In recent discussions with a new and oh-so-intriguing person in my life, I had the following epiphany, and thought I would take the time to share.

We were digging deep on my need for control. To be controlled and guided, that is. That which is completely devoid of the "kinky good time" and just the day-to-day life that draws us into a D/s relationship.

What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.

I got average grades, held down a part time job, and never hung out with the "bad crowd." So I was allowed to come and go as I pleased, and was rarely (if ever) followed up on. I was left to just do my own thing.

Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.

So that is now (at least a part of) the reason why I seek a D/s relationship. I ache for the safety and security I never had, knowing that someone is always there to look out for me, love me, and push me when I need to be pushed. Someone who includes assisting me in my growth and exploration among their primary foci. And hopefully together, I can acheive what I always believed myself to be capable of, but unable to do on my own.

This isn't meant to be a sob story about my childhood - I have faced my share of challenges, but it wasn't "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. This was just quite a breakthrough and I thought I would share to see if anyone else has had a similiar experience.

Thoughts??

-lily