Ever feel like you're just not in the mood to be a sub?

[wolfs_lilgirl]

only when im a lil sick

[tessa]

I've been having a sort of dilemma with this. Is it really submission, if you only submit when you feel like it? What sort of real power would a dom have, if the sub could break rules, or act up, and get away with it due to 'not feeling subbie'? Could there be exceptions for certain circumstances? What circumstances?

I'm really interested in how others work this out.

Hi phantasy_seeker. I am so glad you asked this. After too many years of living my submission only in my fantasies, to realize it face-to-face has brought up aspects I never could have imagined on my own. I mean, being submissive in one's own fantasies is a hell of a lot different than dealing with an actual living, breathing Dominant. Imagine my shock when I felt it was time to wrap up the scene and a very real voice whipsered in my ear, "we aren't done yet." Can we say "not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy"??

So at that moment, I was clearly aware of submitting to another human's will...when maybe my mind and body were saying "ok, that's probably enough". And it was tough. Mentally, I was exploring places that were, quite honestly, freaking me out. My fantasies might have been about submission but I was still in control, seeing as they were MY fantasies. This very real Dominant was asking for more...and more and more from me. And physically, I was exhausted. So it was decision time...submit or not. If I didn't have the connection I have with Him, the answer would most assuredly have been "not". But I wanted to submit to Him...needed to is more appropriate. So in that way, I suppose I gave Him His power and He took from me what He needed. In return, I got to visit subspace-land. No fantasy I've ever had was good enough to get me to that place.

To address the other aspect of your question, submission, in my limited opinion, is in your heart, mind and soul. You choose to allow Another to have that from You. We are human, so life can come at us and dim the feeling. For example, I had a surgery. Physically, I was not able. Did I want to try? Sure, but common sense said otherwise. Not being a real fan of common sense, I tried anyway. I'll just say it wasn't so pleasant an experience. I did learn something about myself, so it wasn't a total loss, but I had to ask that the physical be put on hold until I was better. Mentally, that put a damper on my subbie self. My Dominant recognized this. He was respectful of it all. But most importantly, He didn't stop being my Dominant and I didn't stop being His submissive. It was just life in the way for a bit.

Is it really submission if you only submit when you feel like it? That's a question only that particular submissive can answer for her/himself. What sort of power does a Dom have if the sub acts up? As my Dominant says to me, "a Dominant is only as powerful as His pet's submissiveness." So both parties need to wonder, why is the sub acting up? Is the sub dissatisfied with the Dominant? Does she/he want the Dom to be more forceful? Less forceful? Just simply go away? Again, more questions, but self-introspection may be the key here. That and honest, open communication between Dom and sub.

Whether that helped you out at all, I have not a clue. But oh, it did my struggling mind some good. My warmest thanks to you for bringing it up.

Most sincerely-
tessa

[Talia]

I've had times when i just didn't want to submit. One time, it really angered me to submit...

Maybe I should explain.....

Over Christmas, i didn't have much money to get Master much of anything, anything at all in fact. I wanted to get him something...anything...I did have cash on me, but I was traveling and I didn't want to use my cash, just in case I would need it for something. I called Master to ask him if I could charge a purchase to my checking account. His first response was why would I need the money. I didn't want to tell him it was because I was getting him a Christmas present so I tried again on explaining there was something I wanted to get and would like to write a check. He knew I had cash on me. He also knew I had money in my account. He insisted to know what I had that I needed more money than what I had on me...although i didn't tell him what I was getting him, I did tell him it was his Christmas present. He told me no, I couldn't get any money from account, and that he didn't need anything. But I insisted. He insisted as well, his response, "you know how I feel about this." I did purchase the gift...but not by using my checking account. I used the cash I had on me.

One..part of me was like...this is MY account and I'll purchase the gift. I really struggled with that for a couple of days...

[Guest 91108]

I think a good Dom / Domme would know when you truly felt bad or sick and would know whether to push the issue or not..
But then, I'm not the typical Dom am I ??
Grins.

[I1985]

No your a lucky.....

But I do agree with you Wolf. It would be best if it is so, that a Dom knows/feels if it's time to back of for a moment, at the least.

[Cage]

Leave it to a self-proclaimed dom to butt in and state the obvious, but I just wanted to point out that not every D/S relationship need be a 24/7 deal with a 98%/2% sharing of the power. Things like slave contracts, collaring ceremonies, household chore assignments and whatnot are sort of standards that evolve in communities like this. They give a common vocabulary for everyone to use in discussions and allow for creating things like traditions and rites within the community. But not every relationship within the community needs to make use of all of those things. Not every D/S relationship needs to actively incorporate the D/S elements all day, every day. Not every distribution of power needs to get down to the level where one person always controls the money, always decides what to watch on TV and always gets the comfortable seat. If that's the sort of arrangement that is most healthy, enjoyable, and rewarding to you and the other person/s in the relationship, then by all means, go for it. But the transition from "vanilla" to "24/7 slavery" is not a cliff that you have to jump off. Those are just 2 ends of a spectrum, with an near-infinite number of tiny steps in between. It's up to every person to decide where the sweet spot is for them on that spectrum, and then presumably try to find one or more other people who want to hang out in that sweet spot with them. And also note that the sweet spot can change over time.

A D/S relationship is not really an alternative to a "normal" romantic relationship. It's just a very specific type of one. Some things are made easier by introducing a D/S structure. Some things are made more complicated -- like the question of "what happens when I'm not in the mood"? But all of the wisdom and best practices that can be used to build and maintain a good vanilla relationship apply to a good D/S relationship, too.

I had a very longtime girlfriend who 75% of the time wanted nothing more than to be my thrall. There is almost nothing I could have asked of her that she would not do. But the other 25% of the time, she wanted to interrupt the Red Sox game on TV to talk about the state of our relationship or might try to start an argument because I wasn't paying enough attention to her -- or any of the other silly things that you see on sitcoms about what it's like to be married. It worked out well because, truth be told, I hate balancing my own checkbook -- I sure as hell didn't want to end up in a relationship where I had to manage the finances for both of us and field daily questions from her like "Can I take out $100 to buy this pair of boots I just found?" A 24/7, 98%/2% D/S relationship would have stifled her and burned me out.

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day.

As far as the original question goes, I'd say it depends mainly on why you submit and what you get out of it, as well as why you don't feel like submitting at the moment. If you don't feel like submitting because you're feeling particularly powerful due to a success at work or elsewhere in life and don't want to give up that feeling just yet, then I'd be inclined to say "Let's go have a vanilla dinner to celebrate and then maybe try some of that 'normal' sex when we get home. I'll even let you get on top." If you don't feel like submitting because you feel completely overwhelmed, unworthy, unattractive, or the like, then maybe a firm hand pushing you through that is exactly what you need.



Yeah, so my name is Cage and I'm a long-winded son of a bitch. I'd been on the road to recovery, but I apparently just fell off the wagon. Back to Step 1...

[Mishka]

Thank you cage. I was looking around for some advice to a silent question without creating a thread about it. You answered it.

(edit...I took something completely out of context)

[TomOfSweden]

I've had a number of slaves over the years and they all function differently. One slave was super-submissive but had a moment now and again, (like once every couple of months) where she just wanted to be alone. One slave came out of wanting to be a sub easily if I did something she didn't like. My slave now is 24/7 and has been now for the couple of months we've seen each other so I think its permanent.

The point is that you are you. Don't worry about it. Just do what feels right for you. Always. Do not spend a minute thinking about what's normal in the scene. That will just grow you an ulcer and is pointless.

[cariad]

Wonderfully said Cage. *applaudes*

Yeah, so my name is Cage and I'm a long-winded son of a bitch. I'd been on the road to recovery, but I apparently just fell off the wagon. Back to Step 1...

On the basis of that post, I cannot wish you success in your efforts to become less long winded.

cariad

[babykat]

Wow. Cage's long-winded post was really helpful. For me - especially this:

But the transition from "vanilla" to "24/7 slavery" is not a cliff that you have to jump off. Those are just 2 ends of a spectrum, with an near-infinite number of tiny steps in between. It's up to every person to decide where the sweet spot is for them on that spectrum, and then presumably try to find one or more other people who want to hang out in that sweet spot with them. And also note that the sweet spot can change over time.

Thanks for butting in.

babyk...

[elyse]

But the transition from "vanilla" to "24/7 slavery" is not a cliff that you have to jump off. Those are just 2 ends of a spectrum, with an near-infinite number of tiny steps in between. It's up to every person to decide where the sweet spot is for them on that spectrum, and then presumably try to find one or more other people who want to hang out in that sweet spot with them. And also note that the sweet spot can change over time.

thank you. thank you. thank you. this is *exactly* my philosophy, that The Life is a spectrum, and that every single point along that spectrum is EQUALLY VALID for the people who find their balance and bliss there.

~elyse

[tessa]

Cage

A D/S relationship is not really an alternative to a "normal" romantic relationship. It's just a very specific type of one. Some things are made easier by introducing a D/S structure. Some things are made more complicated -- like the question of "what happens when I'm not in the mood"? But all of the wisdom and best practices that can be used to build and maintain a good vanilla relationship apply to a good D/S relationship, too.

From a couple who is just starting to try and figure this out, thank you for putting these particular words out there.

Yeah, so my name is Cage and I'm a long-winded son of a bitch.

My thanks to you for this as well.

All the best-
tessa

[Cage]

Glad my experience and long-windedness could help some folks feel a little bit better. I love hearing myself type, so feel free to hit me up if you'd like to see more of my opinions.

[cariad]

Glad my experience and long-windedness could help some folks feel a little bit better. I love hearing myself type, so feel free to hit me up if you'd like to see more of my opinions.

I for one also love hearing you type Cage. More please!!!

cariad

[STONE'sSLUT]

Lots of good points & advice! IMO, I look at being a submissive as something that should be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically challenging – at least when we’re doing it “right.” So, when other parts of my life require vast amounts of these energies, it can become difficult to fully commit to specific activities. Sometimes, this can lead to pushing my limits to the next level, but there are times I cannot be pushed any more. I don’t think that changes my being a submissive or changes the nature of my needs & desires, but, if you are anything like me, I don’t like half-assing something so profound & important to me. A move is a huge change in your life & you inevitably have your energies focused on all that entails. So, my advice: don’t be so hard on yourself; focus on the challenges you are facing right now, one at a time; &, perhaps, try looking at “shifting into sub mode” as a source of release after the stresses of daily life rather than a challenging goal that must be achieved. No use feeding the vicious cycle of adding more stress to your life regarding something that should be ultimately pleasurable, IMO. Good luck!

Hugs & Spankins
Stone’s Slut

[leggysub]

i feel the same way, sometimes i feel i can really let go and enjoy it, i love everything about being a sub, then there are days when it feels like a chore, and it depresses me, but then my master looks at me and i remember why i am sub in the first place, wouldn't change him or me for the world

[Jensen036]

I am usually submissive by nature and it usually excites me. At times I did wish that I was not a submissive. It usually occurs after my master has been too rough with me. During those times when I can barely move from the pain, I wish I was anything but a sub.

[His_blizzard]

This week I have been with Master and it has been wonderful, but definitely NOT one of my better summissive periods. I find I have been argumentative and crabby. I seem to debate everything that he says, always wanting to "win" the discussion. I have been resenting having to comply with some of my simpliest sub behaviors such as asking to use the bathroom or the PC or to eat something from the kitchen. I believe I may have actually pouted, God help me. I hate the thought of being a pouting sub. My pain threshold sucks. There has been very little BDSM play, probably because Master is getting these "don't hurt me today" vibes. We are only together every three months and I really hate it that I can't be in full blown submissive mode for the brief times we share. Sigh...........................
I am glad that this thread was here today. It made me face what was going on inside of me. I know what I need to do now, and that is to discuss my feelings with Master. I have found that in the past that when I get these feelings and he arranges a good long session with the paddle and quirt, et al, that I am often calmed and more even tempered after.
Thanks for letting me vent, "Peace" ~blizz~

[KoTe]

I`ve been in such a mood once or twice. So my owner covers me up in TLC, while I snug within his embrace and everything is purrrfect after that.

[midi]

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day.

Thanks Cage for this. I remember back to discovering this whole realm and how confusing it could all be sometimes, especially from a submissive standpoint. It took a long time to sort out all the definitions of what this lifestyle is and how I could define it for myself and what it was that I wanted and needed in my life....and how much etc. etc. etc. Reading your words then would have helped me so much, and I thank you for putting them out there for those who can use them now