Quote Originally Posted by duktig flicka
The basic question is twofold: Why do I enjoy bdsm and is it harming me? Then there's the background. My dad was very sadistic and had a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. He was prone to losing his temper out of the blue, at which time he became violent towards me and did humiliating things like throwing me to the floor and pinning my face down with his foot.

I am really, really, really dying to know what psychological effect bdsm has on a person. Is it harmful? Is it therapeutic? None of the above? Am I exploiting my boyfriend for the sake of vain self-loathing by taking part in it with him? Would it be possible to "get rid of it" and start enjoying vanilla sex? Or is it just harmless fun?
My own experience was one of discovery during my early life. I remember enjoying games of cowboys and indians where a girl got tied up, long before I knew anything about sex. There was nothing in my family background that explains my predilection for bondage. The first time I experienced sexual pleasure was while climbing a rope. That was a coincidence. Spending most of my adolescence out of contact with girls led to experimentation with self bondage, but I might have done it anyway. It taught me a lot about the way physical sensations and fantasies can enhance sexual experiences. I do not feel that I have to mistreat women. Rather I enjoy teasing them with fantasies and sensations. I have always enjoyed 'vanilla' sex. I just find that the other kind is more satisfying in every way.

The other replies in this section tell much the same story. It seems that most of us are this way because we are, not because someone or something made us so. Also I have found that many people in the vanilla world out there enjoy bdsm just as much. They just lack the knowledge and creative imagination to dream it up for themselves. They respond just as powerfully to bdsm fantasies. I think some of the fantasy themes resonate deep in our minds because of associations that go back to early human history.

I know that there are people who feel the need to be treated in a particular way because they were abused, and blame themselves for that. They want to be hurt, sometimes they harm themselves physically and may be suicidal. I have encountered women who wanted to be abused in internet role play and admitted to having been abused in real life. There are people who want to be humiliated because they don't feel they deserve any better. It may seem that they can't enjoy sex without it. I have had many personal accounts of this kind. I cannot prove that there was no psychological or other predisposition, but I do not believe that victims should blame themselves.

I see a major difference between the kind of humiliating and demeaning treatment that converts a sub into a mere creature of the dom while repressing her own personality completely, and mutual loving, caring enjoyment of bdsm fantasy and psychologically enhanced stimulation. For me bdsm is something to be enjoyed with mutual respect and understanding, and it is about understanding the physical and psychological triggers that enhance the sexual satisfaction of the partner.

Others have said that the why is unimportant, it is what you are that matters. My view is that if bdsm enhances your enjoyment of sex, that is sufficient reason to do it. If your partner wants to please you, like anyone in a vanilla sexual relationship, teach him how. Do not go through the rest of your life feeling deprived of the kind of satisfaction you want.