Some of the basics are there. In addition to the POV problems noted by the guys, i must say that there are a number of places where you tell us what the characters are saying, rather than letting the characters say it in dialogue.

If writing in first person is you preferred style, that is fine. It does, however, require the strictest of discipline with yourself. Every line must be measured against the question, "Does my narrator have a legitimate way of knowing this?"

When you put something in that the narrator really should not know, it takes the reader out of the story and into "huh?" mode. One or two such instances and most readers will move on to the next offering.

You have a good place to start. If i may reccomend two books.

Strunk and White's Elements of Style and Stephen King's On Writing.

You could even join writer's block if you like.