If I had to choose between jealousy and pride as a basis for my reaction that night I would say pride. To this day I have no interest in having been the person holding the whip. I will freely admit that jealousy could be part of the "Did she fly issue", though I know it feels more like my pride was hurt over that then anything else. My pride/ego took a bigger hit that night, then anything I've experienced before if that is what you're getting at. I am a very proud person, and that felt incredibly terrible.
The statement of offering myself for penance comes from the simple fact I believe in corporeal punishment, even outside the bounds of BDSM. As far as being a switch, I really don't know - I don't think so. The only time I've ever thought of myself as being sub to someone is if I could fulfill a role similar to a samurai w/o any of the sexuality involved.
As far as holding/using the tool. I have almost no interest in activities like that, I've never fantasized about them or given it much thought really. I would/could/am doing it because I love them and care for them and know that is what they want and need - so I fulfill that role. I would be a liar if I said there weren't a couple things I'd like to try, but I don't top to be a
sadist. I love holding her to me when she flies, being there waiting for her, taking care of her afterwards, and knowing the kind of positive releasing experience that has been for her. If it weren't for that, I could leave the flogger behind w/o an regret or thinking I was missing something. I also enjoy watching her grow under me, using the power I have over her to take her from being scatter brained to having a focus and driving effort in life and see the benefits from that.
I was worried about my lack of ability that night, but also I had just watched a scene before hand that left me feeling rather dragged out and I wasn't in the "headspace" as you put it to want to scene.
The bottom at the party, at the time she was my friend, NOW she is my sub/slave. To a certain extent she was subbing to me at the party, but there was no agreed upon dynamic there - she could have done so w/o my permission and I woulnd't have given it a second thought.
I'll post on last couple of things in a bit, I gotta run.

-Sullied