I have always considered myself to be a strong woman. Fiercely independent. Never had to rely on anyone.

I moved out on my own while still in high school, working full time at night to support myself while attending class during the day.

I moved half way accross the country on my own to go to university, and then almost the entire way in the other direction for my job...again by myself. I had never even been to the city I am living in now until I got off the plane, bags in hand. I started work the next day.

I have met some great people where I live, and am involved in several activities that I love. But all of my close friends and family continue to live in other time zones.

Today at lunch with some co-workers we were discussing the lack of initiative being displayed by one of the girls in our office. "She is just so young.." one of them said. I pointed out that the girl is the same age as me. "Yeah, but you are old," she replied.

Over the last several months as I have begun to fully explore my submission for the first time I learned to rely on someone else. It took some time to for that trust to solidify but it eventually did. Even though I always considered myself entirely self-sufficient, the fact that I was being tasked with things such as "go get the oil changed in your car," was evidence to the contrary. I needed someone to look out for me too.

Now that I find myself back on my own again, I find myself turning towards that fiercely independent girl, but she isn't there anymore. At least no longer in her previous form. And that is what I continue to struggle with.

I have often heard people saying that D/s is like a drug. And now, I believe them.

Out of everything that has happened, this is the hardest part. It is like I changed without even realizing it, and need to be re-introduced to myself. I am no longer able to handle things the way I once did.

I know that this is just a period of transition, and I will soon have my feet back underneath me once again. But for now...boy, is it hard.


-lily