Very good story Slave Debbie! I agree with Polecate...you have some punctuation problems. Reading up on comma use and other punctuation will help with runon sentences, fragment sentences. Commas help with reading and help to set a pace.

Here's one that sticks out for me the most:


Damn I hate these water pills I think to myself as I pop one in my mouth.

The sentence above would read better like this:

"Damn, I hate these water pills," I think to myself, as I pop one into my mouth.

This flows better and get the reader to know you are actually "saying" somethinhg..even if it's to yourself.

Also, sentences that beginning with and introdutory word. Like the one I just typed.

Also
Damn
Hopefully
Just to name a few

One more comma example:

“Little one you are forgiven and I am sorry you have to be punished like this. We both love you very much and want what is best for you.” Master said as he brushed his hand across my tear stained cheeks.

Tell me do you think this sentence above sounds better like you have it written or do you think the one I have written sounds better...Please explain why...

“Little one, you are forgiven." Master said tenderly, as he brushed his hand across my tear stained cheeks. "I am sorry you have to be punished like this. We both love you very much and want what is best for you.”

Some words you need to know don't have an s on....

anyway as opposed to anyways

I'm going to send you onto level two and Aussie girl will send you, your first assignment.

SB