Hi everyone. I'm in a period of thinking a lot about my sexual needs and desires, and made this decision recently - to come out as a switch, and to look for a domme who can help bring out that submissive side in me. I've been dominant overwhelmingly in the past, but have had experiences with submission too, and enjoyed it a lot. This thing about sub-space is very powerful, it is a great freedom and a beautiful state. Problem is I guess that I just can't seem to keep it going - I reach a point where the buzz wears off and I may end up getting frustrated or just amused by the demands put on me. (Or if I'm allowed to cum, then I just loose the submissive feeling straight away.) I wonder if I am just too rebellious, opinionated, demanding to really be submissive? But I want to try it properly, as I find myself thinking and fantasising about submission more frequently of late. Do I just need to meet the right person who will know how to control me? Or, thinking like that, am I being too demanding again?

On another point, thinking about switching, I remember back to some of my earliest childhood (pre-adolescent) sexual fantasies. I wonder if other switches, or maybe even perverts more generally, felt/feel things in a similar way?

As I remember it, in these fantasy-scenes it didn't matter so much that I took a given role - submissive or dominant - in what was taking place. What I was doing as I was daydreaming was letting, telling, watching the scene unfold. I didn't have to be inside the scene myself. (Or maybe that makes me another kind of pervert altogether - a voyeur?)

Then actually, as I remember it, the first times I placed myself in a role within the scene, in my imagination, was that I took the part of the female being humiliated and dominated. The scenes were always hetero with the man on top, but I identified most of all with the female victim. This led me to even wonder at one point in my teens whether what I really wanted was to be a transvestite submissive, and I experimented a little with games like that, but found out that wasn't what I was after.

So as I got into actually doing S&M in real life I tended to take the dominant role, which maybe came easiest - e.g., I found most partners that way, and I got to take my pleasure. But could it be that what really matters to me is not my role in the scene but somehow the scene itself, the dynamics of domination and submission, the story, the event? Does that make sense to anyone?