Hi Robine: welcome! That guy with the house in the country sounds like a great way of exploring s/m, even if you didn't have a regular D/s relation. Most people whoare into this have had to fight shame and a "there's something wrong with me" feeling at one time - many years for some. I used to be very unwilling to recognize and explore this as well - but it's good youve grown to accept yourself, and you'll find lots of friends here.