Severusmax,

Well done. You've gotten into both of their heads, took us along for the ride, and created dialog that's very true to the characters as they've been created and presented.

This chapter serves multiple purposes.
It lets them confess their fantasies,
helps them understand each other,
sets some ground rules,
and provides a nice turning point for further exploration.

Congratulations!

If you were to do an editing refresh, (it's up to you and not an assignment) I would suggest adding a bit more action to break up the dialog. The actions can be minor, things like - he touched her cheek, she looked him in the eyes, he took a bit of food - whatever. Just enough to keep them on track, but let us know what's going on physically.

This chapter takes place at lunch, yet I don't know what they are eating, where they are, etc. Those little details will help your readers stay with the characters and satisfy their curiousity.

Also, one puncution nit. When using the word "too" at the end of a sentence, use a comma.

"I want to come, too."
"I feel that way, too."

Please answer the following questions:

What do you like about this chapter?

Dislike?

Did you have a hard or easy time writing it?

Why?

Is is a chapter you would keep in your longer story or ditch in the long run?

Why?

Your next assignments:

Please visit Maddie's thread and review her most recent story - third assignment.

Please take a look at the story contest for the next few months: http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6855

Pick one month and draft a story for that contest. Start a new thread in this level called "Story Contest work by Severusmax" and post the theme and your draft.

Hopefully your fellow students will provide feedback for your second draft. You'll post that and any other versions in the same thread and when you're ready, enter the contest. Before you enter, I'd like to see at least one and one update of the same story.

Congratulations on this fine bit of writing!
Looking forward to seeing what you come up with for the contest,

Ruby