raped for being sub?

[Driveslikeagirl]

Well, I know this has been said elsewhere plenty of times, but I'll repeat it here:

We as a society LOVE to "blame the victim" of any crime or unfortunate circumstance. By rationalizing to ourselves that bad things happen to people because they either asked for it, or somehow deserved it, gives us the illusion of control. After all (the false reasoning goes), if the victim somehow asked for it or deserved it, then all WE have to do to protect ourselves from something awful happening to US, is to simply not "ask for it".

It is much more psychologically comforting for people to blame the victim, than to admit that they are just as vulnerable to becoming a victim themselves.

But how pathetic is it to find a person like your acquaintance, who would rather further victimize a crime victim with such hurtful words and accusatory behavior, than admit that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves. Well, lucky them. Inevitably, it will happen to them as well (such is life), and that should put a cork in their ignorant piehole.

Until then, ignore such people, or at least see them for the unfortunate and misguided souls that they are; they have such limited life experience that they can't even muster up an ounce of compassion for a sexual assault victim.

[Pandora's Box]

Myri, you didn't "ask for it". "Asking for it" doesn't include trying to stop him. Just because you were unsuccessful stopping him doesn't mean you were "asking for it" nor that you wanted it. It is not too uncommon for a person who is being violated to cease struggling if it is doing no good. Many times the thought process is along the lines of "if I struggle, they'll hurt me more or I'll get hurt more".

For years in fact, common instructions for women in the event of being raped was to cease struggling so as to decrease the chance of being killed. Now, of course, that teaching has shifted. Especially with the advent and proliferation of AIDS.

But all of that is besides the point. What it comes down to is that you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it. And if anyone says you did... well, simply put, they're wrong and deserve to be publicly ridiculed in the stocks while people throw rotten tomatoes at them.

[slavelucy]

We as a society LOVE to "blame the victim" of any crime or unfortunate circumstance. By rationalizing to ourselves that bad things happen to people because they either asked for it, or somehow deserved it, gives us the illusion of control. After all (the false reasoning goes), if the victim somehow asked for it or deserved it, then all WE have to do to protect ourselves from something awful happening to US, is to simply not "ask for it".

It is much more psychologically comforting for people to blame the victim, than to admit that they are just as vulnerable to becoming a victim themselves.

This is such an interesting and thought provoking post, and one to which i have given some thought since you posted it. Whilst i think you have a point about society loving blaming victims in order to lull themselves into some false sense of security (although i had never thought of it as clearly as that)..i believe it does so in an acknowledged less than perfect world. This is to say that i would like to think that no human being would ever blame someone who had suffered an assault…but what they rather mean or are referring to is a duty of care/responsibility to our own selves in an infinitely nasty world. It’s like these fools who say that if women dress provocatively and flirt with people, that they were ‘asking’ to be raped..this is clearly complete and utter nonsense, no one asks to be raped, if they did, then they’re not raped (and if they didn’t consent to it, then they were raped)…i rather think what they mean though is that they were a ‘target’. Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing short of a disgrace that people who have no respect for others and who don’t feel a flicker of guilt about violating their human rights, essentially dictate how we behave, but sadly, they do. Equally, it is nonsensical and cruel to suggest myri in ANY way ‘asked’ to be assaulted upon asking for someone, in a BDSM chat room, to go to the cinema with her and then, in all innocence, telling him where she lived; but i really do tend to think they are referring, albeit in a clumsy, highly inappropriate way, to a horrible duty of care with which we have been lumbered.

But how pathetic is it to find a person like your acquaintance, who would rather further victimize a crime victim with such hurtful words and accusatory behavior, than admit that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves.

Unfortunately, i have suffered (I hate the word ‘victim’) such an ‘unfortunate event’, so i don’t speak with absolutely no understanding of the subject. i believe i could have avoided the situation. i do not mean this in some strange ‘i blame myself’ manner, and it annoys the shit out of me that i should even have to modify anything about myself, for fear that someone ‘gets the wrong idea’, he would still likely have done it at some point..just not to me, and not at that time…and basically, that’s the best we can hope for.

i do not want this post to be taken in any way to mean i personally hold myri responsible; hell, i DON’T, she (you!) are not to blame, no one who suffers such an attack is. i am merely trying to draw a distinction between people being cruel enough to ‘blame’ someone in an effort to have a cosy view of the world..and people essentially facing the gritty reality.

Oh, also, anyone who even so much as implies that not fighting back means you ‘asked’ for it..is talking complete crap, plain and simple, be you a submissive or not, it’s nonsense.

Love and hugs to you myri.

sl

[myri_SN]

huggles back, slavelucy

[Mobius]

First of all Rape is wrong. Period, There is no discusion. However in this forum and I asume in others there has been discusions about rape as a fantasy. I beleive there was a thread "my demon rape" I think that was the title. Of course the author was not indorsing rape. I dont like these and did not for the most part participate in those discusions. I think it sends a mixxed msg.
For a Weak and Twisted mind it can be confusing. That is not an exscuse for his actions.

I think you should still go to the police for at least battery if not Rape. I think you should press charges. I know in the states there are laws to protect the victim. it does not always work. but they are there.

[myri_SN]

Mobius wrote: I think you should still go to the police for at least battery if not Rape. I think you should press charges. I know in the states there are laws to protect the victim. it does not always work. but they are there.

1. it was 14 months ago
2. i live in the uk
3. i cam here as student, just finished studies, back then was still a student, btu now staying here for good

[Driveslikeagirl]

I agree with everything you said, Slavelucy. There are some situations that are less safe than others. For example, there is a statistic out there somewhere (which I'm too lazy to look up before my first cup of coffee) that says that a female's risk of being sexually assaulted increases exponentially after she has an alcoholic beverage. And I'm sure I could dig up a statistic about how a female's risk of sex assault is much higher after dark. But I'm not going to stay inside after dark for the rest of my life. And I'm damn sure not going to stop drinking! It's just that, with age and wisdom, I've learned not to go to fraternity houses to get uproariously drunk like I did in my first years of college.

Besides the above frat example (which was just being stupidly naiive on my part, a glaringly obvious example of a bad judgment call), there are many shades of gray when it comes to what was an unavoidable circumstance, and what (in hindsight) a crime victim may say, "Well, I should have avoided that kind of situation," even though they entered a situation in "good faith".

A fine line between avoiding certain situations that may be unsafe, yet still living your life, meeting new people, and trusting new friends. And the bottom line is, no matter how careful you are, unless you lock yourself in the house, bad things can still happen to anyone.

I also agree with hating the word "victim". I believe Gary Zukav said once that to allow yourself to be thought of as a victim is to allow all of your power to be taken away from you. And "survivor" adds an undercurrent of heroism that, at least for me, I feel is wholly undeserved on my part. I lived through a smattering of "unfortunate circumstances" like we all have to do eventually. For example, I don't consider myself a domestic violence victim OR survivor. It's just something that happened that ended up making me a better person (more understanding to others in similar circumstances, blah blah). Just my own preferences on the use of "victim" and "survivor"; I'm not saying that someone who disagrees is wrong at all. But in my post, I used "victim" just to get my thoughts across without having to over explain myself.

ANYWAY, enough of my tangent. I think M is very brave to share her story as a warning to others. I know that more than a few others will agree with my opinion that it was so scummy of her acquaintance to react to that difficult and personal recount by being so accusatory about it.

[allalone46]

thouse that victomise (rape) women almost always use the excuse that thay askked for it. I have hured it. in a prevouse job. It didlt hold water than and still doesn't. And the most insalting thing of it all is than when a person that has been rapped does come forword and reports it thay are taken though a different form of rape by the diffence attorny in cort.In Colarado there was or is a rape trail going on right know, and you can see what can and has happend. Thay put the victom on trial. The laws there are made so as to not do that but some times it doesn't work out that way. There is no set way. It happens. I know that is a lame excuse and I don't like excusess but unfortionatly I can't give you a reason. What happened to you shood never happen to anyone, but it did, and it does. You did move on and yes that is a excuse also, but it is real. And some times reallity stinks. I wish I could say it will get better but I am not going to lie to you. All I can say is that is a pain you will get use to, but never go away. If anyone of your friend herecould tak it away I believe anyone of use would. But we can't. And that stinks to.

[jaeangel]

I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves. Well, lucky them. Inevitably, it will happen to them as well (such is life), and that should put a cork in their ignorant piehole.

One doesn't necessarily have to have been in a similar situation themselves in order to sympathize. Whatever they said, ignore them. You didn't ask for it, and I don't see that you had any way to avoid having it happen. Sometimes stuff happens, and there simply isn't an escape from it. Just be glad you made it out alive.
And oh, you have my utmost respect. After my unfortunate incident occurred, I didn't even tell the doctors at the hospital exactly what happened; I didn't tell anyone until I got married to my huband and I had to explain why I hate being touched or tickled behind the knees. And he still doesn't know who 'the guy' is. I couldn't tell anyone...I repect you for having the courage to speak of it. My hat's off to you!