Ruby, thank you for, as always, offering insightful and sensitve advice.

db, your posts always make me think, and I've been thinking about this one for a few days. I've come to the conclusion that I have nothing in particular to offer except sympathy. I don't have any special knowledge of rape, regardless of the gender configuration.

I feel for you when you say some people would think you're sick. Some people would indeed think that, but I assure you that there is always someone sicker. Especially when it comes to pure fantasy (that is, ideas that might be portrayed in stories or images, but would never be acted upon), some people seem to get a thrill simply from diving as deep as they can, from trying to think up the most horrific tortures imaginable. Whether they imagine doing these things or having them done doesn't really matter--they seem to like the super-extreme, maybe a bit like people who enjoy horror movies.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if you truly relish the idea of being raped, you shouldn't feel bad about your fantasies.

Based on other things you've written, I think you're at a point where you're sorting out fantasies from things you actually want to happen. You don't have to know right off the bat. Sometimes you have to try something and find out you don't really like it. It's okay if you don't yet know where to draw the line. (I don't always know where to draw the line, myself. Sometimes something sounds great, but it turns out it hurts way too much or is otherwise not right for me or my partner.)

I don't know if I've added much to this, but I just wanted to reiterate that you're not the first person to fantasize about being raped, and it doesn't mean you're sick. I hope that you give yourself a lot of space to explore *all* of your fantasies, either in your own head or with a partner. I also hope that you proceed carefully when you do find a partner. I haven't known anyone to end up in the hospital, but I have known people to get turned off to BDSM because of a careless or poorly matched partner. Or by jumping in too fast, and getting in too deep before they were ready.