Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse

[mythicat]

I'm going to take that as a huge compliment. Watch out, though! Everyone appears sane when you first meet them.

Not everyone...

Of course, my own sanity having oft been brought into question, my assessment of anyone else's could be WAY off!

[AndrewBlack]

I agree with Pandora's Box, there is not much to be gained by the older psychological approaches of asking 'why am I this way?' and analysing your past ad nauseam, we're all the way we are because of what's happened to us. I can only speak from personnal experience here and frankly I think most psychotherapies are of very little use for any 'deviant sexual tendencies' . I have not suffered previous experiences on the level that you have. Again, like Pandora's Box says, it's more important to know who you are now and what you need and want. If you crave something and it dosen't lead to any harm ( to you or anyone else ), have it, and if it satisfies you then great. I used to spend time wondering if things I did, or wanted to do, were 'wrong' or wanted them because there was something 'wrong' with me. Since I abandoned seeking a cause for the way I am and considered that other people may well accept me for it ( I don't have any major antisocial tendencies I don't think ) I've had a fucking great time. I spent/wasted a lot of my early adulthood, reading a lot of books, I've studied psychology and psychiatry and none of it helped me, it just made me feel I had a disease.

From the point of view of your terrible personnal experience, it sounds horrendous, but you sound like you've really moved on a long way.

I would ask you; Where are you at now? Are you really 'exploiting' your boyfriend do you treat him badly? What does he get out of it? Do you feel satisfied with it and does he and if not, what is unsatisfying ? If it turns you on, why do you think it's bad? Do you actually want to 'get rid of it' ( I assume you are talking about BDSM in your life here ) ?