The content in here is really close to my mind and heart, but I am kind of using this as a way to tell Master without breaking down to Him on the phone. I'd rather forward this to Him and let Him read it and decide what to do in regards to this. I am open for suggestions or PM's from P/people here if they wish to offer their thoughts, or simply you are more than welcome to respond to this thread here. And if you do not want to respond, that is perfectly fine also lol.

With that said...I believe I know the reason why I have bad subspace experiences when coming down. Well I am not 100% sure but it kind of makes sense to me.

I am thinking it is due to an experience that I had in my life when I was a little younger. The same feeling I have when coming down, is the same feeling I had when I was attacked coming home from work. When I was attacked, I felt as if I had left my body, I was not associating with what was physically happening to me.

When I hit subspace, I jolt, something within me seems to float away, to not be a part of my surroundings. I cannot hear or feel anything, (usually Master has to be really attentive to snap me out of it) but it feels so good and floaty....when I hear Him and I get back to my surroundings...I tremble and feel so afraid, even thought it was Master with me all along.

I don't mind getting to subspace, it is unintentional and sometimes happens in our play together, it is the coming down that I am afraid of...now moreso than before because I know the underlying issue why I feel so bad.

Today I made that association, because not thinking of anything in particular, my mind drifted to the past, and I felt that same feeling that recently felt during coming down from subspace last night. I don't know if it is linked or not...but angel needs help somehow..I don't know how to fix this...maybe I need to see a shrink LOL...where's delia's Help thread when I need it......

Seriously I do not know what to do about this...if there are any threads here that can point me in the right direction please let me know, or if anyone wishes to contact me over this please PM me and we can arrange something.

I am so ashamed of myself...of even bringing this up here, I just need some advice...maybe.

with love,

angel xx