Good work so far, very interesting concept. As for what needs work, I'd suggest you start with the sentence structure and grammar; the elipses and run on sentences detract from the overall effect by making this hard to read.

Also, unless you're intending to leave the reader very confused as to what's real and how many people are involved, I'd suggest you add some more explanation. Even if you want the reader wondering, I would recommend you take time to describe and emphasize the sudden introduction of a presence.