Strange Problem

[kwdsslave]

I do not know where else to post this. I am trying to figure out how to fix myself, since this problem was one of the reasons my husband cheated on me...

I have a very hard time orgasming, and can only do so with the help of a vibrator. I have an aversion to touching myself, it makes me feel guilty. Around the time my husband had an affair, I had lost interest in sex. Now, almost a year later, with a divorce lingering in my future, I want to figure out how to get my sex drive back, and learn how to get over the aversion to touching myself, and learn how to orgasm without the use of a vibrator. I am wondering if anyone has been through something similar, and if anyone has any advice that might help me with my issues/problems. Thank you in advance...

[kkb67]

yep...sorry to note...that happened with me...you will get past it and I really don't believe its "your problem".

[Solis]

Too, I'm not at all sure that the problem qualifies as "strange." "Damned annoying and frustrating," certainly, but not necessarily strange. About 10% of all women report that they can't achieve orgasm; the medical term is "anorgasmia." I've linked to a good article from the Mayo Clinic. They note that the condition is common, that it might serve from physical, psychological or relationship issues, and that there are a number of interventions from lifestyle changes to hormone therapies.

Question One might be diagnostic: what's up? Were you taught early on that sex was bad (or traumatic)? If you think back to your horniest teen years, was it still a challenge? Or were you wonderfully predatory for part of your life, then discovered changes creeping in? If so, what accompanied them?

The girls are apt to be able to offer infinitely better insight than I can, but I will note that my own interest in sex dropped sharply after marriage, bottomed out at zero for a long while, but has rebounded remarkably following my divorce and the arrival of a very sensuous, wriggly sub in my life. Given that she took her own damn good time about showing up, I find myself in the odd position of being older and (reportedly) sexier than I would have imagined. Which is to say, there's reason for hope.

S.

[kwdsslave]

kkb67- Thank you for the kind words. Definitely working with a lot right now.

Solis- I read the link, thank you so much. I had no idea there was an actual name for it. I knew about medications possibly playing a part, and my doctors recently switched around my antidepressants and fibromyalgia meds in hopes of helping all around, unsuccessfully. It probably stems a lot from my upbringing (strict catholic), and past traumas. I may bring it up with my doctor at my next physical (I am a disabled vet, and it is hard to get in to see my doc at the VA unless during out biannual appointment). Now that I am not in a intimate relationship, I figured it would be the best time to start sorting things out with me...and less time trying to save my marriage, since the hubby has already checked out...

Thank you again.

[chipmunk_]

Hi, kwdsslave.

Hmmm...i can remember a time when i also had an aversion to touching myself. From the age when i first began masturbating, probably until i was close to 30, i rarely touched myself. i always masturbated using some sort of object to do the touching. i eventually overcame that aversion in the shower, while i was washing (not masturbating). Once i could wash, very intimately, without using a cloth, or feeling even a twinge of aversion, it was easier to move on toward sexual play.

i might suggest that if you try this, at first you not set a goal of orgasm. Perhaps instead just get to know your own body, and become comfortable with touching yourself.

[ickleimi]

these messages are really good guys. Thanks. Having been in an abusive relationship and had some pretty nasty stuff done to my lady area I found sex really difficult. 8 years on, I still find orgasming extremelly difficult and with a hitachi wand and penetration in can take up to two hours. Sometimes I just never get there.

[kwdsslave]

Chipmunk: Thank you for the idea. I am going to have to try that. Hopefully getting to know myself in a clean environment like the shower will help me overcome my issues over time. It is also so good to know that I am not the only one to have problems like this. It is hard to find people to talk about this kind of stuff with, and I am so glad I decided to post here. I will let you know how it goes!

these messages are really good guys. Thanks. Having been in an abusive relationship and had some pretty nasty stuff done to my lady area I found sex really difficult. 8 years on, I still find orgasming extremelly difficult and with a hitachi wand and penetration in can take up to two hours. Sometimes I just never get there.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been in a few abusive relationships, and am a rape survivor on top of it. Hitachi wand is the only thing that I can reach orgasm with, and that still takes awhile. It does get better though. You definitely have to heal yourself emotionally as well as physically. Good luck and if you ever need to talk, let me know!

[Solis]

Might I offer a vote in favor of powering down your cell phone and reading smut?

I scanned a few of the fibromyalgia forums and blogs today on the issue of fibro and orgasm. There were several long and interesting posts that indict one of the meds as "a real orgasm killer" and reflect on the difficulties of cumming when your body aches. At the same time they note that the trio of chemicals released during arousal and climax (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin) are powerful tools for helping you relax, de-stress and block pain. So you're right to be open with your doctors about the challenge you're dealing with and they're right to try to alter the balance of meds and to reduce dosages until you find the lowest effective level.

That deals with the medical or physical contributors to anorgasmia. The psychological ones might be more fun to address. There's a psychological concept called "negative sexual self-schema," which comes down to the conviction that you shouldn't enjoy, much less pursue, sex. Girls who learn early on that sex is dirty, that it's a holy obligation attendant only to procreation, that they need to be passive and shouldn't ever talk about "such things," can end up internalizing an unhealthy view of a healthy activity. Having those views reinforced by abusive relationships (a/k/a assholes) makes it harder to imagine enjoying your body and its potential.

One of the healthiest uses of smut (okay, "erotica" if you want to be all prissy about it) is that it helps you construct a world in which sex is good and in which you have a right to revel in your own sexuality. My guess is that if you get to the point where you feel good about the prospect of touching yourself, your brain might begin finding ways around some of the other challenges. To achieve that goal, three things need to happen:

1. you need to find smut that calls to you. I'd probably not recommend readings that stress violence but could imagine you enjoying themes of submission, slavery, captivity and such. But then I'm not a sub, much less a female one, so that might be a silly stereotype. If I were you, I'd issue a challenge to my sisters to nominate the hottest stories they read so that you might create a winter reading list.

2. you need to get lost in it. This is the "power down the cell" part. Getting lost in a story, becoming part of the story, is a powerful experience but it requires the ability to devote yourself to it. An obsessive connection to cell phones cultivates what's called a state of "continuous partial attention," your brain is always half-listening for incoming texts or nagging at your to check Facebook. If you want to get to a state where smut helps, you also want a state where you're more obsessive about getting back to your story than about surfing. Find long stories, novels or trilogies or series, and set aside a sacred time each day to devote to them; time when you've decided the outside is not welcome.

3. you need to allow casual stimulation while reading - stroking yourself but not in conscious pursuit of orgasm - as a fine part of the experience. That's a simple matter of reinforcement and rewiring. Good stories get linked with good physical sensations and both get linked with a happier mental space. You don't need to cum, you need to experience pleasure.

It's not that simple. Nothing's that simple. I know. But all positive change begins with a single step and the realization that you can take another step after that and then another.

As ever,

S.

[kwdsslave]

Solis- Again, thank you for all the advice. I truly appreciate it. I did take Chipmunks advice, and am starting to get to know my body better, starting in the shower. I have started a blog about my journey, and will update it regularly for anyone who wants to check it out. I can definitely turn off my phone and try to find things to read. Anyones suggestions are welcome. I never thought of casually touching myself while reading...That will definitely be something to try..The only question is, what if I do cum when casually touching myself? Is that an okay thing in an instance like that? I am definitely going to be doing some research, and may even ask my psychiatrist for a referral to a sexual therapist..Being a rape survivor who has never actually gone through the counseling aspect of healing may be a good idea at this point in my life.

Thank you again.

A

[Solis]

(smiles)

Oh, sweetie. If you find a story so engaging that the slightest stimulation causes you to cum while reading it, but extra copies. Your friends will love you.

Blog well. We'll follow along and help as best we can.

S.

[kwdsslave]

Thank you so much Solis.

[kwdsslave]

lovelyandsad- thank you for the link. I will have to check it out!