Quote Originally Posted by Ruby View Post
Hey DB,

It may sound simple, but for things to change, sometimes we've got to change.

If you found a domme that made you happy,
would you let yourself be happy with her
or would you rather be happy being miserable?

Yup, I wrote it, "happy being miserable".
Just like there are those who are happy being angry,
or sad or any other emotion.

There have been a few rare moments in my life,
when I've been down that "I'm so depressed I should
just end it all" road. But who really knows?
This could be a one ticket, ride it all you can ride,
and I'd like to make that ride the most fun and
enjoyable that I can.

You have to do what works best for you.

As Ben Franklin said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

I learned along time ago that happiness comes from inside, not the outside. It's a choice. All of our emotions are a choice, though some may be from an unconscious choice. Everything else is a reason or excuse to justify that choice.

You've joined the forum, met a bunch of folks who are happy and have asked very insightful questions.

I'm sure there are many lurkers who feel the same way or who have felt the same as you. It's hard to admit those feelings when it can be so politically incorrect.

ARE THERE ANY dark, sad, hateful, miserable, judgemental, black wearing, angry but in the end decent people in the BDSM community?

Of course, there are. Now will they admit it?
Hmmmmmmm

Ruby


PS

A double pat on the head for opening up a topic that comes from your heart with a hug and a squeeze for telling the truth about your age.
aww, you're sweet... and full of great advice. *Kisses your feet* Your pats on the head feel like morphine

I hope I do find that domme- Maybe I could be happy then. I've only had one BDSM experience EVER though. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, because I might have described it before. It was a few years back in Summer Camp... I was 14 or 15. We were on a HUGE bus ride from Florida to NY and I was sitting next to this girl. She was dark skinned (dominican or something) and tomboyish yet attractive. She eventually got bored of talking to other people and talked to me. Eventually, talking turned into wrestling, where she quickly realized how weak I was. Before I knew it, I was a toy for her amusement. She was smacking me around and elbowing my cock a little...

She humiliated me and shoved me in awkward positions as my friends laughed and took pictures. She sat on me (we were young then so i was only 5 feet or so... she was 5"8") She roughed me up so to speak, when eventually, she pulled my hair and dragged my head down, ordering me to close my eyes. I knew what was coming but had no choice, and I sealed my eeys shut listening to my heart racing. I was scared shitless and humiliated, when all of the sudden I recieved my first kiss: By force.

I was in heaven... she did it to me whennever there was a bus ride from that day forth untill camp ended. On the last day I worked up the courage to ask for her screen name when surprised, she says "why?"... As though she barely knew me and there would be little point in speaking. Then and there I realized it was all a big joke. I got really upset and was ruined for a while. It was as though I was on some kind of wonderful drug, then all of the sudden got shoved into reality, dark and alone. When I got better, I came to terms with the fact that i was used for physical comedy, and that my first kiss was forced and meaningless... It's kind of kinky, I guess. I just wish I wasn't so naive.

Anyway, that experience got me off emotionally and sexually. I eventually got a gf, (now my ex, but we were together for 18 months exactly) but it wasn't the same. I had to be the "man" and everything sucked. I don't care about an orgasm or a nice rack, I care about being so hot, so horny and so scared that you just shiver... I need to feel hot breath on the back of my neck while I pant for air. I need to be overpowered... I definitely know what i want but ill probly be miserable till i find it... bah