I have tried several times since this was first posted to answer this. The emotions and knowledge within just weren’t willing to come out of my heart. I submit because it is a part of who I am. A friend of mine recently described how he felt about love, saying, “my heart almost felt like it was bursting with longing.” That’s how I feel about my submission. The longing and need within grows so strong that if I don’t it feels as though my heart is breaking, only I can’t figure out why. That is my drive. I keep yearning and continuing forward to fulfill that longing. It’s also the reward. To feel completely fulfilled, not only as a submissive but as me. I have known for so many years that something was missing. A child of 11 cannot grasp what submission is. She’s still learning who she is. At 24 she’s still learning. I first suspected submissiveness after seeing something on tv. It gave how I was feeling a name. From there it was only a matter of time before I got the internet and was able to realize that I was not alone in my feelings.

Being submissive is only part of who I am, but still a very big part. It’s always there lingering beneath the surface. I confess that I do not feel comfortable in many leadership roles for fear of stepping out of place. Yet in life I am in several. I am learning and growing from those roles, I make my mistakes and then realize that just because I am in a leadership role, it does not mean that I have to ignore my other side. There is always someone with a higher position in life that while being a leader, I know I am serving them by doing my job in the position. (and lord I pray that that makes some bit of sense) For me, the trigger is knowing and believing that I can be submissive while being a leader.

I wish the world was more open. Someday I pray it will be. Looking back at all of the periods in the past 100 years, even 50 we have gone through, is amazing. Tolerance among the masses of “other religions, skin color, sex, homosexuality, etc” has increased so much. If we raise our children to be open to others, then we will set their lives up for a more open and caring future.

No matter if I am in a relationship, as a submissive or as me, I am always still going to be a submissive. It doesn’t change or affect who I am. What is affected is how I feel. Neither of the relationships I am in currently are 100% fulfilling. That just goes to show me that I have not truly found my soul mate yet, or that either those men I am in a relationship with, are not at the point in their own journeys to be the soul mate that I need and require.

For now I learn, and grow. As I know more about myself and learn to express and open up, I'll find the place that satisfies the submission and the other longings within my heart.