OK, newest epiphany.....

I have always been viewed as a control freak. I hate chaos.... detest uncertainty. I take risks, but they are well calculated, and I much prefer to know the outcome before I get started. I research everything.

In my academic and professional lives, I have often been the leader, the one taking charge. But upon further thought I have realized that the source of motivation for this is not my desire to be in control, it's that I hate the chaos and confussion so much that I will step up if I have to.

I much prefer the control to exist from an influence that is not myself. I can lead... but if given the choice I prefer to follow. However.... I will only follow someone I consider to be "worthy" of my loyalty. If I think I can do a job better, I will. If things start to go sideways, I will take over.

I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist, and preferably be strong enough that my instinct to take over doesn't kick in.

So this is one of the reasons why I submit. And it is one of the reasons I can only submit to confident, dominant men.

And this has been another episode of Deep Thoughts by lily. Hope you enjoyed.