Why Do We Submit??

[Tae'lyn]

Lily,

Sometimes when you post it seems as though it is me writing the words.

I can understand also being in southern Alberta probably hasn't helped things all that much. And given we both have that in common too, I can see where you are coming from.

Tae'lyn

[lily27]

Tae'lyn,

That is very sweet, thank you. It is always helpful to learn that we are not the only ones having these feelings.

And don't get me started on Southern Alberta....I have a love/hate relationship with this area.

-lily

[Dhys shadow]

why do I submit?.....wow.why not ask a eazy question , like why is the sky blue............grins
I submit because of the lack of control...to willingly turn my self over to another person.....mind you.I don't do this with everyone.....just a select few....my Mistress being one of them.....I must feel a trust in them...and then I will do as they wish...

Dhys shadow

[Flaming_Redhead]

Could it be that you are, in fact, my goody-two-shoes twin? *giggles* When you choose to lean on someone and come to rely on him, it becomes very difficult to stand on your own, yet not impossible. Down here, you'd be considered a steel magnolia. *smiles*

[lily27]

red, you are definitely the first person around here to refer to me as "goody two shoes." LOL

Maybe only compared to you!!

*hugs*

[Havensov]

How utterly fascinating. So many different reasons for the same outcome. But i also see allot of simularities... Again, fascinating.

[lily27]

In recent discussions with a new and oh-so-intriguing person in my life, I had the following epiphany, and thought I would take the time to share.

We were digging deep on my need for control. To be controlled and guided, that is. That which is completely devoid of the "kinky good time" and just the day-to-day life that draws us into a D/s relationship.

What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.

I got average grades, held down a part time job, and never hung out with the "bad crowd." So I was allowed to come and go as I pleased, and was rarely (if ever) followed up on. I was left to just do my own thing.

Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.

So that is now (at least a part of) the reason why I seek a D/s relationship. I ache for the safety and security I never had, knowing that someone is always there to look out for me, love me, and push me when I need to be pushed. Someone who includes assisting me in my growth and exploration among their primary foci. And hopefully together, I can acheive what I always believed myself to be capable of, but unable to do on my own.

This isn't meant to be a sob story about my childhood - I have faced my share of challenges, but it wasn't "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. This was just quite a breakthrough and I thought I would share to see if anyone else has had a similiar experience.

Thoughts??

-lily

[nowgirl]

Lily - you had written this a few months ago:

Submission quiets my soul.

and for me - this is quite true. Although I've had submissive desires for a long time - those were more the Story of O fantasies. Now, being more involved in a D/s relationship, I realize the submissive side of me is sort of the yang to my yin... the quiet inner balance to my chaotic, always on the go outer life. I think this relates to what you say about the "day to day" D/s. It's not always about the kink. For me, it's about letting my submissive self make me a more thoughtful, caring, peaceful girl.

When I am in complete "sub mode" there is but one thought, one focus. To please Him. All of the other worries, and concerns, and quandries float away. The millions of other day-to-day events and details immediately become inconsequential. I live for only one thing. Two little words.

"Good girl."

That is the release, the drive, and the reward, all wrapped together. Safety and security is found in the knowledge that He looks after me, never lets me fall, and assists me in becoming a better person. When I feel pulled in all directions due to outside distractions, He reins me back in, and causes me to once again re-focus on the goal. Pleasing Him.

It sounds like we had a similar upbringing. I've been lucky to have both parents who loved me and - as you said Lily - had everything I've needed. I've had a fairly positive, uneventful but enjoyable time leading up to now.

For me, I don't think it was a lack of discipline in my childhood that has put me on this path to seek discipline and submission now. Instead, I feel such a strong pull toward acheiving that quiet balance. To achieving - maybe grace? - through pleasing... through submitting...

I found the following at another site... I wish I could attribute it to the right author... It has helped me put my submission in to some perspective.

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.

Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.

In re-reading this, I'm not sure I added anything to your question! It sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching in this new year... I hope this new person in your life helps you find what you are seeking.

[lily27]

Wow, nowgirl, that is excellent. I love that quote, and have already re-read it several times.

I agree with what you had to say about grace. One of my goals is definitely to become graceful in my submission.

Thoughts and opinions are always welcome. This isn't so much about questions and answers, as it is about learning and growing.

-lily

[I1985]

Lily27, nowgirl, and all the others thank you both for sharing.

I really try to learn whatever I can, including the reasons why. And although very personal offcourse, it sheds some light on the reasons to submit. Most of them I read before, when they were just posted. Today I read them again. And understand much more of it, then I already did then. What strikes me the most is, although everybody is different, a lot of the same reasons come up. Or at least similarities.

I find the human mind fasinating. About the most complex thing in existance. And in the case of a sub possibly even more complex then regularly.

For as long as I can remember I always try to find things out. To suck in all information I can, about just about everything. But offcourse in special the things I'm interested in.

That same urge brought me here to the forums, a half year ago. I've read a lot since then. And the threads like these that I value the most. Things I could not really discover on my own, simply because I don't have it. But you all do, and share it with the rest of us. To learn for yourself, as well as to share your (new found) knowledge with the unknowing.

This, or a similiar response could find it's place in many threads. But I choose this one carefully. As I learnt something from it what has facinated me for quite some time....

...I thank you all

[jaylia]

(i'm new here so forgive me if i'm steeping on any toes)

What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.

Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.

Wow, icould have written much of your post myself, except that i had a rather strict early childhood but after their divorce that changed. My Dad had been to the one to set and really enforce the rules, but we lived with Mom after the divorce and i think she was scared i would choose to go live my Dad if she tried to get tough. As far as my Dad went, well who wants to be the bad guy when you only see your kids a few weeks a year.

Anyways your post has given me much food for thought. I also realize that my own submission is part of who i was at birth, although it's also very much wrapped up in my ability to trust. i have trust issues so reaching that level of trust with me isn't easy. Before the divorce i was very much Daddy's little girl and he was the last person in the world i wanted to displease. so in looking back i realize some of it is a part of who i always was. Maybe events in my life have caused the exxageration of that personality trait, but the trait has always been there.

As for the why, but because it feels right and good. Because i feel more at peace living this way. Because knowing that there are rules and boundaries makes me feel secure. Because hearing that "good girl" fills a need within me. Becuase His happiness is my happiness.

i hope this makes sense as these are thoughts that i am still trying to sort my self.

jaylia

p.s. nowgirl, that is an awesome quote.

[Nomological]

A very interesting read from everyone. It is interesting from a Dominants perspective what is common amongst many, seems to differ ever so slightly.

I have studied psychology for a number of years, both in University and on my own, and find the psychology behind BDSM to be completely fascinating. In fact, much of my draw to the lifestyle was that it was a simple extension of whom I was as a person in my professional life, and my personal but non-sexual life.

While I appreciate and enjoy the sexual aspects of BDSM, the non-sexual holds a very different dynamic in that it is mostly psychological stimulation that attracts me to submissives.

Sorry if my post seems like hijacking your thread lily, I did not intend to do that in sharing my thoughts.

SKOTC.

[lily27]

OK, newest epiphany.....

I have always been viewed as a control freak. I hate chaos.... detest uncertainty. I take risks, but they are well calculated, and I much prefer to know the outcome before I get started. I research everything.

In my academic and professional lives, I have often been the leader, the one taking charge. But upon further thought I have realized that the source of motivation for this is not my desire to be in control, it's that I hate the chaos and confussion so much that I will step up if I have to.

I much prefer the control to exist from an influence that is not myself. I can lead... but if given the choice I prefer to follow. However.... I will only follow someone I consider to be "worthy" of my loyalty. If I think I can do a job better, I will. If things start to go sideways, I will take over.

I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist, and preferably be strong enough that my instinct to take over doesn't kick in.

So this is one of the reasons why I submit. And it is one of the reasons I can only submit to confident, dominant men.

And this has been another episode of Deep Thoughts by lily. Hope you enjoyed.

[Timberwolf]

^^^^^

Of all your deep thoughts we've had the chance to talk about, I thought this was one of the better ones.

"I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist"

This is, plain and simple, a very big thought. It sums it up so well.

[Zanado]

Thanks Lily for posting this to begin with and I'd like to thank everyone else that contributed here. Self exploration is a long and ever changing journey, but one that I enjoy. It's the "why's" and the little differences that make us all "tick" that intrigue me, and the similarities that comfort me.

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

I am submissive, something I have came to terms with, and it’s as much a part of me as my eye color. Why? I honestly have been digging for this answer for as long as I could put a name to it. I have many theories, but have not settled on any as of yet. I do know that it is a deep rooted desire and need to have that connection that leads to my submission and have it accepted.

I find many rewards in my submission. I gain peace, inner knowledge, greater intimacy, confidence, guidance, strength, escape, pleasure, and nothing more important then the ability to please the one that has given me all these.

That being said it does not mean that submit to just anyone. I have found for me it is almost an inspired reaction of my subconscious to a deep connection with another. In fact I have only felt the desire to submit to four men in my life, two of which had no idea what to do with the reins once handed them. The first man whom I truly submitted to leads me to the next question.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

I ran face first into it. Back in my younger and much wilder days, I was a naive 19 year old. I was introduced to a friend of a girl I had known most of life. I became immediately attracted to him and everything about him. Almost embarrassed to admit now, but I did everything in my power to seduce him. He warned me that I didn't know what I was getting myself into but after scolding me for how crass I was being, he gave in. I think back on it and that first night still seems so intense. I would think he was almost trying to scare me off if the next morning he had not said "next time your in need of a good spanking just asks." That was the beginning of a very gratifying two and half year D/s relationship in which he lead me to discover my submission, and put a name to a trait I already possessed.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I related very closely to what lily had to say on this subject.
In my vanilla life I present both traits. I tend to be a bit bossy at times but only when I see that things are not being done correctly (according to my younger sister for one), I am a strong opinionated woman, and in groups I usually end up in some form of leadership role. Though now that I look at that, I do not strive for those positions, but more end up there when others do not step up. I am also a giver, peace keeper, and like to please, but not to the extent of doormat. I'm a listener and quite often find myself being asked advice. I think that is because I have pretty good ability to look at all sides of situations.

Sub mode is always in effect in relation to my Dom, but I do feel different levels of it between daily conversation and play for instance.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

I have tried to bury it, tried to ignore it, to smother that part of me, dismiss it as something I would surely grow out of... all to no avail. Finally, I think I have accepted it. Though I do admit I still question my sanity. What I would change leads to the next question...

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

I'm married, and like so many I've read about here I'm in a very vanilla relationship for the most part. My husband is aware of my kinks and my past to a point. He has even from time to time indulged me with a watered down version of kinky sex. I have tried to explain to him and even linked him to information in the past about D/s. He does not comprehend it, and has no desire to go any further than we previously have. Not too long ago I forced myself to accept that I could not change him and should not want to. He isn't "wired" as a dominate, even if he presents certain dominate traits. So I find solace in places such as here, knowing that at least I'm not alone.

[Jensen036]

Here are my answers to your questions. I hope that this helps.

1. I submit because I derive pleasure from pleasing others. I am better at following orders than giving them. Also the reward at the end is usually worth it. The praise, love, and care that is given to the submissive is worth it to me.

2. I was introduced to bdsm by my boyfriend. He was always the more dominant one and apparently had been into bdsm for years. One night at a restaurant he showed me an example of this hobby of his and I have enjoyed it ever since. There were some bumps along the way. At times he confused abuse with bdsm.

3. My bdsm lifestyle and regular lifestyle clash from time to time. My sub trigger is usually the way my master caresses me and then calls to me in a certain voice. It arouses and excites me and makes me wish to be his sub.

4. Sometimes I think I should find better masters. The ones I find tend to enjoy inflicting pain a little to much. I am a submissive, not a punching bag.

5. I left one master because he was much too violent.