I like this. At first, I though there was something wrong with the scansion. Then I read it aloud and let it work and, lo and behold, I GOT IT! . . . very very effective. A very sophisticated use of line breaks and rythm to evoke an unusual emotion. It made me uncomfortable to read because I had to consiously make the rythm work . . . and that feeling of discomfort worked with the words to creation a feeling of tension, almost the exact tension that the writer was talking about I think.