Hello Clevernick,

I just started reading your story and immediately realized that you are up to something great. So immediately, while reading, I made a list of things that bugged me so you could improve on them. Even though that might seem nitpicky or patronizing, I only do this for stories I REALLY enjoy because it somewhat dampens the reading experience. So please don't be annoyed and at least pretend to feel honored.

First:Sometimes I get the feeling that you are compulsively trying to keep the story "safe sane and consensual". Like replacing 'Jesus' with a plug.
Well blackmail and solar-plexus punching are not SSC-certified. It is good if your 'hero' has some code of personal ethics he abides by. It keeps the story from slipping into blood, gore and murder and also makes him so much more likable, but I feel a little of 'double standards' and hypocrisy in his reasoning. Not hurting a woman is obviously not part of his ethics but other things might be. You must find a standard of honor that is not too limiting for your story but not too broad to violate your own good taste and then stick to it.


The second thing that bugged me was Lynn having an ugly face. I'm somewhat ambivalent about this. It's something of an turnoff but on the other hand real people are not porn stars.

The third thing that I thought about is this: 'S' seems so well prepared, regarding not only his equipment but also mentally that he must have planned this in advance. Normal people don't just pull off something like this without blinking with an eye. They need serious planning to bolster their resolve.

Fourth: The first chapter is in the present while in the second part you switch to past tense. I think this is illegally switching narrative time (beginning in the past and moving on into the present would be ok)

Fifth: "I guess she’d had only nice experiences with bondage so far." from the lower half of chapter two. She is a devout conservative christian, I would think that her only experience in bodage so far would be with 'S'.
(and not that nice...)


Quote Originally Posted by Clevernick View Post
Contempt and irritation, but also some attraction.
A wiser man than me once said that love and hate are both attracting emotions. We are invariably fascinated by what we hate and so it is quite understandably that once he has silenced her, practically eliminating the initial reason why he hates, the fascination remains.


If you like, I will continue commenting on your story while i read further chapters.

Satan_Klaus