Thank you Alex, very good feedback -- and yes, my punctuation can be a bit quirky on first drafts because it's closer to how I think than how people speak.

Great to hear the points I can expand on...I do let a lot of those sneak by, and it was great to hear those suggestions. I felt a bit cramped trying to fit in more description, and you pointed out some good opportunities!

As far as the speaking from me v. characters, yeah, I can see that to a point; I do need to rework it to at least begin to personify the headmistress (who will have a small part in the beginning).

I will defend the "were" -- subjunctive pattern, rare but quirky. May be a case of needing common english rather than proper though, will have to ponder this a bit.

Thanks again for all the comments, I really appreciate your taking the time!