*huggles echos*

hey so i'm just kinda using this thread to vent at this point... i'm warning you all now... what is going to follow is probably gonna come off as whiny and i don't expect anyone to actually pay attention, though some may understand what i'm bitching about....


let me say first... that i'm back at home, in jacksonville, my home being the one i share with my husband. i've got my two little sisters (ages 10 and 12) here for their two week spring break ( year around school). i'm beyond happy to be spending time with them because they are both getting to that age where it all starts to really matter, where life starts to shape their personalities, opinions and outlook on life. and it's always been important to me to be there for them, because they have literally saved my life more than once. they are the two ONLY people in this entire world that i flat out refuse to disappoint. i would kill to keep them safe, i would steal and cheat to keep them happy, i would put my life completely on hold to help them. i would do all this without even thinking. they are my children. i've raised them, with my mom, since they were born. lol i was the "father" of the whole thing.....

anyway... so i'm back in jacksonville.....

i left my formorer Dom, Azrael, because i didn't believe W/we meshed on the D/s thing but also because i wanted to do things right for once. i've never been single. if i'm going to leave jake, then i need to have the patience and honor to do it the right way.

of course as soon as i set to this particular path.... my Dom before Azrael... Phoenix is what we'll call Him... called and told me everything i have always wanted to here from Him.....too bad He was too late in saying those things.

Both of these Doms are good Doms. Very capable. They were both very significant parts of my life and i learned an immense amount from each of Them.

And They both asked me to be Theirs. And They weren't the only ones..... as the saying goes....as soon as you dont want something, it's right there in your face. i'm not bragging. there is a point to all of this.

i've turned Them all down. why? because for some reason i no longer have the desire to submit... to anyone. is that even possible???? to longer wish to be submissive?? does that just... die out in a person, like a doused flame??? what is wrong with me?

for those that have reads my post about my bipolar disorder.... i kinda fixed that problem. i stopped taking birth control.... and everyone i know on a decently personal basis has noticed a dramatic change in my personality. they told me i just seem soooo much calmer. so much more relaxed, much easier to smile, less cynical. and looking back on things, it makes sense. i never even thought it could be the birth control, which i had changed consequently the around the same time my marriage started haveing problems. or rather i started having problems with my marriage.

it is possible that i was only submissive due to a chemical imbalance caused by the horomones of my birth control?

and if so... where the hell do i stand now? i am a happier person in general. it's hard to describe. i'm just so much less stressed out. i sleep a complete 6 to 7 hours but then i am awake. i don't have to struggle to get out of bed, i don't dread waking up and facing the day anymore. i no longer dread going to sleep because it means i have to wake up. my anger doesnt exist. i still get mad of course, but as soon as i manage to actually get good and angry i'm already over it. same for sadness. i still get hyper but lol as weird as it sounds... it's a calmer sort of hyper. not as intense and as long as my hyper moods were before. i'm productive, getting things done, accomplishing things throughout the day. i have the patience now to actually sit down and write out emails to all the people i never took the time to reply too. i no longer feel rushed to make myself 100% happy before i'm 25. my life has stretched out before me a lazy pleasant manner, allowing me to the patience to actually accomplish things.

but i'm no longer submissive. my sex drive doesnt exist now. i'm serious... i don't even have a desire to masterbate. *sigh* the phrase "you can't have it all" keeps repeating through my head, echoing.....

to be submissive or to be normal...... gee what a choice to make......