Second Assignment, Ana's Secret

[Mad Lews]

Nice story Beswithchin,
I'll have to agree with most that you did an excellent job. You've acquainted us with two very believable, three dimensional personalities had them interact in a natural way and orchestrated a future adventure with the third character you introduced.

More impressively you did it in 2,000 words or less. Great job!

Now to quibble. I think you need to remember guys are easily confused when most of their blood supply is, well, far from their brain. While it may seem obvious to you that Tory or Tori are short for Victoria, Lews was counting on his fingers and hoping for at least a threesome. (yeah he got his wish but that came later and some other guy got involved.) To help out those slow on the uptake you could use her Christian name early on followed by her nickname in the next sentence. If done well it would seem like the natural flow of story telling and it's simple enough that even Lews would know you were talking about the same person.

Other than that we have seven misspellings and two awkward sentence (no split infinitives or dangling modifiers thank god) Hope would be sore (51?) but you don't have to worry about that until you get past Ruby.

Again A great read and well paced.

Mad Lews

[Beswitchingly Positive]

Nice story Beswithchin,
I'll have to agree with most that you did an excellent job. You've acquainted us with two very believable, three dimensional personalities had them interact in a natural way and orchestrated a future adventure with the third character you introduced.

More impressively you did it in 2,000 words or less. Great job!

Now to quibble. I think you need to remember guys are easily confused when most of their blood supply is, well, far from their brain. While it may seem obvious to you that Tory or Tori are short for Victoria, Lews was counting on his fingers and hoping for at least a threesome. (yeah he got his wish but that came later and some other guy got involved.) To help out those slow on the uptake you could use her Christian name early on followed by her nickname in the next sentence. If done well it would seem like the natural flow of story telling and it's simple enough that even Lews would know you were talking about the same person.

Other than that we have seven misspellings and two awkward sentence (no split infinitives or dangling modifiers thank god) Hope would be sore (51?) but you don't have to worry about that until you get past Ruby.

Again A great read and well paced.

Mad Lews

My, what a nice bunch of things to say. I thought i established the Victoria/Tori thing just the way you said to in the beginning. Oh, maybe you werent interested in her yet. She needs a good first line, it needs a hook. I will try to wake that character up and get her to say something exciting. My most believeable characters are quite real to me. Victoria is one of the naughtiest.

Wait till you get a load of Chloe.

Sorry about your blood flow, did not mean to confuse.

I am not sure I understand your math Mad, however I do love the dictionary and will endevour to eliminate any future misspellings. As far as my awkwardness...I will try to overcome this natural tendency. Unless you refuse me the right to proofread and edit. Then I am screwed.

That is, provided I get past Ruby. Provided I get past Aussiegirl.

Thanks Mad, Lews. Hmmm, at least you did like the threesome idea.