More than one sub...

[Dragon's muse]

It does seem strange, with all the other issues that can be endlessly debated without getting into the snarkiness. Couple A practices safe, sane and consentual: Couple B practices Risk Aware Consentual Kink. They acknowledge they probably should not scene/play together and no one gets upset. Some get off on electrical, others don't -- and no one feels the need to get emotional and "defend" their rights to shock or not to shock.

This one issue, though, seems to arouse so much strong feeling in a loosely knit group that (as Shins pointed out) is normally tolerant and non-judgemental to an extreme.

Just sad, very sad.

Silke, i would love to hear your views.

[fantassy]

I really hope this thread doesn't get shut down. It is a topic that hasn't been addressed since I've been a member. Many people new to BDSM come to the forum hoping to learn about the various kinks. Part of that learning is trying to understand the nuts and bolts and psychology of what makes a kink work for those who enjoy it. Not understanding does not always equate to not accepting. If a kink gives pleasure to the participants and doesn't harm anyone, I fully accept it. However, sometimes I struggle with understanding. The more people generously share their mindsets about their kink, the more understanding I achieve. In stating "these are the problems I perceive with this kink," I am hoping someone will explain, as Silke did, why those problems are not problems for her. So many of us are here to learn and figure out just how BDSM might work for us, a thread like this is really helpful.

fantassy

[Tojo]

First up the next moderator can be d2p I think.

OK, so we all got a little excited- never mind. I'll try & set a good example, forget all that & speak of my own experience, which is what I normally do.

Well I'm married to a straight woman, who I love very much & intend to stay with as long as we're both alive.

If I didn't have a girl online I'd probably be dead inside & unable to care so much for my wife. I may even grow to detest her for causing me to miss a part of my life that means so much.

I have more than one girl I care for online- I also have a D/s relationship with more than one.

First & foremost in my life is lisa- I'm a kind of carer & friend mostly.
I try & keep her living her life in a way that seems right to me. We've been together almost a year now, spending time together each day.

I also have some sort of D/s relationship with Aussiegirl- I had NO intention of starting something with her, apart from friendship. She's helped me find a part of myself I'd lost for a while. She's a truly beautiful person, who means a lot to me.

Then there's Jane- we don't have a D/s relationship, but we sure have something! There's others, but never mind about that...

To define all the relationships I have would be pointless. I know some girls who are the finest, most wonderful people I've ever met. I am truly blessed.

It works- I get different things from each one, I love them all in different ways. It's not for everyone perhaps- I'm sure there's plenty of women who'd be revolted at the thought of sharing. That's fine by me!

So- if it works for me, & works for them, why should I not love more than one?

I don't believe in flogging, caning, public humiliation or a million other things I see every day on this & other forums. So what? If two people want to do something, good for them. Who are we to judge?

Tojo

[Silke]

'k then...here's my story.

I've never been someone who's strictly monogamous, it just happened to turn out this way with the guys I was with. I remember discussions with my friends about this - from a 'nilla perspective of having sex outside of a relationship and such - and all of my friends pretty much agree that if you even have those kind of feelings that you 'have to look for fun outside of your relationship', it's not the perfect match. Everything you're looking for should be provided by one person and you can't love more than one person at the time - it's wrong to even think about this...

Well, this view never appealed to me. Back then, out of different reasons than now. I just never had the feeling that having different partners at the same time was such a big deal, as long as everybody involved was fine with it. Not talking about secret affairs, but about open relationships.

What's been building between Master, my sis and me here is more special than what I had in mind back then. *smiles* When SB and I found out about each other and started talking, we clicked extremely quickly and became friends. It was awesome to be able to share our experiences and feelings...we could relate to each other's worries, joys and the love in both of our lives perfectly - it felt like paradise to me! I loved having her in my life and as I said in an earlier post, if it hadn't been for her, those lonely weeks would have been almost unbearable.

Ever since that time, we've pretty much shared everything...including the domly one in our lives. *grins* We have a ball plotting mischief, we share the fun and the sadness, support each other, flirt a LOT *giggles*, share our fantasies, wreck Master's nerves....lol, ok, strike that last one - I think he's enjoying it. We've become sisters.

I'm sure I'd have more problems with jealousies if I didn't love both of them to bits. How can you be jealous of someone when you're happy for them at the same time? I'm pretty sure that the issue would have come up for me, if I hadn't clicked with my sis in such a wonderful way...then I might have felt the competition some people here mentioned. The way things are now, I feel as if I've gained a LOT and I'm not losing anything. I feel loved and special and secure and blessed by having found two people I just adore and who give me so much...I want to shout it out to everyone, lol.

Do I think I'm missing something? It was mentioned somewhere in this thread that this constellation couldn't work in a D/s relationship...because you don't really commit and don't own the person. Well, I, for one, feel we're committing and I certainly feel owned. More so than I ever dreamed of. Why does love have to be exclusive between two people? I know it can be and that's wonderful for those two involved...but why should that be the only way? What does Master's love for my sis take away from what he and I have? Nothing between him and me has changed, other than that I gained a wonderful sister. I remember him asking me whether I'd mind if he assigned some of my tasks to her and my reply was the same - you're not taking anything away from me, you're giving something to her. I was excited that we could share yet another experience, wanted to see how she deals with this, was curious whether this would be easier or harder than for me...

Lol, I'm more jealous of his work and the people who actually get to live with him while we are so far apart. That's where my jealousy lies and that's what might become a problem at some stage if I don't find a r/l partner who's as open as we obviously are. It's a situation I dread and hope it will never happen.

[Talia]

'k then...here's my story.

We have a ball plotting mischief, we share the fun and the sadness, support each other, flirt a LOT *giggles*, share our fantasies, wreck Master's nerves....lol, ok, strike that last one - I think he's enjoying it. We've become sisters.

ok...that probably wasn't a good idea to admit openly....


Ok..Daddy....she instigated it all...I was a very good little girl...Always Daddy's little girl...

*running off to find duct tape to tie Silke's hands together so she won't let our secrets out*.

[shins]

'k then...here's my story.

...
Ever since that time, we've pretty much shared everything...including the domly one in our lives. *grins* We have a ball plotting mischief, we share the fun and the sadness, support each other, flirt a LOT *giggles*, share our fantasies, wreck Master's nerves....lol, ok, strike that last one - I think he's enjoying it. We've become sisters.

...

I think this is what Q was looking for in his post. It's such a sensitive subject, tempers flaired. Some people felt invaded, were put on the defensive. They are the ones lucky enough to be living this arrangement (IMO), and others that truly don't have a desire for it felt the need to speak out. Thank you Silke and Tojo for sharing the intimacies that we don't necsesarily need to know about. I'm glad you all did, because (I hope) that it will move this thread forward positively. Its not a matter of jealousy, it's about 2,3,4-... however many it takes to make a group of individuals enjoy each other. Occasionally, one might get jealous or one might feel neglected. Thats what a poly relationship deals with. Sexual benefits aside, its FUN. Some of us like to play together, not occasionally but all the time, and I sincerely hope that everyone can understand that. Do we have that truly intimate one on one experience? If we are allowed the time to grow, just as a vanilla or a mono bdsm couple has, possibly so. I honestly can't say for sure, because I'm guiding us into it, but I never want to hurt angel. If she puts the breaks on it out of discomfort, I will listen to her, but so far, she's ready to embrace it as much as me. Some of us need this. It's not about committing to a single person. It's about a few people that have searched all their lives for what makes them whole, and they have finally realized that they can't find it without a couple of partners. For those that can, hell yeah, *tips the hat to you*. Congratulations, you've aquired what most search for, but please, don't pass judgement on the others that find it a different way. I'd spend some time getting into graphic details, but instead, I'll say...I don't have the...um...equipment that keeps angel happy all the time. She has a fondness for... let's just say that I don't have it all...

Thank you Q for the thread that you started. I've learned alot from reading everyone's responses. Sorry I've cheated it and posted without answering your questions. I am trying to get there, but I can't post the answers because I haven't lived through the dynamic yet. *Crosses fingers* perhaps eventually I'll know and be able to respond from experience instead of desire.

[TomOfSweden]

Thanks Silke for helping me to understand. I assumed that there would be rivalry between the women for some reason. Silly me. I never thought of a sceniaro where the two women also fell for one another.

I think it's just me. In the 14 years in the scene I've only found two slaves that developed into relationships that were more than just sex. I think it's only because I find it so hard to find slaves that I didn't understand. In my life a slave has always been a rare and precious gem to be cared for which in my mind so far has meant exclusiveness only for it's scarcity.

Thanks again Silke for broadening my horizons.

[Silke]

Ok..Daddy....she instigated it all...I was a very good little girl...Always Daddy's little girl...

*running off to find duct tape to tie Silke's hands together so she won't let our secrets out*.

*shakes head laughing* I can still talk with my hands tied, sis...blonde moment?

In my life a slave has always been a rare and precious gem to be cared for which in my mind so far has meant exclusiveness only for it's scarcity.

Tom, if I ever wake up to find I don't feel special anymore, this is over. I feel blessed every single day to have found not only one, but two gems who happen to return my love. I agree, this might be rare...

Now, someone wave that magic wand and let us all live happily ever after on an island far, far away...

[fuktoimaso]

Thanks for bringing up these questions, Qmoq.
I have wondered the same things. My Dom and I have talked about a possible addition, I feel it would add to what we have...so its good to hear what others have to say about their own experiences.

I am not the jealous type, I think I would find it easier to talk about what is best for everyone rather than to harbor negative feelings.

I imagine the Dom and sub would need to be very honest with each other before someone new would be introduced as well.

[Talia]

*shakes head laughing* I can still talk with my hands tied, sis...blonde moment?

ok...so I meant type...

[Jadetiger]

Qmoq,
Very intense subject indeed. I have been in this situation myself but since you asked for successfully relationships I don’t have to commit on my experience in being the online sub who finds her master has gotten another sub since it did not work out. Nor the fact that I am dominant in real life and have subs of my own. By the way I recently say a title Dom/switch and I think that pretty much sums me up.

I can comment on some of the questions you asked. First back ground on my subs, both are male, both are bi curious and both are switches. Mike has been with me for 7 months and he was one of the 2 subs I picked from interviews back in February. Ronnie who I also picked was released 4 months ago. Not because of any issues with Mike but with issues regarding us. I never even let them meet. I was never comfortable enough with our relationship to add a third person in the mix. I have since interviewed again and I am currently spending a lot of time with Jeff. Mike and Jeff have both meet and are anxiously awaiting the time when we will all play together. My relationship with Jeff is only 4 weeks old and unfortunately the horny bastards are just going to have to wait until I am ready. ~grins

For the dom, I’d like to know:
1. Why do you think it’s working, when other similar relationships have failed?
I think it will work because they both want it. I actually have a hard time sharing but since they are really craving this kind of relationship it is making my need to experience a secret desire even more tempting. My profile which they both read stated there would be multiple subs and group play. It is a fantasy they also want to come true.

2. If one of your charges complained, what would you do?
That is one of the reasons I am moving so slow in the first place. I want them to interact in a normal social atmosphere before anything sexual or intense happens. It is really more for me than them. I have to feel and see that they truly like each other as people first before I put them in a situation that may make them feel uncomfortable.

3. Why did you take on a second sub?
HMMM honest answer is I don’t want to have to focus my attentions on one person. The truth is I don’t trust myself not to fall in love. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I do, it just means I am not in love with either of them. Now for the rest of the truth. I have always fantasized about group play. Not just with men but with women as well. I am not promiscuous person. I know some of you are laughing because you don’t believe it. ~grins I have only had sex with my subs even though I interviewed over a 100 men and they all spent to night. See I have get self control and really cold water in the shower. So for me to make the fantasy come true I need to have people around me that I love and care for. So it means making a bdsm family of my own.

Will you think me greedy if I told you I just posted for a real time female sub as well. ~chuckles

4. Do you think either sub might not be totally truthful about having a rival for their affections, because they are worried that they might be the one who is dropped (or equally, because they like the other sub and don’t want to see them hurt)? This includes their response to this thread.

Everything you said is a possibility but it then reflects back on the relationship in general which does not even involve bdsm. Yes I have those fears. I would never drop a sub for not wanting to play with another sub and my subs know they can tell me what and how they feel. But I do fear that maybe they or my self will find out that group play was better as a fantasy. I am sure we will handle it like adults. If it is me that finds group play unappealing then the boys can play together. If one of them fines out they don’t like it then they won’t have too.

5. How would you respond to an ultimatum? Most good doms on this site aren’t the “my way or the highway” kind of chap.
HMMM well the way I look at it they both knew upfront I would have multiple subs. If one gave me an ultimatum then he is free to leave. I don’t force my subs and I don’t let my subs force me either. I have to say it would hurt. I really am very picky about who I let into my life. I become very attached to people and losing them hurts.

6. Do you ever feel as though you can’t spend enough time with each sub? If so, can you clarify question three?
I feel that way all the time but my work takes a huge amount of my time. Both subs know and accept this. I am very blessed in that way.

Hugs, Kisses and Gropes Sweet Q,
Jade

[caligirl{Rob}]

Giggles...oh all these thought provoking questions I have found lately, amazing when you read the forums **smiles**

Would you be more content if you were the only sub, or are you really happier being in a three-way relationship? If so, why?

I would definitely be content as the only sub. I would be more than happy to explore the addition of additional sub were it something Sir wanted, but would think that if it were beyond a "scene" basis I would find it terribly difficult to share Sir. Until Sir A_D I would have hard time explaining feeling the commitment and attachment with an o/l relationship. I am all about pleasing him, but it would be difficult to see how I would feel if he wanted another full-time sub


2. When you have no contact with your dom for a while, do you get jealous? Do you think he is concentrating on the other sub?

No, we have been upfront with one another and I felt complete trust or would not have taken his collar. I am honest with him and he allows me tremendous freedom as long as I am respectful of his position.

3. Would you ever consider issuing an ultimatum (“If I can’t be the only one, it has to end.”)?

Hmmmm an ultimatum??? I don't know if I would put it that way, but I would be honest with him, and if the other sub was someone that brought him great joy and pleasure and was what he needed I would ask to be released, as my submissiveness brings me great pleasure, and not sure I would see it the same way being part of a pair of subs...

4. What did you feel when the second (or third etc) sub was brought into the relationship? Or, if you were the second, how did you feel about the first sub?

On a scene basis I would be fine, as a permanent addition to our relationship I would feel hurt I think. It is hard to say though, if it was something that Sir handled in a way that he has handled the rest of our relationship I would at least be considerate of the idea, I would also be honest with him on how I felt

**smiles** perhaps I have danced around as well!
Hugs and licks!
cali

[buzzy]

As Jade's new sub, one of two, I personally don't have an issue with being one of two. I've met the other and we seem to have gotten along well, for the short time over dinner. Mistress Jade takes care in making me feel very special and I'm sure she treats the other the same. I entered this relationship knowing, I would be part of a poly family. Now, there might be those who don't want or can't handle this type of relationship. So don't go there. For those of us you can and enjoy, it can be very rewarding. It is a personal decision to made by each of us. As in all relationships, honest communication is vital. take care to all

[orchidsoul]

Hiya all,

I just wanted to say how enlightening I find this thread. I've always sort of had the same questions as Q regarding poly relationships. Perhaps I'm a cynic because of my own self awareness (being a scorpio is great in the passion department, but not so hot in the sharing department!)

I've never been able to bring a third into a relationship I've been involved in (for the reasons stated above), but have been involved in *ahem* fun scenarios with more than one person... just no one was my boyfriend, per se.

It's really great to hear how the dynamic works for those of you involved in successful poly relationships. To some degree I'm envious because I can very well see how fun and fulfilling, to all, more than one partner can be, and as I myself have discovered the joys, but never able to share with someone I love.

To reiterate a quote from before, if it works, it works. Communication and honesty are clearly essential in a poly relationship, as in any, but perhaps more so here to avoid any of the potential human responses to sharing. I think it also essential to be aware and know your own limits. Many of us have said it wouldn't work for us because we don't like to share full time, so we don't partake in a poly relationship. And that works for us.

Kudos to all of the succesful relationships... poly and monogamous alike.