Disheartened - Cyber Spouse

[redEva]

thank you
i hope you find healing

[Pandora's Box]

I believe your first mistake was not being honest with yourself. And in turn with her.

You only half heartedly admitted your addiction. And yes it is an addiction. At one point you state it as an addiction, but then you turned around and stated you could "take it or leave it. (shrugs)"

Addictions don't work that way.

The alcoholic can't just take or leave alcohol. Nor can the smoker just take or leave cigarettes.

It's a battle you must fight with yourself. And from what I read above, you never commited yourself to that battle.

And so in the end, your addiction won out.

If I were you, I'd cut yourself off from cyber cold turkey and pour your efforts and energy into trying to win back your wife. If she's not happy with her current situation like you said then you may have a chance.

But you have to be honest with yourself. You can't have your cake and eat it too in this situation. That's the most dangerous lie of all because it underestimates the strength of your addiction.

I hope you make it through this. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but after you come to your conclusions, I hope to not see you again for a long long time. The computer and the internet is something you will have to gain control of. And to do that you'll have to unplug it.

I wish you and your wife the best.

[MrVortex]

I certainly appreciate the response and it showed me how hard it is to put an entire marriage and D/s issue in one post hehehe.


But while I did use the word addiction ( I should have used another term) I have analyzed the issue enough to know I am not in denial and in no need of a 12 step program <--- does that statement have denial written all over it ? lol.

If anyone else has input that can look past it being a cyber sex addiction issue please post.

The elements I present in the post are:

1. I found it necessary to confide my intimate thoughts in someone besides my wife. <--- this is the most important question I needed to answer for myself. I never hid any of this from my wife and like I said she initiated this whole concept into our marriage hehe. She had her own version of this but without the 'sex'.

2. What once was a mutual acceptance between us changed.

3. a D/s relationship is established which could be construed as a sub trying to control the situation. Hence the lack of trust that we would work through that issue while addressing the whole spectrum.

4. Stubborn to not fall for that control in favor of loosing my marriage. It was a gamble and I lost. (I think this might answer my question of why I kept the online stuff an element in the relationship). hmmm.. Early on in the marriage this was acceptble and as I mentioned, I didn't think in our relationship it should have become such a paramount issue and one of my goals was to put it back into perspective if even to the point that we did it together again.. She told me numerous times she didn't mind it so much as long as she got the attention. To be honest, I was rather sick of cybering early on, hence going to a one person type relationship online.. She had the same thing , a close friend she talked to about things I wasn't privy to, but for her there wasn't an emphasis on sex. Shoot he sent her gifts and stuff all the time hehehe and I swallowed it not letting it make me jealous and realized she had every right to have a vey close friend,

I think what happened is the cyber relationship exposed a communication issue between my spouse and myself that we couldn't reconcile. But I feel I realized that to late. This was the part that was confusing for me, why on earth would I want to talk to someone electronically (no cams, just chat in a game no less) when right in front of me is a real life person with pretty ears.

Does any of that make sense ? or does it sound like I am trying to fool myself ? hehehe.

It's true that if I thought she would have actually left me rather than trusting me as Dom to work through all of those issues in addition to everything else then I would have dropped all of it. Actually after she left I packed up the computer, put it in the trunk of her car on the way out and told her to smash it , give it to a friend or whatever and I didn't touch a computer for over a month and actually up until recently I haven't cybered and I don't have the same circle of friends on the net either. I have recently become intimate with one person on the net who is very familiar with everything that has happened and she is wanting to be my sub but I am not ready yet. I have made new friends and am trying to wrap up this lesson in my life before I get into another commitment

My wife won't come back, I say this because there is just to much emotional pain for her and it's been several months.

I hope this forum is appropriate to discuss this , as I see it, it does touch elements of BDSM or specifically D/s and seems to be within the scope of the forum title.

Pandora's Box, I sincerely appreciate your feedback. If I knew of a way to get her to come back I would do it in a heartbeat because I truly don't have a problem cutting myself off and going cold turkey, I have already done that.
The problem she tells me is she doesn't trust that I will keep away from it and not sure how to convince her.. She doesn't have the trust and if she is keeping her distance then there isn't a way for me to show her trust I don't think.

BTW if this is a PM type issue and someone wishes to discuss it with me feel free to let me know..

[AndrewBlack]

I'm very sorry to hear about your failing/ed realtionship. I'm not quite sure of your goals here, are you wanting your wife back or are you wanting to move on but not repeat mistakes?

As an impartial outsider here's my 2 cents worth.

To be brutally frank, SERIOUS alarm bells are ringing about the two of you having your primary intimate relationships with other people, on or off line. Imagine for a minute that the cyber element did not exist to perhaps see what I mean a little clearer.

Questions in my mind are, Who did you like the most, your wife or your internet partner? Did you really love your wife or did you feel you could be happier with someone else ? How much of your internet partner did you really know and how much did you imagine to fill in the gaps, perhaps more favourably than would really have been the case?

Otherwise I would have to ask if you have any strong relationships that are not internet based (the irony that I am having a highly personnal discussion with a man who admits to having a non-cyber-intimacy problem is not lost on me) ?

I hope that I am not out of order asking you such personnal questions. Best wishes. AB