In my opinion, issues of interpersonal communication,especially on isses of sexuality and emotions, are some of the most difficult to resolve. Unfortunately, a lot of men are not at all comfortable discussing this sort of thing and will avoid it at all costs. Many tend to get defensive and realy physically uncomfortable when confronted with questions or discussions like this.

I don't have a lot of advice other than to try some alternative forms of communication. Good old snail mail can work sometimes. If he actively uses Messenger or YIM, perhaps the two of you could use this medium to try to deal with these issues. SOmetimes the anonymity and the distance of this form of communication can make it easier for him to open up and freely discuss what is on his mind.

There are other issues that affect bringing a non-bdsm partner into the scene. Remember, that most men have been conditioned from childhood that good men don't hit women, harm women, degrade women, etc. THis is some pretty ingrained and deep conditioning that has gone on for years and to expect him to happily and easily pickup a cane and hit you goes against all that conditioning as much as he may wish to make it happen.