I is for Introducing ( Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM

[Kinkystudent]

I think I would have run a mile if I read some of the things which I read on this site in my early days. There are some of the more extreme elements which I now embrace and some which I don't think I ever will, and have no wish to either. That does not bother me now, but that is with the confidence of knowing that is okay just to pick out what is right for us.

To my mind it must be much easier for a "D" to introduce a "s" to the lifestyle than the other way round - almost by definition. I had been immediately hooked on my D's dominant personality, so I guess he had a head start; but he just introduced tiny things at a time, over months rather than weeks. His real skill was to keep me wanting a bit more each time. It was a good 6 months before he showed me anything resembling this site and asked me to give him my reactions.

cariad

I have to agree. When I first hinted at the topic of BDSM all I could get out of him is "it's wierd, why would anyone want to be tied up?" I'm also young and just starting to discover everything. So we started off slow. In the real world I am a dominant person, but as many of you know that doesn't necessarily follow into the BDSM. Indeed, I'm a submissive. We started off with very simple things, I would get him to tip my chin, to hold my arms behind my back. That sort of thing, I didn't really let on my true feelings until I had gotten him used to it. I can't stand stories that jump from just having decided to be a sub to extreme stuff. It's daft, it just doesn't happen like that. My partner prefers vanilla stuff, and it's been tricky getting him to a point where he satisfies me. But I did get there, and there are some things he quite enjoys. Whether or not it works I think depends on how willing the other person is to act. At first it was very difficult and embarrassing for him to dominate me. But thankfully it's passed, it took a year, but it's worth it.

I think that perhaps getting a reluctant sub might work with the website, but I am not so sure if it would have worked in this situation. For me, Slow and Steady won the race.

[isbn1115]

My experience was that it started as a role play. My partner made a wild statement about something sexual she had done without me knowing, and she let me know she wanted to be punished. I went gingerly, trying not to do too much. The great part was that after it was over we sat and talked about what we liked or didn't and what we needed or didn't. I guess the advice is baby steps, like everyone else. Also, I would say suggesting a role play is easier than suggesting bondage or spanking, and, as long as you move slowly, these things can be incorporated. Hope it helps.

isbn1115

[elliemay]

Talk, ask, read, talk, talk, talk Ok you get the picture.

Honesty is key to it in my opinion, slow and simple starts which require patience, my experience is as a sub introducing a male Dom who was vanilla mostly.

Try something that works as vanilla and spice it up, then talk, then talk after a few days to make sure that nothing has come up.

Oh and before all of this my experience has shown that communication and completel honesty is vital in D/s and BDSM so I would suggest starting with what does turn you on both BDSM and Vanilla, talk about fantasys and see if you can start with what you know. Incorperate one small aspect into something that is 'comfortable' already.

Reassure and praise, overly so maybe to show that you appreciate what the person is doing. Never forget that you came in caring about each other and don't let it take over your life or put pressure on, if there is pressure then take a step back and play as you would before.

Make it clear from the start that mistakes will happen and if something goes wrong you are not going to scream the house down, blame them for hurt or anything like that. One of the worrys that I have come across is the not knowing what to do, or what if I hurt you. Have a safe word, put safeguards in place and enjoy.

I would reccomend Screw the Roses send me the Thorns - it's a great introduction and is done with humour and respect as well as passion and understanding written from both male and female perspective (by a couple) and also Dom and sub perspectives.

hope that helps.

Added: As an afterthought. If your partner runs for the hills, don't be devastated, it's probably not that they think you are bizzarre or have grown a second head. They may well have a different idea about what you are asking, they may not know what exacly you are asking for so try to let the dust settle and try again, explain if you are feeling hurt and try to explain making sure that they undersatnd what you are asking.

This is good practice for the honesty needed as things progress.

[pie_loves_pain]

Talk, ask, read, talk, talk, talk Ok you get the picture.

Honesty is key to it in my opinion, slow and simple starts which require patience, my experience is as a sub introducing a male Dom who was vanilla mostly.

Make it clear from the start that mistakes will happen and if something goes wrong you are not going to scream the house down, blame them for hurt or anything like that. One of the worrys that I have come across is the not knowing what to do, or what if I hurt you. Have a safe word, put safeguards in place and enjoy.

I can definitely agree with this quote. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, D/s OR vanilla.

I have personally "guided" two Dom's since I've started in the lifestyle. Let me clear that up a bit, though...

I wasn't topping from the bottom. I was merely saying "Read this. Check this out. Still interested? Good! Try this site, and this book..." You get the idea, right? Then when it came time to practice, I made the mistake of, the first time, not giving Him input as to what I wanted out of the relationship. Obviously, He knew I wanted the Dominance from Him, but beyond that, I didn't elaborate. That relationship failed miserably. I learned from my mistakes and tried again.

This time was with a man who had very dominate traits already. He had never heard of the lifestyle, but the moment I mentioned it to Him, He was drilling me with questions left and right. And the good little sub that I am <EG> answered all of His questions to the best of my ability, and what I couldn't answer I looked up. But this time, when it came down to it, I gave Him input. I told Him what kind of structure I was looking for, and He told me what kind of control He wanted. He pushed my limits and I loved and admired Him all the more for it, because of the willingness He created in me. And everything seemed to come so easily for Him. He didn't seem to ahve to try to fight all the years of His upbringing that had ingrained that everything HE was about to do was abuse. Everything went great, until His ex came calling again... But that's another story.

But now, I am stuck...

I have once again gotten involved with a vanilla man. But he is a bit harder to "convert to the dark side" as I call it. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this man, vanilla or not. We've discussed the topic many many times, and each time I'm hoping that I've gotten somewhere... He does understand that this is something that is very important to me. He knows I like the pain, but I can live without it as long as I can submit. Recently, he's been more -commanding- but I'm not sure if He's doing it on purpose or if it could be maybe a subconscious reaction to my more submissiveness?

Can that happen? Without having any want (from what i've been told) to completely control and own a woman, could a man's subconscious or even instinct tell him to take control when she is giving so much up? With out his first realizing it?

Nothing else has worked with him... Maybe I'm just not explaining things the way that the others understood, or maybe he just doesn't want any part of the lifestyle (it makes him almost ill to see me in pain, whether he knows I enjoy it or not... he will NOT flog/whip/paddle/anythingelse) or maybe he's just not ready to assume the dominant role in his head? If so... gah, I'm confused... I could use some advice from both sides of the fence here, please!!