Humiliation vs. Degradation

[Barton]

I think that the dominant must know the sub fairly well before doing this. For a stranger to do so would be more than impolite. It could very well be abusive.

Barton.

[slavelucy]

For a stranger to do so would be more than impolite. It could very well be abusive.

Oh, i don't agree Barton; i meant that people in chat rooms who go around doing the sort of things to which Pandora refers...which is rude, impolite, disrespectful and just absolutely stupid...but to call it abuse gives both it and those people too much credence. If someone kept doing it to a partner with whom they shared a lot of their life, then yes, that would verge on abuse, but then i guess they wouldn't be strangers either.

sl

[Pandora's Box]

Let me see if I can clarify my thoughts a little bit. Or at least my opinions.

Firstly, I do have a sensitive spot for humiliation. It's got a few levels to it. One, the word itself. Humiliation isn't one of those nice words like bondage. Also, I do have my own personal issues because of some extended humiliation I suffered at the hands of others.

Lastly, and this is where actually most of my true beef comes from. In my experiences, most dominants that I have met don't really understand it nor how it should be used. Perhaps it is because I am sensitive to it, but I've seen far far too many examples of dominants using it to elevate themselves above the sub and/or put a submissive down.

And not just in chatrooms with the "construction sight cat calls" (and I do love that term by the way. LOL)

I understand what Lucy and TG are talking about. Things like "my precious little slut" etc are fine. Hell, they can even be heartwarming and increase that feeling of belonging. Which is a nice thing. In fact, it can be a very nice thing.

But because of my history and the way that I've seen the methods of humiliation be abused, it makes me leery of it.

[woodsman'sgame]

I guess it is easier for us who are not 24/7 submissives to take humiliation play and/or language. When we are not in our Ds roles, Woodsman treats me as an equal. He tells me I am beautiful and makes me feel like he really loves me, so when we play and he calls me a slut and a whore, I know it is not really what he believes. It seems to me that even a 24/7 submissive needs to hear often from her Master that she is loved and appreciated and that he thinks her sexy and attractive. (or a male sub from a mistress or master)

For us humiliation play is calling me names, making me speak in ways that I would never speak in public, or simply embarrassing play. All those personal social and physical things that I am so uptight about around others he wants me to put aside for him so that I am truly his and I give him all of me. But you are right in that it must happen gradually. It might even take 31 years.

[SirW]

Also, I do have my own personal issues because of some extended humiliation I suffered at the hands of others.

Things like "my precious little slut" etc are fine. Hell, they can even be heartwarming and increase that feeling of belonging. Which is a nice thing. In fact, it can be a very nice thing.

But because of my history and the way that I've seen the methods of humiliation be abused, it makes me leery of it.

I understanbd where you are PandorasBox. My current submissive was in a very abusive relationship before me, and He used words to berate, humiliate and abuse her. When we first started I asked about using certain words, and she asked I not use "cocksucking slut/whore", becuase her past partner had use this to degradate her. I kept my word and only much later when we had established a deep trust did I ask her about using it. Now she loves me using those words because she knows they are used with love and to make her pleasure more intense.

So humiliation is only effective when trust has been established and always through strong two way communication.


SirW

[MrJerseyGuy]

I think that the dominant must know the sub fairly well before doing this. For a stranger to do so would be more than impolite. It could very well be abusive.
Barton.

I agree with the first statement. The thread interests me because my partner and I actually had a discussion about it. When playing I often call her a bitch...little tramp etc. But the words slut, cunt and whore are off limits. By discussing it openly I found that she is highly sensitive to those words because of a past marriage. I don't think I need to go into detail.

As far as using ANY of these terms with someone I don't know...whether online or in real life...I think that's just plain rude.