The manual , second asignment by Satan_Klaus

[anonymouse]

Hello Satan Klaus,

I'd forgotten English wasn't your native tongue until you mentioned it at the end of your story. I agree with the others who have said you did a wonderful job and I have no specific criticisms or corrections that haven't already been mentioned. However, I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the following paragraph -- not as a criticism of what you've written, but for the purposes of discussing narrative writing in general.

The man sitting at the interogation table was in his mid forties or probably early fifties. He looked like your avarage business man: suit, tie, expensive leather shoes and a slowly receding line of salt-and-pepper hair. The obligatory suitcase rested on Arnold's desk.

I get some sense of the man in the scene, but it's still quite vague. You mention later that he speaks in a mannered 'Oxford voice', and that helped to clarify his image. However, the reference to his voice could have more impact if the visuals were more well defined to begin with. How to do this?

I'd make a list of things about this 'Oxford man' and his appearance:

Of indeterminate age, somewhere between mid-forties and early fifties.

Wears a dark, double-breasted suit over a crisply starched white shirt.

The shirt has cuff links.

What color tie? The character of a man can be expressed by his choice of tie. Red speaks of boldness; blue of quiet confidence and so on. An Oxford man might well wear a dark navy colored tie emblazoned with a small golden crest of some sort. "Old school tie", so to speak. Is there a matching kerchief in the breast pocket of his suit?

It's unlikely his shoes could be seen from the adjoining room if he's sitting at a table. His hands, however, would probably be resting on the table. I imagine him to be impeccably groomed and thus would have neatly manicured nails. Does he wear any rings? Perhaps an ornate gold band set with an onyx stone on his little finger. Does he wear any other jewelry such as a watch? If he does, is it an expensive looking gold watch or more a classic style with a leather band?

Are his hands lightly clasped in front of him on the table? This would suggest he's confident in himself. Or maybe he's absently toying with the ring on his finger?

What sort of face does he have? Are his features well defined, or is his face rounder and softer? Is his skin tanned or fair? Does he have any distinguishing blemishes?

You've mentioned a slight receding hair line and its salt and pepper coloring and broadly described him as a businessman. By this I would assume his hair is cut short though you could accentuate his 'Oxford-ness' by describing his hair as slightly longer than most men his age -- such as academics often wear their hair longer.

Obviously there are a lot of ideas to consider above, and I wouldn't use all of them at once. If I was to rewrite the paragraph I might begin:

The man sat straight-backed in his chair. He appeared to be relaxed with his hands resting one atop the other in front him on the polished steel table. The impeccable way in which he dressed seemed incongruous within the confines of the interrogation room and its graffiti covered walls. (Detective whateverhisnameis) leaned close to the glass of the observation window and quietly studied the man in the adjoining room.

You could at this point make reference to his suit or his physical features, but probably not both in the one paragraph. I've avoided mentioning his age also, though this could be addressed in the context of his physical features. What I wouldn't do is make any specific guess but rather, describe it as being either 'indeterminate' or relative in some way to the age of another character in the scene.

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. Hope they help

anonymouse

[tessa]

Um, I volunteer to go in to "interrogate" Mr. Dreyben.

I enjoyed your story, Satan Klause. The mysteriousness of Dreyben added to said enjoyment.

Thank goodness for forced labor.

tessa

[Satan_Klaus]

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I'm reworking the story as we speak.

H_Dean criticized my use of narrative perspective and I'm unsure what to do. What I tried to use was a form of third person narrator. I think its called 'limited third person' in English. A third person Narrator who actually is the main character or is looking over his shoulders. He sees what the protagonist sees and so forth. And his comments are not objective but rather the thoughts, feelings or sometimes subconscious doubts of the protagonist. I'm not sure if this is acceptable and if it is how to do it better.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Tessa, if you go in there you might find out what forced labor is all about.

[Satan_Klaus]

By the way: Are there more people speaking English as a second language? I suppose we might suffer from the same problems.

So please speak up!

Satan_Klaus

[Mad Lews]

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I'm reworking the story as we speak.

H_Dean criticized my use of narrative perspective and I'm unsure what to do. What I tried to use was a form of third person narrator. I think its called 'limited third person' in English. A third person Narrator who actually is the main character or is looking over his shoulders. He sees what the protagonist sees and so forth. And his comments are not objective but rather the thoughts, feelings or sometimes subconscious doubts of the protagonist. I'm not sure if this is acceptable and if it is how to do it better.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Tessa, if you go in there you might find out what forced labor is all about.

SK,
Not to put words in Mr. Dean's mouth but I think his main complaint was about a consistency of perspective. While it's perfectly legal to change perspective in a story it's often very confusing to the reader.

Most of his problems seemed to be with a consistent voice that fits the character. The best way to develop a feel for that is to listen carefully to real people in your everyday life.

You should also be aware that few people follow the rules of grammar when they speak. If you put it inside quotes you can get away with a number of grammatical sins Just be sure they fit the character that's speaking. For instance your pompous (bemused?) Brit would enunciate clearly, chose his words carefully and probably have a dry wit. He’d most likely be enthralled with his own clever plays on words that were meant to go over the head of his interrogator. That kind of smug jibe could be exactly the kind of thing that would cause the policeman to snap.

The police would be more likely to use contractions colloquialisms and slang. You have to be careful not to overdo that but a sprinkling will add some depth and believability to your characters.

I'd have given it an 8 and encouraged you to post more.

Mad Lews

[Satan_Klaus]

Yes the style of speech could be improved. I really wanted to do this, contrast the englishman with the rough detective. However this is very difficult for me to do and I may be in over my head. Writing proper English is hard enough already, the nuances are killing me. I will work on this for the next version of the story.

H-Dean said that the perspective was "third person omniscent" while I tried to do "thrid person limited" (hope this is the right expression). Before dealing with the finer points, I have to be certain of the narrative style.

Satan_Klaus

[Mad Lews]

Yes the style of speech could be improved. I really wanted to do this, contrast the englishman with the rough detective. However this is very difficult for me to do and I may be in over my head. Writing proper English is hard enough already, the nuances are killing me. I will work on this for the next version of the story.

H-Dean said that the perspective was "third person omniscent" while I tried to do "thrid person limited" (hope this is the right expression). Before dealing with the finer points, I have to be certain of the narrative style.

Satan_Klaus

3rd person omniscient is probably the easiest way to tell a story. The narrator is god, knows everyone’s thoughts and feelings, and is free to relate them to the reader.

3rd person limited is a little tougher as you limit the perspective of the narrator and he/she can only surmise thoughts and feelings of others from their words and actions.

But you already knew that.

Mad