Just a rant

[spike]

..um..well..
*goes red in the the face*
I don't want to worry him. I've told him briefly that I had some bad stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd want to hear me prattering on about details. If he wanted to know, he'd ask, right?

Wrong! If he thought it would hurt you to go into your past, he would avoid the subject or approach it very carefully. (If he is a caring and responsible person who feels for you, that is.)

Communication, a cornerstone of good relationships of all kinds, vanilla and bdsm, requires you to tell him what you feel. It's the only way he can find out. And finding out is the only way he can get any idea what the right thing to do is.

He doesn't know that I associate with other people in bdsm. I'm embarassed to tell him.

Perhaps not so embarrassed as you are to tell him what you need. If you trust him, show it.

There's no way I can bring up the issue from this post with him. How can I say that without turning it around to be about my needs instead of his?

It's not turning it around. That is precisely what it is. And he needs to know.

I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?

What you have said to us. He already knows you and feels for you, we are a load of strangers. Doesn't he deserve to know what we know?

Talking about your needs once isn't 'talking about yourself all the time'. Give him a chance, flicka.

Spike

[Curtis]

Spike's got darn near the perfect reply up there, so I'll just try to muddy it a little.

If I have this correctly from other threads, you're working on a Master's in Psychology, but you don't believe in communication? Disconnect alert!

There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend (NOT husband!) hasn't been asking questions about this. First, he's a guy. Not all guys are clueless, but enough are to keep the stereotype alive. He may not realize that there's anything wrong with your end of the relationship, especially if there's nothing wrong with his. One of my pet phrases to use on women who accuse me of being insensitive to their needs is, "I'm sorry, I left my mind reading cap at home today." Where did women ever get the idea that we can tell what's wrong (or even that something is wrong) just from the tone of their voice or the expression on their face? I can't tell that my brakes are locked up when my car's pulling to the right and there's smoke coming from the wheel well. Completely clueless.

Second, he might figure that you don't want to talk about it (which you don't), so he's just being sensitive to what he perceives as your need. This would put him one up the evolutionary scale from me, but still doesn't help the situation.

Third, he's accustomed to you taking charge everywhere but the bedroom (wish I could find a girlfriend like that), so he may be assuming that you'll take the initiative in broaching this subject.

There are others, but I'll leave them as an exercise for the student.

You're not too ugly or too fat. Unless your appearance has changed A LOT {emphasis, emphasis} since you started the relationship, since you looked good enough to get him, then you look good enough to keep him. For most guys, once he's had you in bed, looks drop about six positions on their priority list.

Finally (for now), Spike is exactly right that this IS about your needs, so no turning is necessary. Not hearing his side of the story, it seems as though his needs are being met. You communicate beautifully in writing. If you really can't talk to him about this (nonsense, but we'll allow the fiction), then write him a letter. The next time you see him, drop to your knees with your head bowed and wordlessly hand him the letter. The embarassment alone may be enough to satisfy your need to be punished.

[spike]

What he said. ^^

Spike