I went through something similar but it wasn't with bdsm, it was with religion and what I thought I was supposed to be doing and natural instincts to do other wise. Eventually I gave in and am much happier now with my current belief system.... I think its had to fight your natural urges. I guess my question for you is what makes you want to fight them so vehemently rather than explore them. If you are not religious, why do you feel it is wrong for you to explore these things. obviously its hard to read toned and such from a post on line, but you sound like you want to be above physical need, like you want to be a sexual and not need sex or gratification or dark lustful thoughts, thats atleast how i read hte post based on some of your wording and such... i could be totally wrong... but its part of human nature and not something easy to deny....

As far as learning that I liked bdsm. I also have had interest in it since i was very young. My early sexual fantasys were all about being captured, tortured, expiramented on, forced to do things, forced to be parts of rituals, and so on. I never looked at having the strange fantasies as being bad or wrong, and it wasn't until i was much older that I realiezed they were variations of bdsm scenarios. It wasn't until recently that I even thought about making them part of my sex life.

My husband and Master is one of the kindest people I know. he is caring and sweet adn has alot of respect for women. He was hesitant at first because bdsm is so opposite of everythign he had been taught adn believed about how you should treat a woman, but there is a difference when you are doing those things for real to opress and hurt some one and whne it is a mutually agreed upon thing that has rules and limits its like playing cops a robbers when youa re little its pertend. You aren't really being mean and opresive adn evil. if anything you are giving the other person freedom to express desire adn wants that they couldn't otherwise, because of societal norms... enjoying bdsm doesn't make some one less moral or evil, it just makes them more of who they are...

anyways... I don't know if any of the helped or made sense or what, so feel free to ask for clarifiacation or what not...