Need

[Clevernick]

Wow -- that totally worked for me! Brought me into a space I didn't know existed.

Since you want criticism too, I wonder if some of the longer lines could be shortened without losing their impact. If I were a teacher and I knew anything about poetry, I'd challenge you to write that same poem in, say, 60 words. If that's impossible, see how few you can manage.

But don't eliminate the repetition. Repetition is good. Eliminate instead the parts the reader would have filled in mentally anyway.


From another newbie writer. (Who includes a belt in his story BTW)