Thanks for answering my questions... thanks a ton. There's just this problem though. I think by BDSM standards, some would think I'm sick. Flat out ill mentally. I was going back in my head to the time I was cuffed and cried... even to the fucked up experience that traumatized me from bondage. All the stuff- the most horrific things I've experienced. I'm begging to view things in a more and more masochistic way... These things are starting to excite me. I want to delve so far into my masochism that I'm screaming in pain, doubled over and crying, not giving consent. I want to experience the deepest depths of degradation, and I want to wallow in shit. I kind of lied, okay? I am turned on by female rape: Even if she's obese and smells like shit and i shit my pants from the pain or get sent to the hospital and nearly die. I know I wouldn't want it then, but the thoughts of how id feel afterwards are starting to interest me: It'd be the blackest, bleakest, most fucked up sense of vulnerability and self loathing. That time I freaked out from being cuffed, I realized I WAS experiencing sub drop: And thinking back, I like it. I want it again.

SHADOWFOX, I know how insensative i sound. I AM sorry about what happened to you... it's just that the crappier i feel the more comfortable i am. I just want to be brutally raped, and i know this is an appalling opinion, but i was just wondering if it's happened so i could fantasized about it. i feel wrong for that, and i don't feel very normal at all.