Two Road Whores, Rode Hard

[Clevernick]

I like this story, yes I just read it all, and you do need some feedback.

You will need an editor. Not just for the occasional grammar slip, but because you're including some of your agonizing how the story should go, in the story itself.

Here's a thought - Once you're really sure on the rules that Susan and Tucker set, the reasons she went on the trip, her relationship with Jim, and her reasons for allowing her daughter to come with her, possibly getting impregnated underage or worse, you have reached the BEGINNING of the story. I would start the whole thing at the beginning of chapter six, and cover the first 5 chapters in small flashbacks as they become appropriate.

Your dialogue with Amanda works pretty well, actually. Dialogue is hard, and you're doing it well I think. Amanda's character comes through, and she's likeable. But check it over a bit, there are some slips that don't quite make sense.

And of course, as ElectricBadger says, it's "ridden hard" to be correct, but "Rode" as the past participle is ok in some American rural dialects, and who knows where Tucker's from? Leave it as his title, and it's cool and punny.

P.S. Take all of this as one guy's opinion, and that of another beginning writer at that! Ask the experts.