Snowdoggie's First Assignment

[Dragon's muse]

i have every faith you will do just fine. i am looking forward to reading you.

rose

[Snowdoggie]

I entered the dungeon club lounge as usual. It seemed quiet. The lights were off and only the flickering orange and red flames of the open fire illuminated the room. In the warm glow of the fire I could see a figure sitting on the couch in front of the fire. Even with his back to me I could recognise the familiar silhouette of Dog. “Unusual.” I thought. Usually Dog would have been aware as soon as someone entered the room and greeted them his usual “Aloha” and would be rising to stand as a lady entered the room. Today he just sat staring into the dancing flames, he didn’t know I was there, he was miles away.

“Aloha Dog.” I said with the same enthusiasm that Dog would usually use. He turned his head and looked at me. His face was glazed and his grey hair seemed greyer somehow in the dancing shadows. His face showed recognition and he stood in a tired way as if somehow much older all of a sudden.

“Hi.” he said, his voice seemed tired and I was surprised by the contrast in his usual demeanour. Dog is always so up, alive and joking. I was concerned and asked if I could sit with him. He patted the seat beside and said in his usual slightly odd way that it would be his pleasure to be joined by such a beautiful lady. From anyone else this would sound kind of corny but Dog always seemed to somehow make it sound sincere. Like a Victorian gent somehow transported in time.

I sat down beside him and he sat as soon as I had settled. I moved a little closer till my leg just touched his and looked at him. He was unshaved, most unusual and the half-light of the fire exaggerated the stubble on his chin. His eyes looked tired and I was now more than just a little concerned. Even though we had never been close Dog was always a perfect gent and always ready to tease or be teased. I was, I realised for the first time, kind of fond of him actually.

In his hand he held an envelope. I don’t know why, but I put my hand on his lightly and asked, “May I?” He didn’t say anything he just held the envelope up for me to take. I took it and opened the official looking brown envelope. I took out a single crisp white sheet with a legal firms heading at the top in gold embossed lettering. It was a simple, short letter stating that Miss Claire Drummond had passed away from cancer of the pancreas and that she had bequeathed a ring on a chain. It invited Dog to contact them to arrange for the item to be passed to him.

“Who was she, Dog?”

Seemed like an age before Dog moved. I looked at him intently and I could feel the warm glow of the fire against my skin. Too hot really but I was more concerned with Dog and didn’t want to move from his side. At last he spoke. He spoke slowly and carefully as he always did. Considering everything he said as if to make sure it had just the right impact. His Scottish accent was not too strong and it was easy to be drawn in by it.

“She was my first love I guess. She worked in the office as I did when I left college. She was so fine a real lady. She was delicate I guess I would call it. She looked delicate and I think she was inside to. She was full of life and always just so happy to be alive. Always smiling really lit up a room when she entered and always the centre of attention. When she walked it was like she was skipping, all flouncy and floaty and that was her nature to. What you saw was what you got.”

“I liked her a lot and got to the stage I followed her a bit like a puppy. Claire liked having men, following after her a bit of a tease the other girls would have said. She was older, I was about nineteen and she was thirty-four. A lot of people thought she was snobby but I think it was just how she had been brought up, it wasn’t conscious. Claire had a boyfriend but for some reason, I was a scruff with long hair in those days, she saw something in me. No one could understand it.” At this thought he gave a short chuckle before carrying on.

“I think she needed a father figure, her father had left her and her mother when she was young. It was she I think that stirred something in me and made me think how I might make an impression on her. I remember the first time I kissed her. We had been opening the mail in the mailroom and had to carry it up to the office. She carried the letters in a red wire tray I remember. Her hands underneath and resting against her semitransparent blouse. My heart was pounding. I was taking in everything. Her flowery scent filled my nostrils and the red of her lipstick was mesmerising. I had planned what I was going to do and we got into the lift together.”

“Taking my heart in my hands I suppressed my trembling voice. Claire I said. She looked at me and I just said kiss me. I recall she looked at me for a moment and I just had time to think in for a penny in for a pound. Kiss me now Claire I said, and she did.”

“I think she longed for someone to take hold of her and show her what to do. A lost girl in a big bad world doing well not to show she was vulnerable. She wanted the cottage, kids and husband but wanted to care for her mother too and couldn’t work out how to balance it all. She was frightened to get too close to any man in case it meant she lost her mum I think. At the same time she yearned to have someone to have power over here to release her from the responsibility she felt at home.”

Dog was in full flood. I had never heard him like this before. Usually he was more interested in me and what I had to say, always changing the subject from him to me when we chatted. But today I was happy to listen as he told me about Claire, someone who had touched him at an early stage in his life and obviously moved him. I made sure I looked in his eyes when he looked up from some place where he was recalling the memories. He told how she had awakened in him a seed that grew into the need for control over another willing soul. How with time and age he had grown to know this was where his destiny had taken him and how he would have liked to have had time to rekindle the flame he had had with her.

And then, all of a sudden he seemed to realise what was happening and the light in his eyes turned on once more. His whole body seemed to change, he sat upright once more and his face became calm and alive again. The age seeped from his face and it seemed that Dog was back with me once more.

“But listen to me” he said, “I am rambling on fair lady.” He took my hand and kissed it lightly and looking at me, the reflection of the flickering flames in his eyes and just said “Thank you.” He was his old self and started to joke and tease once more and bring a smile to my lips. I have never seen that hidden Dog again but it told me so much about him.

I must admit I am not too pleased with this effort. My humble apologies; but I am interested to hear the critisim so I have posted it anyway. I think I may attempt this exercise again at a later date and see if I can improve it until I am happy with it. I look forward to a next exercise if I am deemed worthy.

Your humble servent Dog.

[Dragon's muse]

i think this is wonderfully well written. The minor line edits are below, but the key word there is MINOR. The sorts of things for which the Goddess made editors and obsessive-compulsive grammar nazis like me.

i really felt the sense of deep sorrow and loss. The telling of Claire and Dog's encounter was realistic and even made a tough old bird like me tear up. i could even hear the Scottish lilt in the voice, which i must admit is a weakness of mine. (but Dragon is a Scotsman, so that does give me a bit of a bias.)

Your first assignment and you knock it out of the park. Kudos.

Now on to the nits that must be picked.

In the warm glow of the fire I could see a figure sitting on the couch in front of the fire.
I could see a figure sitting on the couch in the warm glow of the fire.

“Unusual.” I thought.

Should be a comma after "unusual"

Usually Dog would have been aware as soon as someone entered the room and greeted them his usual “Aloha” and would be rising to stand as a lady entered the room.

Starting the sentence with "usually" so soon after using the word unusual gives a bit of a singsong rhythm. This sentence also has a bit of a run-on feel. Maybe try ~~

Normally, Dog would have been aware as soon as anyone entered the room. He never failed to greet with his customary "Aloha" or rise when a lady entered the room.


Today he just sat staring into the dancing flames, he didn’t know I was there, he was miles away.

Put a semicolon after "flames" and a dash after "there"
NOTE on punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks. If the quote is part of a sentence, there should be a comma before the closing quotation marks. (Unless of course it is a question)

His face was glazed and his grey hair seemed greyer somehow in the dancing shadows. His face showed recognition and he stood in a tired way as if somehow much older all of a sudden.

You used the word 'somehow' twice in as many sentences. See if you can find a substitute for one of them. Perhaps 'somehow' in the second sentence could be eliminated completely.
Also, if your substitute 'suddenly' for the phrase 'all of a sudden" it will improve the flow of the sentence.
. . . he stood tiredly, as if suddenly much older.


“Hi.” he said, his voice seemed tired and I was surprised by the contrast in his usual demeanour. Dog is always so up, alive and joking. I was concerned and asked if I could sit with him. He patted the seat beside and said in his usual slightly odd way that it would be his pleasure to be joined by such a beautiful lady.
This could be rewritten in the form of dialogue to increase impact. It is usually preferable to let your characters "speak" for themselves. Narrative/exposition can interfere with pacing and flow.

Even though we had never been close Dog was always a perfect gent and always ready to tease or be teased.
You need a comma between 'close' and 'Dog'

I took out a single crisp white sheet with a legal firms heading at the top in gold embossed lettering.

"firms" should be "firm's"

Too hot really but I was more concerned with Dog and didn’t want to move from his side.

comma needed between 'but' and 'I'



“She was my first love, I guess. She worked in the same office as I did when I left college. She was so fine -- a real lady. She was delicate, I guess I would call it. She looked delicate and I think she was inside, too. She was full of life and always just so happy to be alive. Always smiling, really lit up a room when she entered and always the centre of attention. When she walked it was like she was skipping, all flouncy and floaty and that was her nature, too. What you saw was what you got.”

“I liked her a lot and got to the stage I followed her a bit like a puppy. Claire liked having men, following after her a bit of a tease the other girls would have said. She was older; I was about nineteen and she was thirty-four. A lot of people thought she was snobby but I think it was just how she had been brought up, it wasn’t conscious. Claire had a boyfriend, but for some reason, I was a scruff with long hair in those days, she saw something in me. No one could understand it.” At this thought he gave a short chuckle before carrying on.

“I think she needed a father figure, her father had left her and her mother when she was young. It was she, I think, that stirred something in me and made me think how I might make an impression on her. I remember the first time I kissed her. We had been opening the mail in the mailroom and had to carry it up to the office. She carried the letters in a red wire tray I remember. Her hands underneath and resting against her semitransparent blouse. My heart was pounding. I was taking in everything. Her flowery scent filled my nostrils and the red of her lipstick was mesmerising. I had planned what I was going to do and we got into the lift together.”

“Taking my heart in my hands I suppressed my trembling voice. Claire I said. She looked at me and I just said kiss me. I recall she looked at me for a moment and I just had time to think in for a penny in for a pound. Kiss me now Claire I said, and she did.”

suggested rewrite:

suggested rewrite
She looked at me and I just said, 'Kiss me.' I recall she looked at me for a moment and i hust had time to think, 'in for a penny, in for a pound.' 'Kiss me now, Claire,' I said and she did.



“I think she longed for someone to take hold of her and show her what to do. A lost girl in a big bad world doing well not to show she was vulnerable. She wanted the cottage, kids and husband but wanted to care for her mother too and couldn’t work out how to balance it all. She was frightened to get too close to any man in case it meant she lost her mum I think. At the same time she yearned to have someone to have power over here to release her from the responsibility she felt at home.”

Dog was in full flood. I had never heard him like this before. Usually he was more interested in me and what I had to say, always changing the subject from him to me when we chatted. But today I was happy to listen as he told me about Claire, someone who had touched him at an early stage in his life and obviously moved him. I made sure I looked in his eyes when he looked up from some place where he was recalling the memories. He told how she had awakened in him a seed that grew into the need for control over another willing soul. How with time and age he had grown to know this was where his destiny had taken him and how he would have liked to have had time to rekindle the flame he had had with her.
Again it is almost better to let your characters speak for themselves.


And then, all of a sudden he seemed to realise what was happening and the light in his eyes turned on once more. His whole body seemed to change, he sat upright once more and his face became calm and alive again. The age seeped from his face and it seemed that Dog was back with me once more. You used "once more" three times in rapid succession. Try to find another way to say it.

“But listen to me,” he said, “I am rambling on, fair lady.” He took my hand and kissed it lightly and looking at me, the reflection of the flickering flames in his eyes and just said “Thank you.” He was his old self and started to joke and tease once more and bring a smile to my lips. I have never seen that hidden Dog again but it told me so much about him.

[Snowdoggie]

Aloha and so many thanks,

as I said I knew it wasn't just spot on. My grammer is okay but certainly not up to standard and I thank you for your comments. I will sudy some basic grammer for future.

I found the passages you highlighted difficult and when I write I usually can tell, grammer aside if it is okay or not. I liked the idea for the telling of the tale but it just didn't quite come off this time.

I will strive to do better.

I realy do appreciate the time you took.

Once more I kiss your hand and remain your humble servant.

Dog xx