Aesop's Tips For Beginners

[Aesop]

First of all let me say that these are only my thoughts/opinions etc...and by no means do I think everyone should start this way or agree with everything I say.

Okay so you read a story or had an earth shattering cum when your lover held you down or you saw Secretary and decided you need to find out what that means for you.

The first thing you need to know is that BDSM is whatever you need it to be. Barring safety concerns, there is no right or wrong way to practice BDSM. Your level of involvement doesn't matter either. A lot of people-especially in the online community-will toss around words like poser and wannabe if you aren't chained night and day or live your life in a cage or if you actually let your submissive give you advice or decide where you are going to dinner. It's crap. If the only part of BDSM you enjoy is a little bondage and light domination then so be it. If you enjoy having a belly full of piss while locked in a rubber suit so be it. I've said this before: BDSM isn't some class to be passed. It's for your enjoyment.

Since you're reading this you've discovered at least a small part of the online BDSM community. The online community differs from the real life community in a few key ways, but the biggest is the annonymity of the people involved. This is both good and bad. The good part is that we can be free to be ourselves without worrying that grandma is going to find out. The bad part is that you have to be very careful about involving yourself with someone. I have another thread here that talks about the safety of online relationships. I suggest that if you're new you should read it and the two other thread that were linked. There is some real scum out there and you need to be aware of that before you try anything.

If you have dominant leanings a good idea is to find an experienced dominant and pester his/her ass with questions until you're satisfied. Being dominant isn't all about getting what you want-at least not all the time , it's about guiding and giving of yourself so that both parties are happy with the situation. Another good idea is to find an experienced submissive who is willing to teach you. One problem a lot of new doms have is confidence. "I want you to kneel right now. Is that okay?" isn't that odd when a new dom is trying on his/her new role. An experienced submissive might be able to help you get through that part. Remember that your submissive wants to be dominated. Give your sub a safeword and explain that it can be used when he/she doesn't feel comfortable doing things. This will help you not worry so much about the submissive doing something he/she doesn't want to do. Take it slow and remember to have fun.

If you have submissive leanings it's a good idea to talk to other submissives and find out everything you can. It's been my experience that submissives in general are a very supportive group and will do thier best to help out a newbie. If you can find a dominant who is willing to teach you and maybe take you through some basic BDSM without trying to get in your pants. When you do find a dominant partner remember to express yourself. If you don't like something say it up front. If you have a safeword, don't be afraid - or too stubborn - to use it. Doms aren't mind readers and they need your imput so you can both have a good time.

I'll have more later.

[Aesop]

Some terms. These aren't my definitions. I borrowed them.

24/7 (BDSM): A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Animal transformation fantasy: Fantasy in which the focus is on the sub entering the altered mindspace of a different species, typically a dog, pony or horse.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to subdrop as these return to more everyday levels.

Age play: Usually referring to Daddy/daughter or Mommy/baby role play. Does not usually include or imply aspects of incest, but rather the nurturing relationship of Parent/child or Teacher/student.

Anal torture: The BDSM practice of inflicting pain on the anus.

Animal Play: The sub acts or dresses like an animal (puppy, pony, cow, etc.).

Auctioned off: Dom/me auctions off the Slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism

Bottom: submissive or one who gives up control, or simply one who receives physical sensation from a Top in a scene.

Breath Control: The Dom controls the sub's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, only shaped slightly differently. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate.

Chastity: a form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

CBT: Cock and ball torture

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned (usually in a loving intimate relationship)

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dom, of a sub's service. Also the

Ceremony when a Dom commits to a sub (much like a wedding).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, or subject to a safe word or other restrictions, and commonsense, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the Dom/me & sub. It can be either formal or non, and is usually written after much negotiation by the Dom/me and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two . It is NOT legally binding but should be taken seriously.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who volunteers to supervise the interactions between participants at a play party to ensure their safety.

Dom: Man who takes control (from Dominant)

Dominant (dom/domme) (also dominatrix)

Domme: Female who takes control (contraction of dominatrix)

D/s: Domination/submission

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space

Edgeplay: SM play involving blood, permanent marking, knives, or fire, sometimes with a greater risk of danger.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub. But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that subdrop does not occur afterwards as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. Also see tease and denial and chastity.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object.

Fire play: Using flammable liquids to create quick, fleeting instances of flame on the skin of the bottom. Risk of injury is increased and the Top should be learned with fire play skills.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals

Good pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) of consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Good pain" is therefore pain that is mutually agreed, desired or permitted by the submissive partner to be experienced, and seen by them as of enjoyment or value.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A BDSM sub-genre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do, usually non-negotiable.

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more Dom/mes.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with impact such as whips and riding crops.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role playing.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone "won't" do or is hesitant to do

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: Person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important. Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a vanilla place. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's"

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Newbie: Someone new to BDSM.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Paraphilia

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in Scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money)

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money)

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Puppy Play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is almost never sexual, but rather focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup.

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink

Rape fantasy: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, Sane and Consensual - SSC

Safeword - When a participant utters a safeword, BDSM activity stops.

Scat play: Feces play

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities.

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flaggillation and edgeplay.

Session: A time period of BDSM activities with a ProDom/me.

Slave: Person who gives up a great degree of control in an ongoing D/s relationship, sometimes with few remaining limits. Often those who identify as "slave" have a great desire for being of service to their dominant, sometimes referred to as "service-oriented submission."

Slave Position: Also called The Pleasure Position. Sub is kneeling, legs spread, head down and hands on thighs, with palms up

Soft Limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity.

Subdrop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

submissive, or "sub" for short. Person that gives up control either all the time or only during a scene

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub gets during a scene or when being controlled.

switch: Someone who likes being both Dominant and submissive, either in one scene or on different occasions.

[Aesop]

A few more.

Tease and denial: keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. Also see orgasm denial.

Top: Dominant person either all the time or only during a scene.

Topping from the bottom: A submissive who nonetheless wants to direct the top.Training: Either referring to a short period of time (a scene) or an ongoing effort of the Dom/me teaching the sub how to act. Can either be a playful thing or a serious thing, depending on the couple.

Vanilla: Someone who is not in the lifestyle. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Wannabe: Someone who thinks or claims to be knowledgeable about BDSM, but is not. Especially prevalent with new Doms.

WIITWD: What it is that we do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The Dom/me drips hot wax on the sub.

[Aesop]

Great. Now what the hell does that mean exactly? Well to me being a dominant is a lot like being a father. My submissives mean the world to me and I try my best to treat each like the precious jewel she is. I sometimes spoil them, sometimes offer them guidance, and sometimes I have to discipline them. Unlike children however, my submissives actually want that discipline.

Now to specifics. As a new dom the best thing you can do with your potential submissive is talk. Talk, talk, talk. Get to know her/him. Find out not just what she/he likes shoved up her/his ass, but what she/he likes for dinner. Find out if you're compatible as friends before you find out if you both have a fondness for golden showers. It's been my experience that no matter how compatible you are in a BDSM sense, it won't hold the relationship together if you aren't compatible as friends.

If you do find that you are compatible as friends then you can move on to the BDSM stuff. Here's where those ever-popular lists come into play. They are a good reference tool but after you've had your sub fill out the list, try not to refer to it obviously while you play. It's too impersonal. "Yes I see you like ass play and choking. Good. We'll start with the choking and move on to..." See what I mean? Refer to the list in private before the scene if you need to. The best thing to do is to read the thing and get a general feel for it. Find out the absolute no-no's and the absolute yes-yes's and keep the rest in the back of your brain for reference. Now that you know his/her limits and have your power you also now have...

...Responsibility. You're now in charge. Yep it's all on you. Every decision is made final by your word and yours alone. Feel the pressure yet? You should. Your submissive is placing a world of trust in you and you have to come through for her/him every time. It's mostly a fun thing or we wouldn't do it, but if she bursts into tears after a scene or if he starts to shake after you finally let him cum you better be there to provide comfort. Real comfort too. Not the "I hope she quits soon because I want to watch the game." kind of comfort. She/he was there with you body and soul for the scene and you need to be there body and soul for the aftercare.

Confidence, confidence, confidence. One of the biggest complaints I hear is roughly this, "I love my guy, and he tries, but I find myself topping from the bottom too much." Remember that you've had discussions, lists, and probably positive results from controlling your sub. So do it. Control her/him when it's time for fun. Don't confuse confidence with arrogance, but take the control that's been offered to you. Remove phrases like, "Is this okay?" and "If it's all right with you..." from your vocabulary because the answer is yes. Yes it's okay and yes it's all right; you know that from what you've talked about before. So go to it and have fun.

More later.

[Warbaby1943]

Aesop just found this thread and think it is great. When joining this forum, maybe we all should be directed to it especially, if like me, we claim to be new to all this BDSM stuff.

I did take note of the following, the word Paraphilia was there but the definition which was missing. Maybe it was on purpose. If so, just delete this post.

My search came up with this definition.
Paraphilia -
Any of a group of psychosexual disorders characterized by sexual fantasies, feelings, or activities involving a nonhuman object, a nonconsenting partner such as a child, or pain or humiliation of oneself or one's partner. Also called sexual deviation.

[Putnamcocpl]

Aesop, I really think this should be a "sticky" post at the top of the forum.

The wealth of information should be right at the top for any and all newbies to read, and even some who arent new should give it a once over.

Thank You for taking time to put this together.

B

[Silke]

Yup, I agree, Putnamcocpl, and made it stick! Thanks for the suggestion!

[Aesop]

Thanks folks. Looks like I should add to this some more soon....

[cariad]

Yes please Aesop - stick this - would be sooo useful to refer newbies to.

cariad

[Warbaby1943]

Aesop,

Glad it's stuck. It took me quite a while to find it. Now I believe it will be easier for others.

Again, good thread.

[nastywolf]

Thx Aesop

[Tojo]

Nice one Aesop.

Tojo

[MrDom]

yes good work Aesop i knew you were the man


mrDom

[Curious George]

Yes please Aesop - stick this - would be sooo useful to refer newbies to.

cariad

As a newbie I can say "Yes indeed, this was most useful"

May I suggest adding abbreviations to the glossary? For instance I've noticed in various posts a number of occurences of R/L, after some thought I decided it must mean "real life", but for a while I was a quite puzzled

[animanota]

very informative and very well written. I took me a while to find the info covered here on my own and just reading this instills some confidence in me.

Good Job!!!

[Aussiegirl1]

Have to agree with everyone Aesop. A great job and very informative reading!

Aussiegirl

[Aesop]

As a newbie I can say "Yes indeed, this was most useful"

May I suggest adding abbreviations to the glossary? For instance I've noticed in various posts a number of occurences of R/L, after some thought I decided it must mean "real life", but for a while I was a quite puzzled

I hope to add to this soon. Some quick abbreviations:

R/L - Real life
O/L - Online
D/S - Domination and Submission
BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
SSC - Safe, Sane and Consensual
RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink

[Ruby]

Yes, please, add more soon and often. ;-)

Thanks for a very wonderful thread.

[shins]

Wow, thanks Aesop. My new sub and I have been 'flying by the seat of our pants' for the past 6 weeks, and I am pleasantly suprised to find that, overall, our progression has been almost 'textbook' with your guide. You have pointed out some things that i wasn't aware of, and hopefully I can proceed without stepping into those pitfalls and dragging my lovely sub down with me, lol. I look forward to your additional thoughts, and thanks again.

[linch]

very usefull for newbies and fresh Doms (as me),
should be neccesary reading for all new to BDSM congratulations Aeosop

[Timberwolf]

As a newcomer to this forum, I must say seeing this paragraph:

"The first thing you need to know is that BDSM is whatever you need it to be. Barring safety concerns, there is no right or wrong way to practice BDSM. Your level of involvement doesn't matter either. A lot of people-especially in the online community-will toss around words like poser and wannabe if you aren't chained night and day or live your life in a cage or if you actually let your submissive give you advice or decide where you are going to dinner. It's crap. If the only part of BDSM you enjoy is a little bondage and light domination then so be it. If you enjoy having a belly full of piss while locked in a rubber suit so be it. I've said this before: BDSM isn't some class to be passed. It's for your enjoyment."

was very much a relief. You piddle around online enough and you start to think if maybe you're the strange one for feeling this way.

Great thread. For that matter, the entire knowledge base section of the forum is great.

- Timberwolf

[YourThrone]

Wonderful job with this thread, extremely informative reading.

[meredith^]

A wonderfull thread. Really helpfull for my newbie mistress skills, even though I am a rather experienced submissive.

[Krynn]

Thanks Aesop ,alot of good info for a newbie like me.

[Smoke's-Slut]

Thank you Aesop, this is very good. I have heard a lot of the terms but there were many that were new to me. This is a well written and informative. Thank you again.

[RickBulow74]

I know this is an old thread and nobody else had posted here in over a month, but after reading the thread, I must commend Aesop on having the wherewithal to come up with it.

I also have an abbreviation of my own which I found out while researching the topic in 1996. YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink)

[fuktoimaso]

Aesop:

Thanks for taking the time!

[rora]

i just found Your article and i really enjoyed it. i am an on line submissive and always will be. i am in a vanilla relationship. You might call me a newbie or wannabe. But hey, *smiling* i am honest about it. i am intrigued by the Lifestyle.

Most of the things You talked about, i have read about, or been told about.

One thing though..."The good part is that we can be free to be ourselves without worrying that grandma is going to find out." *admits i swiped that right out of Your article and pasted it* There ARE some of us grandmas that wouldn't bat an eyelash if they found out. *grins*

Thank You again for the very informative article. i really appreciated it.

[Aesop]

Thanks folks. I do keep meaning to come back to this thread. Someday....


Well yeah rora, but would your grand kid really want to know that?

[cariad]

These are a few other sources of information which members have recommended, in no particular order...

www.castlerealm.com
www.albanypowerexchange.com
www.steel-door.com
www.submissiveloving.com
www.submissivewomenspeak.net

and the following books...

Different Loving
Screw the Roses send me the thorns.

cariad