Online relationships 101

[Pandora's Box]

In regards to the silent treatment as punishment, I completely 100% absolutely positively whole-heartedly disagree.

I can't think of a more irresponsible and disrespectful thing to do.

I am currently involved in an o/l relationship that we both hope to move to real time. If he ever tried to use the silent treatment as punishment, I'd show him the door.

That isn't a dominant in my opinion. It's someone that doesn't have the imagination or personal resources to handle a situation which truly requires them to rise to the occasion. In other words, immature.

The only time I think silence is appropriate is when they are so angry that they need to take a "time out" to collect themselves. And that should only be done in extreme situations where the submissive knows what's going on.

I may be alone in this, but I honestly was so offended by the thought of being given the "silent treatment" as punishment that I had to bring back a topic that had died a year ago.

I don't believe in it for vanilla and most certainly not for bdsm. It is a cruel form of manipulation. "If you don't obey, then I won't let you be around me". You can't withdraw your love just because someone angers you.

Whatever happened to discussion, compromise and communication?

[Ladywynn]

I don't believe in it for vanilla and most certainly not for bdsm. It is a cruel form of manipulation. "If you don't obey, then I won't let you be around me". You can't withdraw your love just because someone angers you.

Whatever happened to discussion, compromise and communication?

I absolutely agree, it is manipulative and it can be seriously damaging to the trust that is built up as well. I cannot see there being a serious enough problem to warrant the silent treatment with your sub online.

As for the rest of the questions, if your sub is honestly seeking exploration of themselves and their sexuality, I don't think that disobeying requests or orders should be in question. If you've established likes, dislikes, and limits, they will likely be glad to participate.

I think if you have gotten to the point where you distrust that your partner is actually following through, then there are deeper issues that need to be addressed, such as communication.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I absolutely agree, it is manipulative and it can be seriously damaging to the trust that is built up as well. I cannot see there being a serious enough problem to warrant the silent treatment with your sub online.

I can. If your submissive is a brat and uses brattiness to get attention, then denying her that attention is probably going to be the most effective way to deal with that behavior.

Of course, the other way to deal with it is to not take on a brat as a submissive partner.

[e.b.]

I can. If your submissive is a brat and uses brattiness to get attention, then denying her that attention is probably going to be the most effective way to deal with that behavior.

Even when dealing with bratty behavior, communication is still necessary. While I agree that brattiness is a manipulative way to seek attention, I also think that silence without any explanation is manipulative. I don't really think that creates a healthy situation; it simply perpetuates a cycle of rudeness on the parts of both the dom and the sub. The sub acts bratty instead of addressing her needs in a more mature fashion and the dom holds his silence over her head instead of discussing his displeasure.

Of course if a dom has already corrected a sub for bratty behavior and discussed consequences such as "quiet time" if the behavior continues, then I do think it's a fair method of punishment. The sub was warned and behaved poorly anyway. Withdrawing attention without explanation or discussion first seems a bit harsh though. After all, we all make judgment errors and it's hard to improve one's behavior if you're unaware or unsure of the offense.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Even when dealing with bratty behavior, communication is still necessary. While I agree that brattiness is a manipulative way to seek attention, I also think that silence without any explanation is manipulative.

Of course if a dom has already corrected a sub for bratty behavior and discussed consequences such as "quiet time" if the behavior continues, then I do think it's a fair method of punishment.

Oh no. That, I completely agree with. I wouldn't try to use a method of discipline like that unless it was well-communicated first. Otherwise, what's the point in being quiet? If your brat doesn't know you're being quiet because you're trying to get her attention, it wouldn't be very effective discipline, would it?

Good point, though.

[Tang]

I agree that online contact can be very exciting. Some have said that you cannot know whether the other person is faking it unless you have met them IRL. However, I think online is a realm of fantasy anyway. Whilst I lack the technical facilities to engage in play in places like Erotic Labs or Shangrila, I know people who have had great fun using them. I think some of the issues depend on the nature of online relationships.

If you are sending orders to a sub who is a real person who will act on those commands in reality then you have to take as much care as if you were doing that f-2-f. There are hazards with follow-up commands being lost or forgotten about, I left my online sub dressed in a particular way all night because I forgot to send the follow-up email and that was a strong and never forgotten lesson to me. My approach now is to send complete 'packages', with all the activities from beginning to end in one package, so you know that the sub will end up restored to 'normality' by the end of it. This kind of online relationship needs the trust of a f-2-f one and has to be handled as carefully, in such an environment I believe safe words are as important as IRL and things should only progress when each side has emailed the turn on word and things stop immediately whenever either side has sent the switch off word. It is also handy to have an off topic word which does not end play but allows discussion of what is happening outside the play.

There is a different kind of online relationship if it is total fantasy at each end. You can be representing yourself as any gender or any species in any setting or time period and effectively together you are writing a kind of novel. This should be safer because there is no way my catman self can fall from that castle wall I have just vaulted in order to scale up to the chamber where the innocent princess waits to be abducted and ravaged and transformed into my catwoman lover. However, the online exchange can be very arousing and exciting and it does not really matter who is actually on each end or how they are dressed, etc. as long as long as they are imaginative and can write well. The only potential for harm is if the players move from just writing to trying to act out what is being described.

There can be total fantasy rooted in a less fantastical setting and with behavior which is more like what might happen in reality, for example I am picking up a slutty prostitute and taking her back to have fun with in a cheap motel room, but in this style of online contact it is unlikely that either party is going to act any of that out though there may be a greater risk, thus a need for greater care, than with more fantastical set activities which it would be impossible for them to do.