Just a rant

[jaeangel]

Okay. Damn, where do I start...? Umm.
Flicka, I looked at your profile. You're actually not that much younger than i am (I was born in '79, you in '81) but I think maybe you're a fairly new dancer on the D/s stage.
"It seems like he's wanting me to get more dominant..."
In your profile you mention that you have an interest/background/whatever in ballet. Have you ever danced a pas de deux? The lead changes in a pas de deux. Sometimes the spotlight's on you, and you have to lead the dance. And sometimes it's on your partner, and he has to lead.
The same thing is true in D/s. You have to take the lead sometimes. So does he. He can't take the lead all the time, otherwise it stops being a pas de deux and starts being a solo, and you're left waiting in the wings for him to claim you to rejoin the dance. So if he turns the spotlight on you, so to speak, it's not because he's not happy to be with you anymore, it's simply your turn to lead. Don't feel guilty about it, that's just the way things ARE in D/s. Or should be. There are relationships out there where the Dominant micromanages everything, and from what I've read about you in your posts, you'd hate that!
"I've told him I had some bad stuff in the past..."
Believe me, I know what bad stuff in the past is. I was physically abused (think haircut with a meat cleaver, whole weekends not allowed to sleep or eat, kneeling in a corner having my ass and legs and hands bruised with a two-inch diameter hickory branch, that kind of thing) and emotionally abused as a child by my adopted mother (who never told me I was adopted and lied to me about it for 20 years) and by kids at school because I was adopted and because I was a Korean kid in a school full of rich white snobs, raped at fourteen and had to get an abortion in secret because I didn't dare tell my mom, got in a bad S/M relationship when I was nineteen that put me in the hospital, found out I was adopted only after it was too late to find anything out about my birth parents, got disowned by said mother when I became pregnant by my fiance, and had to elope with him because she didn't want to get married. We all have stuff in our pasts we'd like not to think about. Some more than others. But if you truly want to get anywhere with your significant other, you need to be upfront with what you need, want, and desire. You may not get into details with him...but he does need to know that. Past abuse does have some bearing on current lifestyle choices.
"I don't like talking about it..."
Neither do I, Flicka.
"No one wants to hear about it..."
Yes they do. If the people who are around you care about you, they do want to hear about it. If they don't, you need to get rid of them. Fast.
"I need to just be mature and forget about it..."
Since the technology hasn't been invented yet that would make you able to selectively delete certain brain cells that store bad memories in them, the forgetting part is pretty much out of the question. And maturity isn't about forgetting; maturity is about accepting what happened, talking to yourself or having someone to talk to about the welter of hurt feelings and emotional turmoil, and accepting that there's nothing you can do about it now. Nietsche said, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Sometimes that's true, depending on the 'what' and the 'you', but having someone you love and respect listening to your problems and cuddling you when you want to cry helps a lot. And sometimes the person you choose to cry on isn't your significant other. There's nothing wrong with that.
"He doesn't know that I associate with others in BDSM...I'm embarassed to tell him..."
Sweetheart, if you can't tell him then who can you tell? He already knows you're 'into' the life, you both are engaging in the D/s dance, and you're both consenting adults. If he can't accept your lifestyle choices then he's not mature enough to accept being your dominant.
"If he wanted to know he'd ask..."
*sigh* Men won't ask about stuff like this. Simply because they are men. Did you know that men have fewer neural connections in their brains going from emotion centers to thought centers to speech centers? Almost 50% fewer than women do. Know what this means? THEY DON'T ASK ABOUT EMOTION STUFF BECAUSE THEY CAN'T. They aren't hardwired that way, the hardware is missing. God forgot to install the hardware to go with the software! So while they may be curious about that, they physically can't ask.There are exceptions, but mostly that's the rule. So if you want him to know something, YOU have to bring it up.
"Maybe I'm worse than I thought..."
*deeper sigh* You're being too hard on yourself. (Don't feel bad, so am I.) Unecessarily. Stop beating yourself over the head, because it's not going to do anything but give you a headache!
"I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?..."
Exactly what you've said here. All you're doing here on the forums..all ANY of us are doing here...is talking about ourselves; what we like-want-need-hate-love-stuff like that. And there are enough of us who are interested in what the other person has to say that we manage to keep some fairly brisk conversations going around here. The fact that you have this many replies to a thread YOU started means there are people out there interested in hearing YOU talk about yourself. The fact that you've had the patience to get through this long-ass post to get to this part says you're interested in what I have to say about myself as it relates to yourself. So if HE cares about you AT ALL, which he obviously does, then he'll be twice as interested in what you have to say as we are. And if he isn't, then as much as you care about him, you need to get out of the relationship.
And one other thing to consider. Masters do need to be trained. They need to be shown what to do with a D/S relationship. Perhaps, if you directed him to these forums, he'd jave a better understanding of how to deal with your relationship. That's why forums like this one exist. To learn. If he was experienced with D/s you would probably not have the kinds of problems you're having now. If he isn't experienced then the problems you're having right now are common, and he should come in here and chat for a bit and do some reading. Either way he could benefit from coming here. "Hey, I found this really neat site with stories and stuff, and I liked this story, and maybe you'd like it, check it out. And oh, by the way, there's a message board for people into 'the life' and I've been lurking and maybe putting out a few posts because I was curious and they really are neat, and they'd love to meet the owner of such a good sub and find out how you trained me..." which isn't really the truth, but men need to have their egos stroked so you can get away with saying stuff like this (I'm married, I know!) and in the process of coming here to 'teach', he will learn, and your relationship will be better .
And now that I've talked your ear off, I'll let you think on that...

[spike]

and what she said too ^^

Spike

[jaeangel]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

Don't you, Spike?
*grins and slaps him on the back*

[spike]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

But I can't articulate it.

Spike

[jaeangel]

Come on, Spikey wikey, if you weally weally twy...
Sorry, couldn't resist. My bad. You can spank me for being bad!

[spike]

You can spank me for being bad!

Let's not give flicka the wrong idea. This is her thread and it is a serious matter. I think we've said our pieces on the thread so let's take this frivolity elsewhere.

Spike

[chromedome11]

jaeangel,

My congratulations on your answer. Straight from the heart, relevant (and painful) personal experiences, no judging, just valuable advice.

You've done your good deed for the day. May your reward be the best spanking you've ever had.

[duktig flicka]

You guys are so nice to me. And so wise, too. Thank you. I'm still trying to think what to do. I'm just scared of doing the wrong thing and messing everything up. Plus I hate talking about relationshipy feely thingies. Um, am I bad to respond to this? After you guys were all so kind, I don't want to make you feel like you have to keep up this conversation and be my therapist, so I'm going to respond to the points rather than the individual people who made them.

I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants.

I don't want him to read my mind, and I don't want him to know how I feel because then he'll start trying to please me, which is the reverse of what I want.

I am playing a more dominant role in other areas, and I'm very happy with that, but I need something to balance that or I go nuts, feel guilty and generally get the idea that I'm not wanted.

On the whole, though, you guys are right. I should talk to him about it. I'm just not sure exactly how, and I'm not sure if I can.

Curtis, you had a really good idea. I might try it if I can get over the anxiety that he'll respond negatively. By the way, it's biopsych. That means I can tell you what chemicals are floating around in your brain, but I'm nowhere near as well-versed in the soft science perspective as I should be. And stupid stuff interrupted my life, so I'm not in grad school yet.

And I am horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE with derailing the thread, but I have to say this thing about women being better at interpreting emotions because of connections is a myth, sadly sensationlized by a media that loves to publish pseudoscience if it will up their readership. It is true that women have higher cell density in connective areas of the frontal lobe as a statistical average, but we have not been able to find any affect it would have on behavior - and not for lack of trying. If we do find it gives women some kind of advantage, it will most likely be in judgement, planning or memory. The only way I could see it having to do with emotion is that it could lead to anxiety. On top of all that, brains are adaptive. The brain will create new connections if stimulated appropriately.

Last, but definitely not least, jaeangel, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I think you're very brave.