how long does it take before you're thinking: "please God, just let me get out of these things?" And how do you feel when that happens?

Just a thought experiment.

S.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

I get the analogy. From when I used to wear pantyhose. I've discovered that thigh highs are just as good at getting the job done and I don't tend to race home to remove them once alone. No. They stay. But yes pantyhose...that seam
Point taken, Sir.

[lissie]

[QUOTE Doubtful? You might pose the following hypothetical to your sisters: "You were given a rule. You were thoughtless and clearly violated it. S/He's angry and you're ordered to choose your punishment: you will be beaten with a belt to the point you think you're losing your mind or you will be completely cut-off from your Master for the weekend. Grounded. No email, no chat, no chat, no looking at His picture, no speaking His name, no wearing your collar, no log-in to your shared account. Just 48 hours to reflect. Which would you choose and how long would it take you to decide?" A broken girl would, I suspect, not hesitate in her answer] Solis[/COLOR]

Thank you humbly Sir, for your clarity of thought - you have made me realise i am still very much broken to an old Master's will, its 2 years since I have had contact with him, and have experimented temporarily with 2 others since, but still when faced with your choice - still I would choose to be beaten until I was lost in the pain than be unable to have contact with him for a weekend. I think I seek the impossible in trying to find peace with the deep psychological and physical need I have to submit totally, without such a perfect match as he was to me. Wishing you a good day, lissie.