Hi everyone, I'm pretty new around these forums and after skulking around for the last little while I wanted to say a big hello and share a thought or question or two...

Let's start with who I am: I'm happily married to a fantastic guy and we have one beautiful daughter. My husband is 99% straight-laced and I love him for that. Every once in a while he'll get a little bit aggressive, and once or twice I've gotten him to tie my wrists, but he's vanilla and I'm ok with it.

And then there's me. I have never had the opportunity to really play with anything resembling BDSM (other than creepy offers from yucky online 'Doms').
Since I've been a little kid playing cops and robbers I've loved the though of being tied up and blindfolded/gagged. I can remember when I was no more than 8 or 9 experiencing for the first time some pleasant stirrings during a game of kidnapped with my best friend...yummy! But I've never been able to really do anything about my fantasies so that's all they've remained.
I know that actual physical experience isn't what makes someone a submissive, but I don't know if that's what I should really consider myself. I have a strong personality. I am a natural leader in group situations, and I like being responsible for projects. I am NOT someone who is socially submissive in any way. I might be shy around new poeple until I get a good 'feel' for them, but after that everything is normal. But then there's the bedroom...sex...masturbation...that's when I get submissive. I want him to tie me down and use me! I want him to make it hurt as much as he makes me purr! I want to be helpless and at his mercy! But only when we're intimate. Any other time and my personality comes through and I won't be bossed around. (Bad ex-boyfriend issues I think)
Because of these 2 different moods that I've got, I sometimes have a hard time with thoughts of BDSM. Since I'm usually on my own when my fantasies/wants are able to come to the surface I want to participate in the Academy, or chatting with a friend or two online. But that doesn't seem to do it. "Stand in the corner with a panty gag and share your thoughts and feelings..." I can't do it. It doesn't happen for me. At least not when I'm on my own - and that's the only way I'll be able to do it.
But I want it! Sexual submission gives me such a rush, a high...an orgasm!

I'm totally rambling and not really sure if I'm making any sense, but I felt like I needed to share my thoughts, and this would be the best place to do it. Thanks for listening,
Chill